Rape

What we hear a lot about these days is rape prevention. Young women in particular get advice from everyone - their mothers, newspapers who apparently think they are their mothers - everyone.

...but what might be more useful (especially for this site's demographic, if you know what I mean)* are some helpful tips on how not to be a rapist. Yes, you too can prevent rape, with this handy guide!

*You. Look like a rapist. I think it's the beard.

Tip Number One:

It has been suggested that so called 'mainstream' pornography actually contains many scenes that depict rape, or a similar, ambiguous situation. Review your porn collection (if anybody asks where you are during the next week, say you're preventing rape). If the women tend to be shouting 'Yes, yes, yes!' you're probably okay. Other than this, there are subtle clues you can spot to see if your collection is a healthy one. Lingerie, generally, is good. Duct tape is bad. Porn 'tasche good, balaclava bad. That kind of thing.

Tip Number Two:

If you're on a night out, in a club or a bar, try not to rape anyone. Also, if someone else tries to rape someone, resist the temptation to go cheer him/her on, ask for a turn, that kind of thing. Instead, call the police. In general, just try to behave like a human being, instead of a fucking dolphin.

Dolphins are bastards.

Tip Number Three:

If you ever find yourself in a really unfortunate position - say, at a bar talking to a cute girl with a stash of Rohypnol in your pocket - here's what to do.

First, tell the young woman at length about your explosive bowel condition until she goes away.

Second, feed that Rohypnol to the nearest dolphin.

Third, if all else fails, remove your own genitalia with a pair of garden shears.

It might sound extreme, but according to the media, it's that or you never see a miniskirt again.