Ireland

Ireland is an island from which the entire world claims ancestry. It is also one of the most geographically contested spots in history. Here Cracked tries to de-cypher some of it's mysteries.

Just The Facts

  1. Ireland is an island in Northwest Europe. That much is undisputed.
  2. Ireland is the second largest of the British Isles. It is. It just is. Any fuck who disagrees is more than fucking welcome to look up any of the Atlases published in the last two hundred fucking years. Seriously. Jesus Fucking Christ.
  3. Ireland's cheif exports are Irish Americans, potatoes and poetic, yet supremely masculine playwrights who like getting drunk.

Cracked on Ireland

History

Ireland has a long and rich history, the facts of which have been the cause of many a retarded and often violent arguement at least 7,000 years before Youtube existed. An island, it has been invaded by the Celts, the Vikings, the Normans and Japanese tourists.

Its Pearl Harbour all over again.

Pearl Harbour was nothing compared to this.

Ireland: The Stereotypes

Ireland is an island which is mercilessly stereotyped. All of the stereotypes are completely true, however, thus making them facts rather than stereotypes.

Of course, a fact in Ireland is usually anything but. Regardless of that, below, we shall highlight a few of them.

Stereotype #1: The Irish love a fight.

The Irish have fought the English (and alongside them, just for the"craic") for about 800 years. They have fought each other and their own reflections for considerably longer. Here are some Irish Travellers proving that point.

Stereotype #2: The Irish love a drink.

Here's honourary Irishman (he was born in Ireland but grew up in London and has a cockney accent) Shane McGowan demonstrating the second stereotype. And perhaps explaining the first one while he's at it.

Stereotype #3: The Irish are stupid.

Whilst we acknowledge that this is a fictional character, we have no doubt that he is based on real Irish people.

Stereotype #4: The Irish love swearing.

The Irish are fucking world class at swearing. This is due to the fact that they were forced to adapt English as their mother tongue rather than their native Gaelic. Historians agree that had the Americans not intervened, France would be the most proficient nation at swearing in German.

Stereotype #5: Bono is a complete and utter tit.

The Irish are proud of many of their countrymen; WB Yeats, Brendan Behan, Oscar Wilde and Samuel Beckett to name but a few. Paul David Hewson, on the other hand, is a world class cunt of the highest order.

The Irish in Film.

Ireland's rich tapestry has been been deeply mined by Tinsletown to produce some of the most memorable movie characters ever.

The Quiet Man.

In "The Quiet Man" John Wayne plays Irish born wife-beater, Sean Thornton. That's wife-beater in the traditional rather than male under-garment sense for those of you who wanted more hypens in the sentence.

"The Quiet Man" was a western (west of Ireland) by legendary director John Ford starring the classic combo of John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara. It is notable for being one of the first major motion pictures in which a character spoke Irish Gaelic, the fist fight at the end, a truly badass scene where Wayne shows his woman who's boss and its near perfect characterisation of the Irish.

Begorrah

Darby O'Gill and The Little People.

Darby O'Gill might well be the most terrifying film ever made, feauturing as it does, a banshee, a death coach, the coolest leprechaun ever and Sean Connery's dreadful attempt at an Oirish accent.

The Commitments.

With a clip already featured in the stereotype section, this truly is - to use the vernacular - a fuppin' deadly show. The movie is based on a Roddy Doyle book and concerns Jimmy Rabbite's endevour to form a working class, Dublin based soul band.

All band members were cast by musical, rather than acting, ability.

Marvel at the voice of Andrew Strong; 18 years old when he played the lead singer. Also marvel at the dude from the frames playing rhythm guitar. Marvel at Colm Meaney doing something before Star Trek. Marvel at the fact that Alan Parker directed this shit. But most of all, marvel at backing singer 'Imelda Quirke'... and in particular, her arse.