Greece

Greece is a small country in Europe that invented everything. Even your computer. Why? Because it's Greece.

OPA!!!

Just The Facts

  1. They speak Greek.
  2. According to Wikipedia, which is never wrong, Greece is generally considered to be the cradle of Western Civilization. Suck it, Italy.
  3. The ancients Greeks loved everything...some things a little too much.

Μια σύντομη ιστορία (A Brief History)

Before we start we must get one thing straight:

Grease

Greece

It's confusing. We know.

Modern Greece owes much to its more pro-orgy ancestor Ancient Greece (whose origin dates as far back as 776 BC: the date of the first recorded Olympic Games). The culture of Ancient Greece inspired the Renaissance and is even one of the cultures that influenced the Islamic Golden Age. It gave the world democracy, philosophy, the Olympic games, mathematics, ar...what? What are you talking about? Pedophilia? Never happened.


But Greece hasn't changed much over the last two-thousand years. A few wars here, sure, but otherwise it's basically the same.

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Ancient Greece

Ancient Greece

Modern Greece

Modern Greece

This topic will be new and shiny in a few days

Ελληνικά ελάχιστο τι

Yes this exists. We wished it didn't.

Greek People

Greeks are similar to Canadians, Italians and dwarves.

Like the Canadians, they tend to act like nice people on the surface but can be absolute dicks to other nationalities just for shits and giggles. The difference is while Canadians bitch about, say, the Americans just for being American, Greeks bitch about everyone trying to be Greek. Like the Macedonians. They also aren't too fond of the Turkish. Or the Cyprians. Or the Albanians. You'll hear more about this later.
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Like the Italians, they love their food and making you food and forcing you to eat food and then making you food again via a torturous but delicious cycle of meals. Little yia-yias (What Greek's call their grandmas; grandpas are called papou) will turn even the most anorexic person morbidly obese through an assembly line of gyros, souvlaki and lamb.
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Its beauty outweights even the greatest of Greek marvels
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Also like Italians, the men tend to have a lot of machismo. Like by the fucking boatload.

The average Greek man

The Average Greek Man

Like dwarves, the average height of a yia-yia is around 3 to 4 feet. However, what they lack in height they make up for in power. Do not be fooled by their baby-like faces and headscarves, they wear the pants in the family and they will make you sure you know this. Even the burliest of Greek men cower in fear of them.

Take for instance this video where one Greek woman goes apeshit on her husband:
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And in this video where two yia-yias fight for power. The much more agile one wins. It's simply survival of the fittest in the dangerous world of matriarchal tryanny order.

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A yia-yia in a rare moment of not beating the shit out of people

Greek Surnames

The Greeks decided that having one of the oldest cultures in the world wasn't enough and wanted to have last names that would confuse the shit out of anyone.

Papa...papa...than...pa...sir are you sure you just didn't make this up off the top of your head?

Clearly this is a test to see if you are worthy of having a Greek name.

ARE YOU WORTHY?!

If you can say it out loud and fast then you can stand before the Greeks with pride.
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Agne
Antonopoulos
Charalambopoulos
Christodoulou
Lykourgos
Michaelides
Ntantamis
Paleiotheodoros
Papadakis
Papageorgiou
Papakonstantinou
Papathanasopoulos
Salpigidis
Sofokleous
Sotiropoulos
Zane

If you tell me that you pronounced them all correctly then you are a liar. A horrible horrible liar. The Greeks made these names intentionally unpronounceable for non-Greeks. Leave and hide your face in shame.

Homosexuality

A homosexual

A Greek homosexual

A particularly well-known fact is that aside from those of the same sex the ancient Greeks were willing to screw anything. Even their gods got in on the action. A not-so-well-known fact is that relationships between homosexual men were based around social statuses and roles such as having a dominant partner who was engaged in more masculine concepts and a submissive partner who was engaged in more feminine concepts. So basically it was like heterosexual relationships but with penises. Lots and lots of penises.

Two penises too many

Incidentally, two people of masculine concepts could not be compatible with each other as Greek men, with all respect, did not like it when someone else was manlier than they were. To fix this problem, numerous homosexual relationships were based around age too, with the masculine partner being older and the feminine partner being younger. How young?

Unlike relationships between men, not much is known about female homosexual relationships (oh why couldn't have it been the other way around?!) only that the term Lesbian was "inspired", more or less, from the poet Sappho's homeland: Lesbos. In her poems Sappho proclaimed her love for other women and girls. Lesbian used to be interchangeable with Sapphist up until the 1900s where Lesbian became more prominent in medical text and in 1925 became the female equivalent of sodomite in many dictionaries. This was clearly intended to do less with homosexuality being taboo and more with how the world just likes screwing with the people of Lesbos.

The fact that Lesbian now refers to sexual orientation and not a demonym might possibly have angered the people of Lesbos (it did).

A List Of People The Greeks Don't Like And Why

Americans: This one only complies with native Greeks. Greek-Americans are busy partying in Astoria (OPA!!!). U.S. foreign policy in the Balkans during the Cold War ticked off the terrorist group Revolutionary Organization 17 November who decided to assassinate CIA Athens's station chief Richard Welch in 1975 possibly with the use of poisoned spanakopita. There was also a rather vicious spread of anti-American attitudes to the point where it became a good idea for American tourists to say they're Canadian. Recent U.S. actions in the Balkans and Iraq have made the Greeks act even more European.

British: The British have some statues (called the Elgin Marbles) they borrowed from the Parthenon and they haven't returned them - which makes them very bad distant neighbors! Greece doesn't like that.
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Albanians: Greeks are a discriminated minority in Albania. Greece doesn't like that either.

Macedonians: Hoo boy...So what happens when one nation names itself, its language and its people after a region in Greece? A dispute so bad the U.N. had to be called to mediate before all Hades breaks loose (really really sorry for the bad mythology joke). Currently the Greeks are pretending Macedonia doesn't exist and there just happens to be an empty space between them, Albania, Bulgaria and Serbia.
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Turkish: Go on Youtube and look up any video that involves Turkey, Armenia or Greece together in some way (especially if it involves football). Then look at the comments. You'll know why.
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Cyprians: Go on Youtube again and do the same thing but add in Cyprus.
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Not the Italians: Greeks and Italians have more or less a rivalry like Ash and Gary from Pokemon. Though who is Ash and who is Gary is hotly debated.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding: A Documentary

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"There are two kinds of people: Greeks, and everyone who wish they was Greek."
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So you may have heard of this film written by and starring a Greek named Nia Vardalos. If not, a Greek will tell you about how it is the greatest movie ever made.
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This documentary is a basic introduction to Greek life. You've got the matriarch who overpowers the patriarch, the macho brother, the millions of Greek relatives and a yia-yia. While some things are made up for jokes like Greeks using Windex on everything (clearly this is highly exaggerated - Greeks only use it on burn wounds) there are a few things that are true. Greeks are very close-knit. There are many Nicks. And Greeks would make love to roast lamb if they had the chance.

Though honestly - who wouldn't?

But What About The Pedophilia and Pederasty?

IT HAPPENED ALL RIGHT?!?!?!?!?! LET US SPEAK NO MORE OF IT!!!

LALALA!!! - I CAN'T HEAR YOU - LALALA!!!