Monopoly

For reasons unknown, the Parker Brothers developed a hatred of mankind. They wanted to watch the world burn. Brilliantly, they created a way for humanity to destroy themselves. That creation was called Monopoly...

How can the Parker Brothers sleep at night?

Just The Facts

  1. The homocides and aggrivated assaults in the world grow exponentially as Monopoly sales increase.
  2. The Crips and the Bloods were allies that worked together to volunteer in their neighborhoods until one day, they decided to play monopoly...
  3. The Mayan doomsday calendar, Nostrodamus, and Miss Cleo all predict an end to the world on December 21, 2012, the same day Monopoly will release its new version with chrome pieces.
  4. Only about 12 people have ever finished a game. WITHOUT it ending in a bloodbath.
  5. HIV was the Parker Brothers' first attempt at destroying humanity but it was taking too long.

The 2nd Most Dangerous Game Of All Is Man. The First Is Monopoly

What better way to bond with family and friends than have one of you dominate financially? The answer is by having better real estate that is rented out to those same people. The game starts out by everyone choosing a piece. Inevitably, a small fight will break out over who gets the car, the boat, and the dog, since everything else is for pussies. I mean, who's ever wanted to be the fucking shoe? Anyway, that is resolved but tension is already high.

After about 3 and a half hours of game play, someone finally lands on the boardwalk and buys it. This is the begining of the end. After another 3 hours, one person is dominating the good real estate with 12 hotels each while everyone else only has that piece of crap square where rent is only $10. Down to your last $100, you "know" you can come back since GO is only 5 spaces away and then you're good to go. Too bad for you, you rolled a 3 and you landed on the space with 12 hotels on it. Everyone says the only way to pay it off is to morgage your property but fuck that shit. How do they even fit on the board?You ask for everyone to forget about it this one time, but they already let you get out of jail for free so they say no. You bring up real life cases of you helping out Billy over there with money and Billy freaks out. Soon, everyone is pissed off and starts dropping the F bomb. Then you see the banker pocket a $500 dollar bill and all Hell breaks loose. Push comes to shove and every third work is either "fuck" or cocksucker". Finally Mark drops the N bomb which is infortunate since this was the first time you ever played with Leeroy Johnson from next door and Leeroy breaks his 40 on the table and tries to stab Mark but all you care about is if oxyclean can get blood out of the new rug, you would've helped Mark out but the cocksucker bought out water works and you were soooo close to getting it. So, you decide to help Leeroy (and make sure the mess isn't too bad) but Frank ows Mark after letting the payment slide after landing on his water works and gets you in a head lock.

Half an hour later the cops come due to a noise complaint and see thisOnly a million times worse. And with spiders. Lots of spiders.

Monopoly In Pop Culture

The Movie Se7en was supposed to be a documentary but the producers could not get the rights to the story because the victims' families did not allow it. In reality, Kevin Spacey's character was playing with the others and was furious when he lost. The way he carried out his murders were accurate but not the "sins". They where actually 1-stealing from the bank; 2- space skipper; 3- poor shuffler 4 - dice hog; 5,6 & 7 really were sloth (taking too long) pride, and lust. (He found a cum stain on a $5 bill).

NEVER play in EuropeNEVER play Monopoly in Europe. They believe in redistrubution of wealth and think everyone should share the money and the hotels. Hostel was an accurate dipiction of what happens when Europeans play with Americans. However, out of fear off being assassinated by the Parker Brothers due to the vilification of the game, Eli Roth made rich businessmen be a metaphore for monopoly.

The entire Saw Trilogy is funded by the small, brave group of people that are trying to end the sale of the game. When Saw 13 comes out, the twist will be that Jigsaw was just pissed off that he has never won a game of monopoly. Cancer was just the extra thrust that broke the hymen of his sanity.

How Can I Help End This Slaughter?

You can't. Like a virus it has spread. In its early stages we could have quarantined the few people that bought the game, burned all the games, and erased everyone's memories who played it. However, once it began gaining popularity, there was nothing more we can do. Before December 21, 2012 (aka Monopoly Death Day) rolls around, make sure you tell your loved once how much you love them. Ironically you'll probably be the one who kills them. Finally, pray the virus doesn't mutate into a more deadly form. At least before the prophesied MD-Day.