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This guy is a scientist. He is way more awesome than you.

Just The Facts

  1. Science is the way to explain how everything works besides saying "God did it".
  2. It involves watching and waiting and observing and waiting and watching and waiting the watchmen and seeing cool stuff blow up after twelve hours of ENDLESS waiting.

Overview (OF SCIENCE!)

Science is the way things work, it is based off the intrinsic properties of the universe, and it is unjesusly complex to explain.

The best place to start is at the beginning. Rome, 1514. The people of the land live life in a clouded stupor of ignorance and various other synonyms for the word "dumbass". Back then, people believed that Earth was the almighty center of the universe, and that everything else in the heavens revolved around it. Rather depressing thought, isn't it?

These people live at the center of the universe.

But there was hope. In 1514 a young man named Nicholas Copernicus published a theory known today as Heliocentricism, or the theory that Earth revolves around the Sun. A revolutionary and shocking idea in his time, if he had published his theory he most likely would have been burned as a Satan worshiping smart ass. Instead, he waited until after he died to publish it, thus his only punishment was to be condemned to a rememberance of being the Fonzie of science and sticking it to the Catholic Church.

Sit on it, Pope Paul III!

Others soon followed in his mighty footsteps, these paragons of new intellectual thought ushered in a new era of... ah forget it. We're still idiots, but these guys heated things up a bit.

Galileo: Invented a better telescope, discovered Jupiter's four largest moons. Hilariously roasted Ptolemy's ideas on the Universe in his bestseller: Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems.

Brahe: Standardized non-American measurements for scientific use, considered unimportant.

Kepler: Helped Brahe do stuff. What? I'm not a historian. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Newton: Discovered gravity, physics. Is responsible for keeping your ass on the ground right now.

Mendeleev: Invented the modern Periodic Table of Elements, is a filthy filthy communist.

Nowadays, almost everything modern can be attributed to scientific and technological progress. With so many breakthroughs being made scientists have very little time to do anything else, like singlhandledly discredit all your cherished religious beliefs through meticulous observation.

We get it, creationists are idiots.