George Michael

George Michael is a two-time Grammy Award winning musician who has had a successful career as frontman of the duo "Wham!" as well as a solo pop musician. He is single-handedly responsible for some of the gayest photographs ever taken.

No - seriously I'm not gay.

I swear I'm not gay - but the guy I'm fucking might be.

Just The Facts

  1. According to britishhitsongwriters.com, Michael is the fortieth most successful songwriter in UK singles chart history.
  2. He has sold over 100 million records worldwide as of 2008 including ten #1 singles in the US.
  3. He was born from Greek heritage as Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou
  4. When faced with the decision chose homosexuality over Scientology because gays get to wear cooler cloths.

Wham!

In the early 80's George Michael came to fame after he and Andrew Ridgeley some other exceptionally irrelevant guy created a hugely successful albeit short-lived British pop band called Wham! Their monster hit "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" reached #1 in the US and don't pretend you don't know all the words because you do. Despite their success and popularity Wham! was not destined for longevity however and by 1986 they disbanded.

The Wham! legacy has left us with more than just scorched retinas resulting from watching two grown men gyrating in hotpants. Their success saw seven US top ten hits including three reaching the Billboard #1 spot. In addition Wham! made notable contributions to various charities including a 1984 donation of all royalties from thier hit song "Last Christmas" to famine relief in Ethiopia.

Chart toppers and humanitarian efforts aside you will remember Wham! only for this shirt:

Solo Career

After disbanding Wham! Michael developed a successful career as a solo artist. His solo image was based on creating a more serious brand of music intended for more sophisticated audiences. He intended to seem darker and more introspective.

"Ooh I'm soooo dark!"

In reality his new image was about as dark as Lionel Richie.

You are one dark mother fucker George Michael

No longer the flaming homosexual from his Wham! days, Michaels new look now showed a more masculine character. He became famous for wearing sunglasses and sporting a close trimmed beard (see above). His oversized gold cross earing provided the inspiration for gansta raps Bling!.

From this...

To this...

This escape from reality was prominently on display in music videos released to support his solo albums. The first of such was 'Faith'.

'Faith' was George Michael's first solo album, released in October 1987. The album won several awards including the Grammy Award for Album of the Year in 1989. 'Faith' became a massive success commercially and between 1987 and 1988, producing a string of hit singles, including six Top 5 Billboard Hot 100 hits, four of which reached #1.

The music video for "I Want Your Sex" was so controversial that it was initially banned from airing on MTV. The video featured a variety of Victoria Secret models walking around looking slutty. Truely it was a masterpiece. Nearly every teenage boy in the world would tune in to masterbate to writhing half naked models with about 10% preferring to masterbate to a bare chested George Michael.

Lewd Conduct

In April 19997 Michael was arrested for lewd conduct after he was caught 'wanking' in a public bathroom in Beverly Hills. Michael was reportedly seen choking his UK chicken by an undercover policeman who noted the activity behind the door of a bathroom stall.

The officer was one of a so called unit of "pretty police" who are dressed suggestively like homosexual males. Their purpose was to frequent public areas in which homosexual activity is known to occur and the obvious intent was to catch individuals 'in the act' and make some arrests in order to deter the public nature of these lewd acts. The position is thought to be the toughest police position behind only SWAT team member and hostage negotiator.

Cracked.com has obtained a photograph of the arresting officer:

Beverly Hills Cop


After pleading "no contest" to the charge, Michael was fined US$810 and sentenced to 80 hours of community service. He further promised to keep his pecker polishing activities solely confined to the privacy of his own home, or possibly the YMCA.

Coming Out Party

Amidst public reaction to his lewd conduct arrest Michael finally admitted his homosexuality. Throughout a shocked United Kingdon tea was spilled and crumpets dropped.

The rest of the world did nothing because we knew the man was gay 17 years earlier and really didn't care.

Freedom 90! was a bit of a hint.....

Drugs

In 2008 Michael was again arrested in a public bathroom this time for possession of marajuana and crack. When questioned on where he obtained the drugs Michael admitted that he had bought them from a man he met in the subway station. This was not the only time Michael has enjoyed another mans crack.

The lesson here?

Do not go into a public bathroom with this man....

....unless you are looking for drugs or a hummer, then fuck yeah totally go on in.

Today

This year marks George Michael's 25th year in music and by any standard he has enjoyed a long and successful career. His music continues to be enjoyed by millions around the globe.

To commemorate his longevity Michael released his newest album Twenty Five in April of 2009, proving that "Faith"ful fans care not about his sexuality nor his drug problem.

Afterall, Michael is not the first celebrity to enjoy drug taking and dick sucking...

Courtney Love