Vulcans

Vulcans are aliens from Star Trek best known for pointy ears, bowl cuts, and pristinely tweezed eyebrows. Some humans like to disguise themselves as Vulcans, but no worries- there are ways to tell the difference between the real deal and impostors.

Just The Facts

  1. Vulcans are from the Planet Vulcan. They Speak Vulcan.
  2. Don't confuse them with Romulans. That shit's racist.
  3. Most Captains keep a Vulcan mind reader in their crew. Captain Picard didn't need one because he's Professor X.

History

For hundreds of years, Vulcan was a war-torn planet, covered by violent warrior tribes constantly trying to wipe one another out. The battles were bloody and the casualities were high, with everyone trying to prove that they were the Vulcan equivalent of King Leonidas.

This...is...VULCAN!

This...is...VULCAN!


Eventually, Vulcans learned to turn away from their violent, emotional ways, becoming the peaceful, logical creatures found in Star Trek. Pussies.

Throughout the various incarnations of the Star Trek franchise, there have been oodles of different Vulcans. The most famous Vulcan has parents of different races, keeps his emotions in check, acts using logic, sleeps with a foxy black chick, is teamed up with someone who doesn't like to do what he's told, and has a name that ends in a 'K.'



Um...close. It's Spock.


That's more like it.

That's more like it.

Powers

Vulcans possess many skills that make them badass, which proves that it is illogical not to be a badass.

Mind Melds

Vulcans have the ability to enter the mind of another being, which can be helpful in sharing ideas or retrieving information, but can also be very disturbing when the person being melded with is James T. Kirk.


"Why are you making that face, Mr. Spock?"


Nerve Pinch

The nerve pinch, also known as the Vulcan neck pinch, allows Vulcans to knock a person out with just a touch, while simultaneously delivering a firm kick in the nuts to the laws of nature.

In addition to the above, Vulcans have a heightened sense of the world around them, and can use their mental abilities to play mind tricks on others. Basically Vulcans are Jedis without lightsabers.




Every Fanboy's Fantasy



A Vulcan Jedi would be almost as sweet as a Vulcan superhero, wouldn't it? Too bad neither one of those things exist, right? Wrong. Meet Saarek, the Vulcan Green Lantern:

Pure, Unadulterared Awesomeness

Pure, Unadulterared Awesomeness

Traditions

The Vulcan Salute

The famous hand gesture, meaning "Live Long and Prosper," was created by Leonard Nimoy, and was based on a Jewish practice where the same gesture is used as the sacred symbol of God. It is now more commonly associated with Star Trek than with God.




Less socially relevant than Star Trek

Pon Farr

As noted in the chart above, this is a Vulcan ritual where, every 7 years, Vulcans find themselves not only with the desire, but the genetic need to get laid.

Vulcan bras are extra tricky

In fact, if they are not near their mates, Vulcans will have sex with the closest living thing they can. Wait that can't be right... the planet just explodes into an orgy every 7 years? Really? And the women will just screw any guy who happens to be standing next to them? Well I guess it's part of their culture and-fuck it. This article's over. We've got a starship to catch.