Weight Loss

Weight loss is the process of consciously making and executing a plan to decrease total body mass to improve fitness, health, and/or appearance. In Practice, both guys and girls do it in a feeble attempt to impress attractive women.

Every diet book ever.

Just The Facts

  1. About 2/3 of Americans are overweight. 1/3 are obese. 4/5 are John Goodman.
  2. Weight loss is a $50 billion industry. You can get a good jump rope for $5.
  3. Richard Simmons is actually a real person, and not an early 90's Mike Myers SNL character. He is somehow both a chubby fitness guru AND the world's gayest closeted man.
  4. Yo mama's so fat, when the cops see her on a street corner they yell, "Hey you guys, break it up!"

The Skinny (title by annoying middle aged friend of your mother that thinks she's witty)

Unlike our ancestors, to whom a hefty figure was a sign of wealth and strength, nowadays the only people who will mate with someone with stretch marks on their chins are other people with stretch marks on their chins. Darwin described it as "disgusting as dick" and probably assumed nature would take its course and weed the cavernous belly button having mofo's out by now. But with the advent of modern medicine, drunken one-nighters, and the conquering of most feline predators, the fattest of our species has managed to survive and reproduce. In the last century, the public obsession with weight loss has grown exponentially.
Calories are the amount of energy that is in every bit of food, drink and delicious, youth-preserving, gallon of hooker blood you consume. It is either used or stored as fat. The only non-amputation (aka sissy) way to lose weight is to burn more calories than you consume. Because losing weight this way requires discipline, patience, and doesn't give the dieter the smug satisfaction of knowing the magical super-secret for weight-loss, most people end up giving up within weeks. Just like going to work sober and without your cape.

Not stupid once you realize it can be used as the wall of a super-cool office fort

Not stupid once you realize it can be used as the wall of a super-cool office fort

Metabolism is the way your body naturally burns calories everyday on its own just through basic life functions such as keeping your heart beating, digesting food, and wagging your prodigious tail. Normal metabolism burns between 1500 and 2000 calories a day. Additional calories are burned through exercise, strenuous work, and feverish, sweaty, best-friends-sister-banging. By making changes in diet and activity level, you can burn more calories than you consume and lose weight (3500 calories equals one pound). However, much like the tucked penis of the first girl to offer you a handy, there's a catch. You're body won't let you lose too much weight too quickly. If you cut too many calories out of your diet (more than about a pound a week) by skipping meals and eating irregularly, your retarded body assumes that a period of famine is coming, and it begins to slow your metabolism and start hoarding calories as fat. Basically, your body is like your stepdad immediately suspecting you of cheating when you finally made an A+, except your body didn't clandestinely poison your dad so that he could be with your mom. Fuck you, Roger. I'm onto you.

God designed a complex system specifically to keep you from being able to lose weight easily. Maybe that����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¢����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������½s why he hasn����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¢����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½������¯����¯�¿�½������¿����¯�¿�½������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½������¯������¿������½����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������½t had time to cure baby AIDS.

God designed a complex system specifically to keep you from being able to lose weight easily. Maybe that's why he hasn't had time to cure baby AIDS.