Super Smash Bros.

Super Smash Bros. is a video game series in which you beat the shit out of famous Nintendo characters. In other words, the perfect game for an Xbox 360 fanboy.

You probably didn't even read it

Yep, you're fucked, Mario.

Just The Facts

  1. Hugely successful game series
  2. Has 4 titles - Super Smash Bros, Super Smash Bros Melee, Super Smash Bros Brawl and Super Smash Bros Megasmackdown
  3. Marth is a ridiculously unfair character
  4. Once you get the hammer, you win

Cracked on Super Smash Bros.

The Super Smash Bros. games are a series of fighting games in which the fighters are characters from Nintendo's most successful franchises. Wait, did we say most successful? We meant any game Ninento has ever relased. Literally, if it has been in a Nintendo game for over six seconds, it's made an appearce in a Super Smash Bros. game. Mr. Game and Watch? Who the fuck was that? Who even cares, the fact that he cooks pain bacon is badass enough for us.

Super Smash Bros. (N64)

The first Smash Bros. game debuted on the Ninento 64 in 1999. It was originally intended as a throaway game, but when HAL (the game's developer) noted it's surprising success in Japan, Nintendo quickly released it in the Americas and Europe where it ultimately sold 5 million copies. The game was noted for its unique fighting system. In normal fighting games, the characters get a health bar and each hit the character took drained away a bit of its health. Nintendo being Nintendo, they had to change this. Instead, the game works off a percentage system. The more hits you take, the higher your damager percentage goes. Frankly, we don't get it either because after 5 minutes of gameplay, your damage percentage often goes above 100%, proving that contrary to the stereotype, Asians clearly don't understand math. Regardless, the higher your percentage is, the faster you get thrown off stage. Once you get knocked off the boundaires of the level, that's when you lose.

The game's legacy: Captain Falcon's classic FALCON PUNCH!!!

The game attracted popularity due to the novelty of having characters from different games beat the shit out of each other. In addition, extra nostalgia was added in the forms of levels (modeled after Nintendo franchise settings) and items, objects from Nintendo games that can be used by the player to hurt the opponent.

Super Smash Bros. Melee (GameCube)

Bowser's dreaded cosmic fart sends the other players flying

Two years and a new game console later, Nintendo released Super Smash Bros. Melee, an incremental improvement on the original game. Featuring crisper graphics, more characters, items, stages and trophies, the game was one of the GameCube's biggest successes.

Trophies were a neat feature within the game that rewarded the player after passing various milestones in the game. Trophies were basically 3D models of famous Nintendo characters, stages and items that the player could collect after doing various tasks in-game.

Luigi's trophy shows him posed in his trademark "homosexual pounce"

In Super Smash Bros. Melee, the game's control mechanics were refined to ensure maximum ass-kickery. Unlike many fighting games, which rely on memorization of button combos, Super Smash Bros. Melee featured a simple, dynamic interface for you to slaughter Pickachu with fire. The mechanics are as follows:

  • A Button ) This button is used for "smash attacks" and are common amongst all players. Holding down A can charge a smash attack for more damage and by hitting A with a flick of the analog stick, it chages the direction of the attack.
  • B Button ) This button is used for character-specific "special attacks". For instance, only Link can twirl his sword while Boswer breathes fire. Flicking the analog stick left or right changes it to another special attack, and flicking it up or down produces two more special attacks. Our favorite special attack is Peach's B move.

She literally whips out a defensless Toad to take the bullet.

  • Z Button ) The Z button is used for grabs, and can only be used when the characters are close enough so one can literally grab the other one and just smack him/her around like a bitch. It's pretty funny.
  • R Button ) The R button activates the user's shield. It will protect you from attacks but after ten seconds of continuous shield usage, the character will become woozy, leaving you vulnerable for a short wile.
  • X and Y Buttons ) The X and Y buttons, in addition to flicking the analog stick upwards, makes the main character jump. Double pressing them makes the character double jump.

The game recieved high critical acclaim and ultimately sold over 7 million copies, making it the best-selling GameCube game of all time. A little known fact is that due to the games excessive popularity in Japan, the game has actually sold more copies than the original Halo game. Suck it Bungie, people like killing Jigglypuff more than aliens.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl (Wii)

Released in 2008 to an insane amound of hype, Super Smash. Bros Brawl is the latest installment in Nintendo's fighting series and has already sold nearly 9 million copies worldwide. Damn. Improvements to this game include refined graphics, more characters, stages, items, a new battle mechanic and online gameplay.

The official Super Smash Bros. Brawl character roster - note the inclusion of perrenial favorites Professor Oak and Megatron

One of the game's most important changes is the introduction of the new battle mechanic known as the Final Smash. The Final Smash is basically a character-specific ultra-move that gurantees instant KOs. To activate your character's Final Smash, you have to beat the shit out of the Smash Ball (yes, Smash Ball), which floats around the stage. Once you've beat it up enough, your character begins experiencing some sort of angelic glow, and with the press of the B button, you unleash the wrath of Odin on your opponents.

Final Smashes turn the wimpiest characters into firebreathing badasses

Other changes include a new custom stage-builder mode, where players can create their own levels. A few more characters were added, and in a first for the series, some characters were removed. Yes, duplicate characters like Dr. Mario and Young Link were removed from the game. And really, you can't blame them. Dr. Mario was the basically (Die-hard Smash Bros. fans can just shut the fuck up about ridiculous specifics here) same thing as Mario except his fireballs were pills. Also, in another first for the series, third party characters were added alongside Nintendo characters. Solid Snake from Metal Gear was announced first, and fervor pitch reached an ultimate high until fans experienced what is known as "joystick orgasm" with the introduction of this charater:

Where the hell are they? Some pussy forest?

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