Because pancakes are for pussies.

Because nothing turns me on more than a woman who prefers waffles.

Just The Facts

  1. Waffles for the win
  2. Pancakes are synonymous with prostitute labia.
  3. If you eat waffles, women will be immediately be attracted to your great taste in breakfast foods.

The Contender: Waffles Vs. Pancakes

I was debating whether or not to take "Waffles" as my first attempted Cracked article. It was a mental battle of epic proportions, possibly comparable to the last battle in the third Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I mean, this metaphysical battle was positively brutal, Mexico was screaming to be written, just like how the quintessential ugly girl with the lazy eye in high school is screaming to for sweet love by the fire; Jennifer Lopez had so many potential jokes to be told, most of them pertaining to the classic South Park episode in which Cartman's hand was undergoing a lucrative identity crisis, chomping away and wasting multiple bites of a computer animated taco which I would have gladly devoured. But, the human inside of my near satanic soul had grabbed a hold of my decision making and advised me to do something simple and ambiguous, and what could possibly be more ambiguous than a waffle? I mean seriously? Unless you're one of those weirdos with a glutton intolerance and get to live the rest of your depraved life without most delicious pastries. I'm so thankful that I can indulge in gluttonous food items, aren't you glutton-less freaks envious of me?

Anyways, Waffles is my chosen subject, I've thrown my Ring of Ring's into the fires of Mordor and I have no other choice but to embark upon a journey into a staple american breakfast food.


I do believe the greatest conflict in the entire flour-based breakfast race is the age old question.

Should I get waffles or pancakes?

My little mind ponders on how many individuals have sat on the seats, reminescent of trucker farts, inside of Wafflehouse/IHOP, looking at their cheaply laminated menus, wondering the possibilities of their noon breakfast. Waffles or pancakes? Waffles or pancakes? Waffles or pancakes?

Well, let me help you make your life (and the life of the underpaid waitress that's impatiently tapping her pen to her order pad) easier.

Choose the waffles, and you choose wisely.

Why, you ask?

Well, look at this.

Are you wondering what that is?

Well, if you are, then you're just daft. It's a racquet, it's used to volley balls around on a courtyard, and if you couldn't guess what this was, then the chances that your balls will be volleying around anywhere is slim to none.

I bring up the racquet because it's the key factor that differentiates between waffles and pancakes. Waffles have flavor grids, pancakes do not.

Now, some of you are readying your rebuttal.

Pancakes are absorbent, they soak up the flavor of the maple syrup/honey/jam/semen than you adorn it with.


Pancakes may absorb, but their biggest flaw lies within their aptitude to become soggy, kind of like how your gym socks absorb the dank sweat of your feet and smell for days later when you neglect your laundry.

It's just not appetizing, eating a soggy pancake. It's like biting into the labia of a prostitute who has obviously been making bank on the streets before you called her over to your Volkswagon and asked her the hourly fee. I strongly advise against any kind of mouth to labia contact with any prostitute. Please don't do it, or I'll be the cause of a curiosity fueled outbreak of syphilis/herpes/fish breath.

Back to point, pancakes get soggier than the pants of your grandfather when your busty fornication partner comes over for dinner.

On the other hand, let's look into the advantages of the waffle.

The Waffle, in no way will resemble the over-worked labia lips of a prostitute. That is, unless your prostitute had previously been with a tennis player who got off on smacking her no-no parts with a racquet.

The Waffle is perfect, it's less absorbent than the pancake, but those phantasmagorical grids manage to trap in perfect square shaped morsels of flavor. Not only that, but it's fun to cut geometric patterns into the grid area. I mean, who hasn't tried their hand at making a perfect triangle in the middle square of their waffle?

The Waffle, not only has the capability to store morsels of flavor without turning into mounds of bog, it also has the ability to be topped with the same delectable treats as a pancake. I mean, look.

This is a pancake with whipped cream, what looks like raspberries, chocolate syrup and maple syrup.

Disgusting. If you're the kind of person who finds this atrocity of a breakfast food appetizing in anyway, then maybe you should get a membership to the gym and lose the sugar fat that you've stored so well in your stomach.

On the other hand, let's look at the Waffle with similar topping products.

I mean, look, delectable. I would have sex in that, I would have wild food sex in that waffle. I would cover every inch of my body with that waffle and have you lick it off.

I'm just kidding, I wouldn't let you come within 4 feet of my body. But I would eat that waffle. No, I won't eat it with you.

Look, take it from me. Waffles are superior, they just are. I mean, if you were sitting at the bar, looking at the menu, and two girls approach you. They're friends, one is a fucking bomb shell and she looks like she's got the toned arms of a tennis player who uses a racquet; the other is sort of fat and soggy and she looks like she's been passed around the table a couple times too much and is probably housing a semen bank inside of her.

Which are you going to choose?

Good job, I knew you would make the right decision.

My parting words will be this Urban Dictionary entry.

1. soggy pancake 4 up, 2 down love it hate it
When a group of males ejacualate onto a pancake at the same time. the last man to unload on said waffle must eat it. The soggy portion of the title coming from the fact that the waffle will now be wet and soggy from semen.
Dude, last night my buddies and I played soggy pancake, and Frank lost. But he made his girlfriend eat it instead.