Jack Chick

Jack Chick, quite simply, is an ultra-fundamental pseudo-theologian, with a great many deal of issues to work out. Especially with Catholics. &&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||navigator.

Pictured: Jack Chick, left, and the man whose soul he is about to steal, right.

Just The Facts

  1. Jack Chick is the publisher of many Christian evangelical Chick tracts (which contain an alarmingly low amount of chicks.)
  2. Chick believes in ultra-fundamental Christianity, which shows in his works.
  3. According to his tracts, anybody (even a professional killer) can be saved as long as they accept Jesus. Unless they are Catholic, that is.
  4. If you accept Jesus, even in only word, you can do whatever the hell you want.
  5. He is not a parody.
  6. I am not making this up.

History of Jack Chick

Little is actually known about Jack Chick's personal life. We can only speculate (i.e., make up) that he grew up in a cult (make your own damn Christianity joke here) and became so obsessed that even the leader stated, and we quote, "Shit, what kind of drugs is he on?" Jack Chick decided that his ideas needed a larger audience, deciding to publish his Sunday School doodles. And by publish, we mean put online to get laughed at.

But this is all speculation. In truth, the only photo we have of him is the one located at the top of the page. All we really know about him is that somewhere in his lifetime, he picked up the idea that if you do not specifically say that you accept Jesus, you will go directly to Hell, not pass Go and not receive $200. Still, the quest goes on. Who is the real Jack Chick? Who is his actual target audience? Who actually reads this shit without losing any faith they previously had in God?

Pictured: Jesus Not Pictured: How much he hates you

Pictured: Jesus Not pictured: How much he hates you

Content of Chick Tracts

As many you might know from going to mistakenly visiting www.chick.com (what exactly were you looking for anyway?) Chick publishes his tracts by putting them on his own website, on which one of the options in the sidebar is "Meet Jesus." Clicking on it, in hopes of signing up for that shit, I was given no actual information other than to accept him as my savior and die. People who are forced to read further into this site will probably take this advice over having to read Chick tracts.

At any rate, Jesus or no Jesus, Jack Chick stores most of his tracts on this site. We say most, as he has since taken down the one about the father who molested his own daughter finding instant forgiveness with Jesus and coming home and becoming a happy family. You read that last statement correctly, and it was not a joke. Apparently someone running the site had enough sense to take it down. got sued.

Most tracts try to teach a moral that is usually wrong to begin with, and has a horrible tendency to get worse as time goes on. Sometimes they do have a good moral, such as respecting the Jewish people, but Chick manages to throw at least a little anti-Catholic sentiment, such as replacing the word "Nazi" with "Catholic" as the two are apparently interchangeable. Also, note that according to Chick, Catholics are actively outlawing any other religion and trying to start up a second Holocaust. For his sources, Chick cites some anti-Catholic propaganda book, never thinking to look for more than just one source. After searching frantically for a "Stop making shit up." button, I settled with a survey, in which I politely added a "Please."

Most of the tracts follow a reliable pattern: A person who doesn't believe in Jesus (and apparently never heard of him, ever) comes in contact with someone who does. These two exchange beliefs and either accept Jesus, or meet Death and burn in Hell for all eternity. Oh, and you better fucking believe in Jesus. It doesn't matter who you are, even if you are the pope (especially if you are the pope, might be more accurate), you are going to Hell if you don't say the magic words. Chick really believes in the whole "God is a god of love, as in he loves sending you to Hell" thing.

He's watching...

Often times, a nonbeliever will have other notions, such as dinosaurs and man never interacted, and that there is some crazy thing called "evolution." What idiots! Why do they believe in evolution, which apparently states that there is no God, and that you're an invincible, Aryan, bastard who should look down on everyone different that you. Other times, someone gives up on what they believed in their entire lives, because some guy who says the magic word ("Jesus") tells him that everything they have been taught is a lie. He also tells him (them) that Allah is not God, and that Muhammad was a manipulative jerk. Mind you, we are supposed to be rooting for said guy.

