Maru

Unless you're some kind of paranoid, anti-establishment hermit who pays work colleagues to select, print off and give you a selection of articles from their favourite websites, you're currently on the internet. In that case, logically you must know who Maru is. Yea?

WRONG!

You THINK you know who Maru is; you know that he's the best thing Japan has produced since the concept of competitive slapstick and you think that you "get" him. Get ready to have your mind blown peeps - your favourite acrobatic ball of fluff has some interesting rumours going around about his true nature nowadays. This is going to be more earth-shattering than coming downstairs on Christmas Morning to find Santa Claus doing a line of cocaine off of your mother's breasts!!!

Now, that wasn't necessarily the most apt analogy but A) I'm enjoying the idea that I've just managed to share a very traumatic experience from my childhood under the guise of humour and B) I find it satisfying to pointlessly corrupt the tone of an article about something as innocent as a cute little cat. Coming to think of it, points A and B probably have more in common than I care to realise...sorry, I've just remembered that this isn't a counselling session. Maru, yes.

The internet would generally have you believe that Maru is simply a cat who likes to lie on his back and occasionally pull whimsical, moody faces for the camera. Let me let you in to a little secret pal, nothing is that simple. If you care to take the risk of being a free thinker and look past your Illuminati controlled Wikipedias and Youtubes you'll find the web's garish, forgotten underbelly. One of these such sites is run by a particularly fascinating bunch of higher-consciousness-tapping, self-dubbed "Alternate Reality Dimentionaughts" who worship the Egyptian godess of cats: Bast.

Proof of Bast's age old habit of jumping into containers

The tactfully named "ARDs of Bast" claim that Maru is actually the 73rd incarnation of Bast and that she has manifested herself in these dire times to help preserve earth from the human race's general stupidity and in turn secure our dimension as a continued haven for all felinekind. As it turns out, we're one of the only dimensions that put up with the colossal amount of bullshit that cats in general give us, so it's rather important to them.

The ARDs of Bast then go on to explain Maru's life long mission: As our dimension has proven to be such a success for cats and their lazy habits, Bast has now made it her work to create facsimiles of our universe through a complicated application of quantum theory, involving dual state existence and something similar to quantum suicide. Here is a brief explanation of the technique:

1. Having ensured that he has an audience, Maru finds a box/wash bin or something of the sort (that's the easy bit).
2. Maru carefully sizes up the vessel, fully comprehending it's expanse and detail. This works as a way of anchoring his perception of the dimension.
3. Maru jumps in to the vessel.
4. Upon entering the vessel something very strange happens. The audience now know that Maru is inside the vessel but can't see him. As he is a cat, any idiot can tell you that Schrodinger's Cat Theory comes in to full effect. As no one can see him he instantly becomes both alive and dead or otherwise phrased "cute and non-cute" (death significantly compromises cuteness, even in the case of Maru).
5. Maru then jumps out of the vessel alive and cute as ever. However, due to Schrodinger's Cat Theory, there was a state of dimension previously where Maru was dead/non-cute. This means that a dimension still exists where Maru didn't make it out of the box, the poor kitteh :'( This is why his owner is always very quiet whenever Maru is jumping in and out of boxes. It only takes one time for it to all be over. Thankfully, to date, we all still live in the dimensional branch where Maru has made it out every time, but each time he has jumped out of a vessel he has created a facsimile of our dimension which has only one difference: no more Maru. What a sad, pointless, hopelessly uncute bunch of dimensions they must be...*sniff*

Maru tearing through the multiverse like a hot knife through butter

Yes

OK, since you asked nicely. Maru is definitely the best cat in the world based on many factors, namely cuteness, Japaneseness and being in boxes. Probably the best way to depict this is to see how Maru compares to other members of the cat community. That's right, it's:

***Round 1 - Maru Vs Your Cat***

Let's start on a personal level. As much as you're probably willing to defend your own kitty until you're blue in the face; I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Maru is better than your cat in all ways.

Contender: Your Cat

He looks cute when chasing after a laser pointer, but unfortunately this is because he is stupid and thinks that a red dot is some kind of animal. Yes, he is good at catching mice and birds, however he has no reason to be doing this and is actually simply being a disgustingly cold hearted killer. He is probably called Tom, Charlie or Craig. Or if you're particularly cool, maybe he's named after some kind of cat-related verb such as Dash, Pounce or Disparage.

Reigning Champion: Maru

Maru looks cute all of the time. Just the thought of him can make even the most boring or horrible situation infinitely cuter. Try thinking of him next time you're taking a hungover, Sunday morning dump for instance. Even the might of a beer fuelled shite is no match to the concept of Maru.

Winner: Maru, on the basis that he is not a pathological murderer and is more efficiently cute.

***Round 2 - Maru Vs Garfield***

Beating Felix, Sylvester and even the Samurai Pizza Cats, Garfield has been carefully selected as the strongest contender from the cartoon cat roster. However, I still have a feeling that he may not fair well against the titanic presence of Maru.

Contender: Garfield

You have to hand it to Garfield, he's got his strengths. Although he clearly has an unhealthy relationship with food and his inability to experience any other emotion than nihilistic sarcasm suggests unresolved issues from his past, I reckon he's doing pretty well. Considering he is stuck living with a deeply depressed 30-something who has no friends and a dog with an IQ almost as low as a Fox News presenter, I'm surprised he hasn't hung himself by now.

Reigning Champion: Maru

Maru has attitude, make no mistake. Some would say that he looks moody far too often, but wouldn't you be moody too if you had the responsibility of the worlds happiness on your shoulders? What you don't see is that only a fraction of the set-piece videos taken end up on mugumogu's youtube channel as there is a very high quality expectation.Think of Maru less as a petulant brat and more as an exhausted performer.

Winner: Maru, on the simple basis that he isn't ginger.

***Round 3 - Maru vs Fatso "Keyboard Cat" Schmidt***

Now this is a proper challenge, finally! Who will win between the two most successfully promoted cats in history? There's only one way to find out...

Contender: Fatso "Keyboard Cat" Schmidt

Keyboard Cat is arguably the most famous cat of recent years. Whether it's been a misplaced foot on a treadmill or a young boy next to Chuck Norris explaining that he has AIDS, keyboard cat has been there to help accentuate the lulz. Even without the accompanying snippets of fail, Fatso still achieves to be the coolest cat ever through his velvety t-shirt and effortless tinkling of the ivories.

Reigning Champion: Maru

With his own book, DVD and even swimwear range, Maru is certainly living the highlife nowadays. He is desirable; he is irresistible; he is super-sexy, he is such a cutie; he is ooh-aay-ooh! But is he cool? Much like disco itself, it's very much a matter of taste and opinion. However, it is important to keep in mind that he IS Japanese and he IS in a box.

Winner: Undecided. See I would say Keyboard Cat wins except for the fact that he is no longer alive, technically leaving Maru uncontested in his place as the best cat in the world. Best cat of all time though? Well, I wouldn't like to say. Either way they are two cats who have given so much to the world and I for one have no desire to besmirch either of them by suggesting they are anything short of absolutely awesome.

Mathematical evidence of the above claims