GoldenEye 007

If you played video games in 1997, chances are you spent many a late night killing the shit out of your friends in GoldenEye 007. You were also probably consuming a dangerous amount of Cheetos and Mountain Dew.

GoldenEye 007: All the essential ingredients of a nutritious and delicious gaming experience.

Just The Facts

  1. Widely considered one of the greatest games of all-time.
  2. Released in 1997 and has sold over eight-million copies.
  3. One of the first games to include a groin-shot death animation.
  4. Contains one of the most frustrating protection missions ever. We're looking at you "Control."
  5. Allows you to use the shittiest video game weapon of all time, the Klobb.

History

Do you remember what the most important thing in your life was in late 1997? Of course you do, it was fucking GoldenEye 007.

GoldenEye 007 puts you in the shoes of Ian Fleming's legendary spy, James Bond, as he murders his way across 20 levels of nonstop face shooting action. The game kicks incredible amounts of ass and was groundbreaking upon its original release in August of 1997. Boasting a large assortment of weapons, context sensitive gunshot wounds and block-headed enemies, GoldenEye took the gaming world by storm. Its single-player mode was praised for its mix of stealth and action, as well as its emphasis on varied objectives. No longer was your mission solely to "get the key," GoldenEye had you planting tracking devices, driving tanks, destroying missile silos, shooting people in toilet stalls and bungee jumping off of dams.

This is going to hurt you, more than it is going to hurt me.

This is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt me.

GoldenEye 007 follows the plot of the film pretty closely. After a mission goes awry, Bond's partner Alec Trevelyan, agent 006, is killed in action. Bond later investigates the theft of a prototype military helicopter by the Janus crime syndicate, which also has connections to the deadly GoldenEye satellite. Upon agreeing to a meeting with the head of Janus, Bond discovers that Janus' leader is actually Alec Trevelyan. Bond must stop Trevelyan from using the GoldenEye satellite to avenge his parents' death by robbing the Bank of England and destroying Great Britain's economy.

"Wah wah, my parents died and I am a huge wuss."

Multiplayer

Despite GoldenEye's awesome single-player mode, what truly defines it as a game is its four-way multiplayer deathmatch mode. Deathmatch mode allowed for you and three of your friends to grab your awkwardly-shaped N64 controllers and do what friends do best, kill each other. GoldenEye's multiplayer lets you play as most of the characters featured in single-player mode. One of those characters is Trevelyan's henchwoman Xenia Onatopp, played by Famke Jannsen, who like every other woman you know, literally gets off on killing you.

Don't they all? You feel us, fellas?

You also get to play as a few bonus characters taken straight from the James Bond mythos. Oddjob, Grace Jones, Jaws and Baron Samedi, fresh off his appearance in Blondie's Rapture video, all make an appearance.

We thought you looked familiar.

Gaming Etiquette

GoldenEye 007 has been known to cause fights between its players. Some points of contention are whether or not screen-watching is considered strategy or cheating (it's cheating), whether or not it's good form to memorize all the spawn points and kill people before they even have a chance to acquire a weapon (douchebag behavior) and whether or not using Oddjob is strategy or just a means of hiding one's lack of skill (GODDAMNIT! HE'S TOO SHORT AND FAST! WHAT? YOU JUST POPPED UP FROM OUT OF NOWHERE! SON OF A BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK? ARGH!!!!!!).

You smug son of a bitch.

Legacy

GoldenEye 007 paved the way for the glut of first-person shooters we have today. It had a "spiritual successor" in the game Perfect Dark and later on in the Timesplitters franchise. It was also followed by a number of sequels such as Tomorrow Never Dies, The World is Not Enough, Agent Under Fire and 007 Nightfire, none of which captured the same success of GoldenEye 007, but still did well enough on their own. Although games like Doom and Quake were the first to pioneer the FPS, GoldenEye created the blueprint that most shooters have followed since.

You'd be better off just shooting yourself in the head to save time.