The Game Of Life

The Game of Life™ is currently being played by 6,963,290,25...284...fuck it, it's a lot, all right?

You're either Bertram or Stewie.

Pictured: Inane Happiness

Chef: the avatar of wisdom and Barry White singing

Just The Facts

  1. Oldest game in the universe
  2. Diverse environments, great graphics, total immersion with realistic feeling!
  3. Once you log out, you can't log back in (unless you find the reincarnation hack code). Sorry!

So You Want To Sign Up?

So you've been swimming around in the testicles/ovaries or floating in the vague area between life and creation and you see this awesome game that you want to play. You go up to the counter/click on the link--because, of course, you can find a convenience store or internet access anywhere--and purchase the game. How do you become a part of this wonderful mmporg? Well, it's not all up to you. In fact, it's sort of random.

First, two avatars already in the game need to meet together and undergo courtship, which ultimately leads to the melding of the two avatars to create you! This courtship can last for years with gifts of flowers and candy or can be done within a night filled with shots of hard alcohol, possibly a couple of roofies and a broken condom. During this point, you can play a mini-game called "Get to the Egg First". It's you against 50-500 million other players.

Let's assume you win, because if you lose, you get to flounder around in the vaginal canal until you die an acidic death.

Now that you've destroyed the enemies and hijacked the egg ship, you are now playing the game!

Choosing Your Avatar's Features

You don't.

Nine Months

Congratulations! You have now logged onto The Game of Life™ and the first glimpse you get of this miraculously realistic game is...the pink uterine walls of the female avatar that went into making you. Of course, you'll be seeing darkness for a couple of months while your avatar's eyes grow.

This level is called "Gestation". There isn't much to do. Your avatar grows and forms, and since you can't create your own features, or even do anything really--unless you kick the female avatar from inside--I would suggest you go out and have a coffee. Find a good book to read. I suggest Stephen King's "The Last Stand".

Birth...and Four Pitchforks for the New "Hell" Game

Your nine months in the Gestation level has ended. You have gained enough mass and stored enough nutrients to reach the Birth level. Your first challenge is to squeeze your way through a canal that is perhaps two times smaller than your head. Don't worry if you lose at the challenge. Most likely, a rescuer will come in the form of a scalpel to save you. Unless you happen to be somewhere that is devoid of technological advances. Then you have logged off. You do not get a chance to play again*

*See reincarnation hack code

But if you happen to win the challenge, or are rescued, you are now beginning a new stage of gameplay. You will be assaulted with sights, sounds, feelings and hungers that will make you insane. Your avatar will cry at the most inopportune times, you will not be able to keep food down and you will be locked into a crib/stroller/playpen/cardboard box where you will be subject to pokings, proddings and general inane "baby talk" from older avatars. You will be deemed as cute; you will wonder whether you've accidentally bought the "Hell" MMPORG that you saw all those black-metal kids buying.

Have fun sitting in your own feces for a couple of years!

What Now?

I know, I know. What's the point of continuing to play this game? Well, while most of you are probably contemplating suicide, you really don't have a choice. You're avatar is too busy being inanely happy in a simplistic way.

Let's fastforward. By level five of your life, you get to go to a new world called "Kindergarten". The Kindergarten level is filled with fingerpainting, playgrounds, and the beginning of a vicious system of seperation. The intelligent kids, average Joes and below-average Toms are seperated into future lawyers, office drones and McDonald cashiers.

By level eight you are gaining points in intelligence and social skills which will come in handy for the levels to come.

Puberty and C.O.L.L.E.G.E ( Circuitry Overdrive Life Level and Experiences of Godforsaken Electives)

Welcome to Puberty. Here, the gameplay gets interesting. If you are a male, you get to experience the wonders of wetdreams, embarrassing boners, and feelings of inadequacy compared to other male avatars of your age.

You do see that most of your problems come from your dick. It's getting back at you for all those times you played with your sister's Barbies.

As a female avatar, you get to experience the wonders of bleeding, cramping, tenderness, and social pressure to be beautiful. But on the upside, you get to also experience the feelings of inadequacy compared to other females of your age and older, as well as the catty backstabbing that females call friendship!

(Don't forget the clumsy advances of those hormonally driven male avatars).

This is a level to primarily gain experience, to ready you for the big leagues, what the game has been working up to all this livelong time. College*.

*Gameplay usually stagnates if you don't make it to college, unless, of course, you learn the "son-of-a-bitch that motherfucker is lucky" hack code. Then just sit back with your crazy entreprenuerial ideas of raising crabpeople to farm the seaground for nutritious seaweed and watch the dough roll in. Also, have fun dying of laughter as the average Joe and some of your less lucky college-bound peers toil the rest of their life in obscurity.

As the esteemed Chef once said, "There is a time and place for everything, and it's called college." Here is where your avatar gets to jump into the thick of the gameplay, as well as earn you major buku points. Here are some mini-games you can play in to gain points.

Knock up a chick? -10. Knock up the university slut and not get caught? + 50!

Transform from gawky bookworm to class stud/slut? +100! Transform and get knocked up/get someone else knocked up and get caught? -200.

Make a couple of friends? +20. Make a couple of friends that end up selling you into third-world slavery? -50.

Get out of third-world slavery, hunt down those supposed friends and kill them one by one? +100. Don't get caught? +1000!!!

Graduate with an A+ average? +10

After College You Log Off a Little Each Day

As already stated, college is the biggest level of The Game of Life™. What mini-games you play and what points you earn during this level will dictate how you go on for the rest of your life. Those who knock up/were knocked up usually end up relegated to a life of never-ending toil, bitterness and faulty relationships. Many graduates try to retain the glory by going to the less-exciting level of Graduate School and Doctorate School. While going to these levels will allow you to gain more in-game money, you won't find the excitement and pleasure of the first College level. Most avatars settle into a lifestyle in which they work 9-5, come home, eat, and go to sleep*.

*Interesting to note, the average college graduates and the average-Joes have parallel lifestyles, except the college graduates win more in-game money.

You might decide to take up with another avatar and create a new avatar of your own. You might decide to buy fourteen cats.

It doesn't matter, because after College, you will find yourself seemingly going back in time, towards those first couple of levels where everything swirled and left you lost, confused and regretful.

Hope you enjoy the game!