Super Smash Bros.
Super Smash Bros. is a video game series in which you beat the shit out of famous Nintendo characters. In other words, the perfect game for an Xbox 360 fanboy.
Just The Facts
- Hugely successful game series
- Has 4 titles - Super Smash Bros, Super Smash Bros Melee, Super Smash Bros Brawl and Super Smash Bros Megasmackdown
- Marth is a ridiculously unfair character
- Once you get the hammer, you win
Cracked on Super Smash Bros.
The Super Smash Bros. games are a series of fighting games in which the fighters are characters from Nintendo's most successful franchises. Wait, did we say most successful? We meant any game Ninento has ever relased. Literally, if it has been in a Nintendo game for over six seconds, it's made an appearce in a Super Smash Bros. game. Mr. Game and Watch? Who the fuck was that? Who even cares, the fact that he cooks pain bacon is badass enough for us.
Super Smash Bros. (N64)
The first Smash Bros. game debuted on the Ninento 64 in 1999. It was originally intended as a throaway game, but when HAL (the game's developer) noted it's surprising success in Japan, Nintendo quickly released it in the Americas and Europe where it ultimately sold 5 million copies. The game was noted for its unique fighting system. In normal fighting games, the characters get a health bar and each hit the character took drained away a bit of its health. Nintendo being Nintendo, they had to change this. Instead, the game works off a percentage system. The more hits you take, the higher your damager percentage goes. Frankly, we don't get it either because after 5 minutes of gameplay, your damage percentage often goes above 100%, proving that contrary to the stereotype, Asians clearly don't understand math. Regardless, the higher your percentage is, the faster you get thrown off stage. Once you get knocked off the boundaires of the level, that's when you lose.
The game's legacy: Captain Falcon's classic FALCON PUNCH!!!
The game attracted popularity due to the novelty of having characters from different games beat the shit out of each other. In addition, extra nostalgia was added in the forms of levels (modeled after Nintendo franchise settings) and items, objects from Nintendo games that can be used by the player to hurt the opponent.
Super Smash Bros. Melee (GameCube)
Bowser's dreaded cosmic fart sends the other players flying
Two years and a new game console later, Nintendo released Super Smash Bros. Melee, an incremental improvement on the original game. Featuring crisper graphics, more characters, items, stages and trophies, the game was one of the GameCube's biggest successes.
Trophies were a neat feature within the game that rewarded the player after passing various milestones in the game. Trophies were basically 3D models of famous Nintendo characters, stages and items that the player could collect after doing various tasks in-game.
Luigi's trophy shows him posed in his trademark "homosexual pounce"
In Super Smash Bros. Melee, the game's control mechanics were refined to ensure maximum ass-kickery. Unlike many fighting games, which rely on memorization of button combos, Super Smash Bros. Melee featured a simple, dynamic interface for you to slaughter Pickachu with fire. The mechanics are as follows:
- A Button ) This button is used for "smash attacks" and are common amongst all players. Holding down A can charge a smash attack for more damage and by hitting A with a flick of the analog stick, it chages the direction of the attack.
- B Button ) This button is used for character-specific "special attacks". For instance, only Link can twirl his sword while Boswer breathes fire. Flicking the analog stick left or right changes it to another special attack, and flicking it up or down produces two more special attacks. Our favorite special attack is Peach's B move.
She literally whips out a defensless Toad to take the bullet.
- Z Button ) The Z button is used for grabs, and can only be used when the characters are close enough so one can literally grab the other one and just smack him/her around like a bitch. It's pretty funny.
- R Button ) The R button activates the user's shield. It will protect you from attacks but after ten seconds of continuous shield usage, the character will become woozy, leaving you vulnerable for a short wile.
- X and Y Buttons ) The X and Y buttons, in addition to flicking the analog stick upwards, makes the main character jump. Double pressing them makes the character double jump.
The game recieved high critical acclaim and ultimately sold over 7 million copies, making it the best-selling GameCube game of all time. A little known fact is that due to the games excessive popularity in Japan, the game has actually sold more copies than the original Halo game. Suck it Bungie, people like killing Jigglypuff more than aliens.
Super Smash Bros. Brawl (Wii)
Released in 2008 to an insane amound of hype, Super Smash. Bros Brawl is the latest installment in Nintendo's fighting series and has already sold nearly 9 million copies worldwide. Damn. Improvements to this game include refined graphics, more characters, stages, items, a new battle mechanic and online gameplay.
The official Super Smash Bros. Brawl character roster - note the inclusion of perrenial favorites Professor Oak and Megatron
One of the game's most important changes is the introduction of the new battle mechanic known as the Final Smash. The Final Smash is basically a character-specific ultra-move that gurantees instant KOs. To activate your character's Final Smash, you have to beat the shit out of the Smash Ball (yes, Smash Ball), which floats around the stage. Once you've beat it up enough, your character begins experiencing some sort of angelic glow, and with the press of the B button, you unleash the wrath of Odin on your opponents.
