Beauty Pageants

Men enjoy having power over beautiful women. Women enjoy being told they are pretty and having people make a big fuss over them. Is it any surprise that we have beauty pageants?

Making a Champion

Just The Facts

  1. Evening gown.
  2. Swimsuit.
  3. Interview.
  4. Talent. Maybe.

Miss America / Miss USA

The one beauty pageant with which we are all most familiar is Miss America. It is often confused with the Miss USA pageant that is currently owned and dictated by the whims of one Donald Trump.

He totally hit that.

What's the real difference between the two pageants? Let's hear it from the words of the Miss America website:

"In 1952, Catalina Swimsuits founded the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants as product promotion tools. Developed by the Miss America Organization, the Miss America program exists to provide personal and professional opportunities for young women to promote their voices in culture, politics and the community."

Mee-ow! I guess that means Miss USA is just a TV spectacle to sell swimsuits and diet pills while the Miss America pageant is a noble and empowering program for young women across the world. Unless they're ugly young women, of course.

Just look at all those community voices...

Contestants in Miss America/USA must win the state title first, which is harder in some places than others. States like California and Texas, for example, have high populations and therefore stiffer competition. Other states have very few beautiful women in them and will pretty much send anyone who can walk in heels without falling down.

Seriously? That's the best-looking woman in Missouri?

Both Miss America and Miss USA start with 51 women and whittle them down through categories like the Evening Gown, the Swimsuit Competition, and the Personal Interview.

Miss Indiana FAILS at Evening Gown

Miss America has a talent competition. Miss USA does not.

Oddly enough, every single talent involves a pretty dress.

The interview section is where the judges ask the girls about important topics in politics. It gives them a chance to show that they are more than just pretty faces. Observe:

Contestants must also abide by a "moral code" which involves no pornography, no Sieg Heils, and no hard drugs. In the old days, Miss America contestants were required to be virgins. Of course, it's impossible to tell that for sure, and in these modern times it's also nearly impossible to find virgins over the age of 18. The only girls who haven't lost it by that point are either really ugly, or really religious.

Miss Vatican City, 2009

Miss Teen USA

The Miss USA pageant allows women to enter who are as old as 27. Yuck! Who wants to stare at their botox-riddled faces and vericose veins when the nation is full of nubile young princesses with tighter pussies and even lower self-esteem?

That's where the Miss Teen USA pageant comes in, with 51 "delegates" between the ages of 15 and 19. Every high school boy has had a fantasy about judging this competition and the winner gets his penis. The losers also get his penis, but less often.

A diamond crown AND sex with you? Jackpot!

In the real world, winners of both the Teen and grown-up pageants win about 5 figures worth of college scholarship, which equals anywhere from 1/2 to 1/8 of the amount of money they spent making themselves beautiful.

Women who compete in these pageants usually put their money towards a solid Communications degree and go on to become news anchors. Seriously. It's the most common post-pageant career for national and state winners, second only to marrying rich.

Child Beauty Pageants

Child abuse. Plain and simple.

Putting your child into beauty pageants before she even likes boys means putting your child on the fast-track to a semen-covered death in the men's room of a highway rest stop.

Just let her play the damn Game Boy...

The kinds of parents who push their daughters into this sort of thing are usually ex-pageant Moms who want to see their old dream fulfilled and/or Dads who are too dumb to know better. The kind of people who watch these things - or worse, judge them - are usually the kind of people who thought Hermione Granger was hottest in the first Harry Potter movie.

Those feelings won't be appropriate for at least 5 more movies.

Although the parents say that the girls are having fun and wanted to do it without being coerced, many other people would say that child pageants feed the fantasies of pedophiles and start girls down the road to bimbo-ism too early for the damage to ever be un-done.

Future strippers.

Miss Universe

Miss Universe, another part of the Trump family of beauty pageants, is where Miss USA goes to compete against beautiful women from other countries. The Miss America pageant has no international competition associated with it, except occasionally when Miss Mexico hops the border.

Let her in. She can take Missouri's place.

The United States has won Miss Universe more times than any other nation, with 7 total wins. Many foreign nations think the judging might be biased (no, really?) because the pageant is owned and operated by Americans.

Still, in the old Miss America vs. Miss USA rivalry, you have to give Miss USA some credit for even having a worldwide competition. Miss America prefers to follow the example of baseball and its "World Series".

They are both afraid of the Dominicans.

In addition to the usual Evening Gown, Swimsuit, and Interview sections, Miss Universe also includes an event called National Costume, in which women wear beautiful clothes representing their nation's cultural heritage. It's like the Model UN, only with real models.

Of course not every woman in Thailand or Peru walks around looking like that. The costumes are very glamorous and only a few contestants keep their look as legitimate and factual as possible.

Just for you, Bucholz.

Miss Universe 2009 was recently crowned and it was Stefania Fernandez of Venezuela that walked away with the win. Venezuela is just behind the United States, with 6 all-time wins. Venezuela also won in 2008, making it the only time in history the same nation has won two years in a row.

Here is Miss Fernandez after receiving her crown:

And here she is the way you'd really like to see her:

Or at least pretty close.

The winner of the Miss Universe pageant receives a boatload of cash, a new wardrobe, a trip to the Bahamas for two, and the use of a New York City penthouse for the year of her reign. Not bad for being the most beautiful woman on earth.

Is it just us, or does she look like a Latina Natalie Portman?