Sex Toys

Sex toys are devices used to help elderly spinsters and men who drive trucks feel loved.

Spooge into this and be amazed.

Just The Facts

  1. The sex toy industry is worth about $15 billion worldwide. To put this in perspective, that's like 15 billion dollar bills.
  2. Dildos have existed since the Upper Paleolithic Era, meaning cavemen couldn't get dates either.
  3. No official numbers exist, but some anecdotal evidence suggests that 60% or more of all sex toys are absolutely terrifying in nature and/or are used in ways that cannot live up to the fun definition of toy you might expect. See below.

Cracked on Sex Toys

Sex toys are toys used for sex, hence the clever name. The industry exists almost exclusively on the internet and in buildings you don't want to enter without having a wetnap handy. The last known source for sex toys is something called a Fantasia Party, wherein menfolk are banished for the night and a group of women get together to drink Zinfandel, eat tortillas and organic salsa, and have a Tupperware-style party wherein some Mary Kay throwback demonstrates a variety of dildos to the assorted ladies. It is harrowing indeed.

It's unlikely that the modern sex toy industry had anything to do with a tire salesman accidentally tripping whilst naked into a vat of molten rubber and prying himself free from the quagmire brandishing a mighty rubber dong in that a-ha moment of inspiration from which a world wide deluge of rubber dongs was wrought, but you never know.

What is known is that sex toys, for men and women, come in nearly every conceivable form imaginable. Popular shapes include wieners, wangs, dicks, penii and fists. Also available are rubber ducks that vibrate your bad places and a variety of leather fetish gear most often enjoyed by repressed, middle-aged Catholics.

Varieties of Sex Toys

Dildos - Dildos are rubber penises. They come in a variety of colors and sizes ranging from tiny and discrete to blood curdlingly huge and ungainly. Some dildos appear to be stand-ins for fake legs.

I'd like to buy the world a Coke.

Vibrators - Vibrators are the industrial revolution cousin of the dildo. Often found in wang shapes, vibrators also come in a range of unassuming or totally preposterous shapes. Many mainstream stores sell "personal massagers" that look like baseball bats that we assume people also use on their naughty bits. The Hello Kitty vibrator is one of the world's most renowned and wrong vibrators and also proves Sanrio will license their images to anything.



Butt Plugs - Butt plugs belong in a butt. This may seem counter intuitive to a number of people who feel the butt exists to get things out, but the world is a tossed salad of differing viewpoints. Some plugs are basically just glorified dildos while others are monstrosities that were likely used to punish the wicked in bygone eras.

This goes in your behind

Cock rings - For the men who feel the need to put restricting collars on their penises, cock rings have been invented to appease them. They serve both esthetic purposes as they can be quite fashionable and functional as they restrict blood flow and give you superior wangage, until such things as the lack of circulation makes it fall off. It is recommended they be removed before that happens.

Strap Ons - Lesbian porn staple, the strap on is a dildo that comes with a harness so it may be worn. Because variety is the spice of life, harnesses can be affixed around the waist like a regular belt, or on the thigh, or on the face. This implies you intentionally want a rubber penis affixed to your melon for some reason or other.

This is not usual

Pocket Pussies - This was likely invented to appeal to busy men on the go who don't have time for traditional vaginas that are more often than not found on women. Cutting out the middle man, the pocket pussy simply provides vagina without the hassle of things like dignity, pride or shame. Anecdotal evidence suggests the pocket pussy was invented back in 1977 when a drunken farmer in Nebraska made love to a pita full of deli sliced ham.

Penis Extenders - Every sex toy website seems to sell these though few explain the logistics of how or why someone would want them. However, intuition and guesstimation indicates these are like tiny hats for a penis.

Fucking machines - The evolution of the vibrator, fucking machines are mechanical items designed to ensure people know what 1,000+ rpms feels like inside an orifice. Popular fucking machines include the Sybian, the Drilldo and the Fucksaw. Fucksaw was the first choice for the name of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' child.

Not as bizarre as Scientology

Chastity Devices - Throwbacks to a simpler time when abstinence didn't exist and the only way not to have sex was to shield your groin with steel. Indeed, historical records which we won't cite indicate that, before 1930, if your pants weren't made of metal you were probably going to have unexpected sex no less than 12 times per day whether you liked it or not. The Depression put an end to all that, thankfully.

Fetish Gear - Some people enjoy being tied up or wearing full body latex piss suits or dressing like ponies. Another group of people realized this and made products commercially available to accommodate those needs. Do with that what you will.

Piss pants. For real

Beads and Balls - According to MIT scientists, a small but vocal percentage of sex toy enthusiasts feel that having balls up the ass is awesome.

Dolls - Lonely types who want more than a pocket pussy can offer but less than the humanity offered by a real partner may engage in sex with a "love doll" or "creepy, gross plastic thing." Many dolls are modeled after porn stars and feature a variety of useable orifices for self gratification, not unlike internet comedy writers. Over the years love dolls have advanced significantly and now encompass the spectrum from simple inflatable dolls that cost a few bucks to several thousand dollar monuments to depravity that have lifelike skin and can be totally customized by rich, strange men. Strange men like the arguably insane man in this video;

Nipple clamps - These are alligator clips. Some people put chains on them.

Penis pumps - These are suction devices that pretend to make a penis larger but in fact probably result in a number of horrible suction related injuries each and every year.

This picture came from a government website. No, really.

Freakshows - Beyond the realm of easily identified toys are a number of perplexing items that require a description before you're likely to know what to do with them.

what the fuck is this? Who cares, have sex with it