Stephen King
Stephen King is said to be one of the most accomplished writers working in America today, but really we think it's the name Hodder gives to a room they have full of monkeys and typewriters.
Just The Facts
- According to critical reception, Stephen King is hated by almost everyone
- According to sales figures, fact 1 is a lie
- Stephen King is richer than you will ever be, because your writing is terrible
Cracked on Stephen King
Stephen King has written about thirty thousand novels about psychic children, haunted things, and occasionally psychic children terrorised by haunted things. It is a market strategy that has served him well for several decades.
Stephen King began as a struggling artist whose life you can relate to in every way. Living barefoot in a caravan below the poverty line, he spent his days writing reams of unpublishable fiction and languishing in a self-induced hell of alcoholism and depression, just like you.
One day, his frustrated wife dug one of his failed manuscripts out of the garbage, and in typical wife style, nagged him into finishing it. That manuscript was the novel Carrie, which converted Stephen King almost instantly from near-hobo to bourgeois pop-culture aristocratic novel-writing cyborg.
Bibliography
King's prominent works, complete with comprehensive synopsis.
Carrie - Psychic child kills people.
Salem's Lot - Vampires.
The Shining - Haunted hotel kills people.
The Stand - An apocalyptic epic detailing humanity in the aftermath of the swine flu.
Firestarter - Psychic child kills people.
Cujo - Family dog kills people. Dog may or may not be haunted.
Christine - Haunted car kills people.
Pet Sematary - Zombies.
It - Haunted clown kills people.
The Tommyknockers - Aliens land. People die.
The Shawshank Redemption - No seriously, he wrote that.
Rose Madder - Seriously, who knows what this one was about.
The Dark Tower - King's epic self-insertation fanfic.
Dreamcatcher - Aliens land. People die.
From a Buick 8 - Haunted car kills people.
Cell - Zombies.
Rose Madder was my favorite.
Reply._.
I do NOT like Stephen King. The Green Mile was okay. I don't like how he goes on for sixteen pages about the color of the sky. I get it, it's f*cking blue. Dean Koontz is better, at least you can't always predict his novels. I can read 3 sentences of a S.K. novel and tell you the end. maybe I read too much, maybe I'm too smart, whatever... but he blows.
ReplyThis article is lame as hell. It's ridiculous to simplify the plots of Stephen King's books the way you do; it's like saying The Godfather is all about mobsters and implying it's just silly and overly long. Also, while it's true that some writers have best-selling formulas and don't work to make their writing engaging, have you ever READ a Stephen King book? His writing is funny, unpretentious, and lifelike. The supernatural s**t may be what gets all the attention in Stephen King books, but the reason they're awesome is because of the characters and the writing.
ReplyAlso, what the f**k do you mean critical reception has been negative for Stephen King? Have you seen all the awards and s**t the guy's won?
Suck my balls.
I agree :D
Cell actually isn't about zombies. The "phoners" didn't die and come back, they had all sense of humanity wiped from their brains.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAs for Rose Madder I suppose you could say it's about a haunted painting, sort of.
Haunted painting kills people?
Yeah, it kind of kills one person, who totally deserved it. It's more like the painting is a doorway to another world, though. Not really haunted.
I've read Cell multiple times. Technically, no, it's not about zombies. But it's zombie-like enough to be called a zombie book.
I remember loving the Stand when I read it at 14...
Replywow so much more to be said on this topic! where is the rant about changing his novel (wrote under another name) "the running man" into that Arnie romp when it could have been waaaaay better?
Replyrose madder is about a mildly abused housewife who's husband gets sucked into a painting thats inhabited by a minotaur. seriously.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMILDLY abused? What are you smoking? He beat her until she had a f*****g miscarriage.
and those beatings were on a daily basis
Mildly? He raped her with a tennis racket!
Where's the summary for Gerald's Game?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesHmm, let's see - wimpy little wifey plays along with her pervo husband, finally decides to stand up to him at the worst possible time, and pervo has a heart attack and dies leaving wifey handcuffed to a bed in a deserted lake area. Sound about right?
That novel blew dead rats, btw.
Old man plays chess with himself?
This is shit.
Replyyou should link this to my maine article, since SK and maine are best friends.
ReplyIt's a bit unfair when you simplify the plots to that level... But that's just me being pedantic. Otherwise it's a pretty good article!
Reply