Pandas

Panda bears are nearly extinct and it seems they are just fine with that.

I hate myself and i want to die

Just The Facts

  1. Panda bears are the cutest substance known to man.
  2. Panda bears are ‘bear shaped’ according to Wikipedia.
  3. Panda bears and survival are not the best of friends.
  4. Theodore Rooseveldt, Jr was the first Westerner to shoot a Panda.

Panda Bears

We humans are on top of the food chain. Being on top of the food chain you get some privileges, you get to eat other beings lower down on the chain and you get to bulldoze their homes to build malls. We tucked into just about any animal we can find little regard for tomorrow. Somewhere down the line we developed a social conscious and realized if we keep eating Tiger ball starters soon there will no Tigers left.


McDonalds stopped serving McDodo burgers, Taco Bell canceled the White Rhino Taco Supreme and French restaurants stopped serving Ape Dick alla Walla.

As part of our 'not eating you anymore' policy we started projects to help rekindle the species that have nearly gone extinct. Most animals gave their full cooperation, not wanting to go all extinct and shit.

The Panda however sat back, kick up its legs and said - "Survival of the species? Fuck that noise!"

It is as if Pandas are suicidal, they want their species to go extinct. Let's take a quick look at why Pandas are so bad at surviving.

Eating Habits

From the ground up, the Panda bear was built a carnivore. From the teeth to the digestive system, Pandas were designed to eat meat. At some point in history Pandas turned vegan and started dining on bamboo.

Way of the Panda

Way of the Panda

They will eat some meat if they can get their paws on it, but they eat mainly bamboo. Since their digestive system is not really designed to digest bamboo, they have to eat a shitload of bamboo to get enough nourishment to survive.

Surviving - fail

Fail

Mating Habits

Pandas don't really like sex. Male pandas in captivity have little to no interest in 'getting it on' with the females. Researchers were so desperate they even resorted to Panda Porn and Viagra.

Human Equivalent of the Panda

Human equivalent of a male Panda

In the wild things don't go much better. Panda bears are very territorial and hardly ever meet another Panda.

During mating season male Pandas leave their territory in search of some poontang. During their searches if two males meet they will throw down like two dudes in a cage fight. If the male meets a female…They may or they may not mate, preferring instead to just sit and chow on some bamboo.


To make matters worse a female Panda is only in heat once a year! If by chance she does get knocked up she has only one cub. If she gets two, she will just ignore one of the cubs and let it die.

Researchers are working desperately trying to keep them alive. Yearly millions and millions of dollars are spent trying to save Pandas. If they were not so damned cute, we would have long time ago just said - "Fuckit, let them die".