Things You'd Need If You Lived On The Moon

The surface of the moon could boil water or freeze it. The atmosphere is nonexistent and you could get blown up at any second and the moon causes more cancer than sunbathing in gamma radiation.

If a retarded green monster can make a cheese mine then you can too!

Just The Facts

  1. The moon is estimated to be 4.6 billion years old.
  2. The moon is populated entirely by giant Sand Worms or Luna Vermis (Magnus). (see Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back)**
  3. It is beleived that the moon was formed from a planet impacting the Earth.
  4. **I did a background check on fact #3 and it turns out I made it up...
  5. In the sun the moon sits at a comfortable 243 degrees Fahrenheit.
  6. In the dark the moon is -272 degrees Fahrenheit.
  7. There is no atmosphere on the moon which means no noises and no breathing.
  8. This article has nothing to do with Oompa Loompa sex. Ok, maybe just once.

First you need to get to the moon.

The cost is not really that bad just $104 billion for NASA to make an "... Apollo on steroids," you could get the money faster if you.... sold your body to science... if you catch my drift (do you?). Space is not safe though. Space is like Golem, the moment you turn your back on one of them it'll bite your finger clean off. If your caught outside of your space ship all the water in your body vaporizes ( due to lack of pressure) your body parts will swell to twice their original size and for guys that could possibly be a beneficial thing, but we're not concentrating on that now... maybe later. Then, the nitrogen in your blood would form air bubbles which are called DCS or "The Bends" which means, unless you get to a recompression chamber your in trouble. You can actually survive in space for about 15 seconds before the really life threatening symptoms begin to take place. If your body is treated with oxygen soon after the exposure, survival is possible. After a minute and 30 seconds there is no more hope, and you would resemble Violet from 'Willy Wonka' except Oompa Loompas won't sing a song and roll you to a discrete location to 'fix' you.

Is it just me or does this look wrong?

Oh yeah, about the 'sell your body to science' thing I meant prostitution if... if you didn't figure it out.

What you need to bring.

Unless you want to live in a crater it would be best to bring a base and put food in it. The moon's dust is very nutritious, but you should bring something to eat. According to this site by eating the bare minimum of food you need 1.2 pounds of food a day, sounds better already!!! This comes to 440 pounds a year, preferably fashioned into a dry bar. Say you wanted to live there the rest of your life and if you're reading this you're most likely in your 30's or 40's lonely and in your mother's basement. With your healthy non-stop gaming physique (like a male Rosie O' Donell or female... same thing) you will O.D. I mean... perish at the age of 77.5 - 80 (average lifespan of American). Best case scenario (or worst) the "astronaut" would live for 50 years from the age of 30. That makes 22,000 pounds of doggy biscuits to bring with you. Taking that much extra weight would call for some really deep pockets because it would cost $2,200,000,000. Growing your own food should be the best option and will give you something to twitter about other than... "I'm watching T.V.".

I bet your thinking "Wow, that looks cool," and that's exactly why I put it there.

More costs?

You have to buy a space suit that will cost about $12,000,000 and a lunar rover that will cost $38,000,000... for four, but you've got to have some luxury other than your bounteous amounts of tasteless bars that, coincidentally, you'll be consuming for the rest of your life (your sad, anguished life). What about water? As of now there are no known water sources on the moon that can be reached. The soil contains oxygen which can be harvested to breath. If hydrogen is sent to the moon too then you can make water with the oxygen. If that isn't too exciting for you try collecting dull moon rocks that look like gravel. With all this mind numbing monotony you'll plummet into a spiraling depression that will ultimately lead to you smearing 'HELP' across the moon in your own blood and stool.

Photograph of current NASA moon base.

How you would die.

If you avoid the moon worms your chances of living are pretty good right? Wrong, since the moon is lacking an electromagnetic field, from a magma core, it is trounced by radiation from every direction of space. Not only that, but when this radiation batters the moon it creates a miniature nuclear reaction that releases even more radiation. So the conclusion is you really can't go outside for more than a couple days cause you may be risking cancer and who knows if you would be safe inside your base either. Oh, but the moon isn't done with you yet, it has meteors that are approximately 7.6 cm across impacting it. These meteors would give a good bruise on your head, maybe even stub your toe. Not too bad, but it would really ruin your day... except that they collide into the moon with the force of 150-300 pounds of TNT. If you get hit with that maybe future astronauts would mistake your remains for microorganisms embedded in the moon's surface.

Ok maybe not that big...

This is about 350 lbs., but you get the idea.

Other meteors hit the moon too, for example a meteor with the force of 4 tons of TNT hit the moon in 2006 and if your little base was there prepare for an extremely silent death. After this impact scientists started recording how many meteors hit the moon and in just 20 hours they saw two. The bottom line is the longer you stay the better chances you have of being sent into complete and utter oblivion. So the next time you ask what you would need if you lived on the moon just ask yourself... "Why the hell would I want to do that".