Note, that the Muslim in the aforementioned tract was converted to Christianity, even after being shown to be in a global Islamic conspiracy to take down the United Kingdom and the United States. Go Jesus power! Chick again and again promotes intolerance to other religions, under the guise of pretending to save them from Hell. Chick's definition of "Hell" seems to mean "thinking." In one instance, Chick actually condemns those believe in religious tolerance. Because if there was one thing Jesus stood for, it was only looking at one viewpoint, and blocking out everything else.

Fox News, the news network of Jesus!

Chick tracts are notorious for many things: racism, going against the Bible, making no sense whatsoever, not even using relevant Bible quotes, being "adapted for Black audiences" (why does it need to be adapted?), and being handed out by that creepy old lady on Halloween, as opposed to candy. Targets for multiple eggings aside, Chick constantly states that you will go to Hell if you do not accept Jesus, no matter how good of a person you are. In one tract ("Flight 144") two missionaries who spent fifty years in Africa opening schools and caring for the sick and poor wind up in Hell, specifically because they did good works. Sure, you could argue that they did it just to get to Heaven, but if you spend half a century dedicating your life to helping others, you probably deserve to get in, no matter what your motivations are. But leave it to Chick to throw them into the fiery furnace of eternal torment and despair.

Hell, the place teeming with homosexuals, Catholics, popes, Muslims, and evolutionists. This place is the default destination after you die. God hates his creation, and though he sends people to Hell for their sins, they can obtain a "Get out of Hell free" card by stating that Jesus is their personal savior. But wait! It's not that easy! The devil is actively trying to stop you (and kill you. Just a heads up.) from achieving peace with God. The devil is responsible for all evil in the world, including: evolution (obviously), rock music (even Christian rock), spontaneous AIDS (mystery solved!), and ignorance (ironically enough.) If anyone says anything logical, they are obviously the Devil in disguise. Also, the Devil is responsible for the Vatican, in an attempt to brainwash all Christians into "cookie worshiping."

OM NOM NOM NOM

A devoted worshipper of Satan, hard at work worshipping.

Chick openly bashes all who oppose him. Most tracts show that since being gay is totally a choice, anybody who is gay openly depraved and look like Village People rejects, with mustaches that put Mario to shame. He shows them mauling a man who protests at a gay rights rally, since that man is supposed to be in the only non-corrupted minority. Which explains why gay marriage passed so easily in California (it didn't.) Honestly, is that how he actually sees homosexuals? Does he really think that they are depraved killers? We would say that that is ridiculous, but that is how he portrays them every single time. He crosses his own hypocrisy too many times to count. Everyone can be saved accept for the people he doesn't like. God is shown to hate everyone he meets. He is like that one emo kid that you always see hanging around the corners at parties, violently trying to restrain himself from beating the living hell out of other emo kids.

Jack Chick's representation of God.

Chick does not realize what it means to be fit for a certain audience. Just because a certain type of people (i.e., truckers) are in a comic, it does not mean that the message is great for truckers. That is like saying that Obama should have loved all those campaign smear commercials, because he was the star! If you make a comic about homosexuals being depraved lunatics, chances are that the homosexual community will not be pleased (for good reason.) It is one thing to be disliked for your message, and quite another being just a jackass (Hint: Jack Chick is the latter.)

People who can be saved by Jesus

I am...an atheist.

It's a vampire! Quick, convert him!

Before you shoot me, have you heard of Jesus?

You know you want to...

The guy in this van. And how!

Nope.

Only if he cancels his deal with his record agent, Satan.

Nobody who believes in this guy

If you are noticing a general pattern of conditional salvation, you are not alone. Most Chick's stories revolve around how you can only be saved if you meet a set of requirements.

Thus says the Lord: "You will be cast into the pit where there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth because you failed to fill out form 7b. And because I hate you.

For a webcomic slightly better than Daisy Owl (slightly), visit www.baneslinger.com The_Gecko out.