Final Smashes turn the wimpiest characters into firebreathing badasses
Other changes include a new custom stage-builder mode, where players can create their own levels. A few more characters were added, and in a first for the series, some characters were removed. Yes, duplicate characters like Dr. Mario and Young Link were removed from the game. And really, you can't blame them. Dr. Mario was the basically (Die-hard Smash Bros. fans can just shut the fuck up about ridiculous specifics here) same thing as Mario except his fireballs were pills. Also, in another first for the series, third party characters were added alongside Nintendo characters. Solid Snake from Metal Gear was announced first, and fervor pitch reached an ultimate high until fans experienced what is known as "joystick orgasm" with the introduction of this charater:
Where the hell are they? Some pussy forest?
Follow the author of this topic on Twitter: @alexfurlin
Just started having terrifying flashbacks of the original N64 version, playing against my brother. He always used Donkey Kong, would grab me then jump off the stage. Common exchanges were "Don't, don't, don't, don't YOU f*****g CHEATING PIECE OF MONKEY SHIT!!!!!"
ReplyIts just fun breaking marios neck as solid snake and then quitly putting him to the ground even if he doesnt die.
Replyi was actually really sad they got rid of both pichu and roy, my two best characters. i knew in my heart they'd get the cut, but... roy's smash did these hugeass explosions. explosions! and as pichu i'd grab all the loot, then fully charge behind something and one-hit KO someone. oh, well.
Reply"if you get the hammer you win"
Replyhahahaha defs
How is Marth cheap?
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesi never saw him as a cheap character either but eh
I don't know. I've always thought he was pretty s****y honestly.
probably becaz he has such a long reach compared to other characters like mario, and his attacks are pretty strong.
His counter, which can beat the almighty hammer and homerun bat, and his b left/right attacks make him one of the best in the game. Also, his final smash will always get you a kill, as long as you don't suck with it, regardless of damage percent, he is one of the fastest characters in the game, and he has the added reach of a sword
I disagree. I am awesome with Luigi. Not a noob character.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesi used to use luigi =D but then i unlocked falco and now i pwn with him lol
I always lol when people bash Luigi. He's a terrible character...until you meet someone who's good at using him.
My ass still hurts from the raping I received from one such encounter.
I used to be Luigi, then I found Falco, the bird from starfox. Me and my friends would freeze frame and slow-mo his grab attack, where he snaps your back over his knee, throws you to the ground, and jump-hovers over you while blasting holes in your chest cavity.
I don't agree with most of the chart, except for the part of Captain Falcon and Snake. Olimar and Ice Climbers are characters really hard to master. That argument "You suck, play with them" don't fit...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesEither way, I can understand why they removed Roy, Dr. Mario and Young Link, but I don't know why they removed Mewtwo. He's not a clone, and could perfectly fit in Brawl alongside that stupid Lucario.
Good article. =)
And was was the point of replacing Young Link with Toon Link?
I agree, Mewtwo was way cooler than Lucario.
Mewtwo was really cheap, same with roy and dr. Mario. They switched them out for characters that play essentially the same, but aren't as strong/fast, fast, strong respectively
I think they confused Marth with Ike when describing the really unfair characters. My little brother beats the crap out of us with Ike. I'm talking total humiliation....
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesAhem. Marth beats Ike. Ike is slow as hell. Marth isn't. He is the only character who is fast AND strong.
I don't know about that. I think Captain Falcon meets that description to a tee.
yeah captin falcon is super fast XD and he does a shitload of damage but... his jumping isnt the best so it kinda evens out
Ike is a crappy version of roy, any of the fast characters, especially marth, have a massive advantage against him. Captain falcon is like marth, just without the reach and counter
It's cheap because of the fact that it's so easy to beat the s**t out of people with him. The real unfair character, however, was Samus from the original super smash bros. That goddamn charged shot was so fricking powerful.
i either want to be bender,jak or smoochy
ReplyOkay, good article, but let's get one thing straight: I will KILL YOUR FACE with Yoshi. Hataz gonna hate.
ReplyI don't understand how you could write a topic for Super Smash and not mention that it's part of a devious scheme on Nintendo's part to destroy the few meager friendships we have left to clear up more time for video games.
ReplyI'm on to you, Miyamoto...
as f*****g hilarious as this chart is IT ENRAGES ME that if you're a girl you are automatically assigned peach or zelda. RAGE. *foams at mouth*
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesJust saying, Zelda/Sheik was pretty awesome in melee...
Yeah, that was lame. I love Zelda/Peach but that doesn't mean that's the character I'm relegated to.
Yeah that was annoying. I hate Princess Zelda. My favourite characters are Wolf, Lucas, Falco and Pikachu. So all cutesey animals but eh.
Falco pwns all lol im epic with him
Peach is worthless. I only have Smash Bros 64 and I always owned people with Donkey Kong. Plus he has one of the best cheap moves in the game. Because he's the only one who can walk after grabbing someone, you can just grab them and jump off the level. although, that's really only useful if you have more lives than the other person.
Donkey Kong suicide, such a win.
If I recall, it was possible to throw the person after a short fall and double jump back onto the stage.
that chart on top was really hard to follow
ReplyHahhahaha Marth is a ridiculously unfair character in Melee. That's why I love playing as him.
ReplyRoy is so much better than marth. Now in brawl, its a different story, marth is easily one of the cheapest
nintendo's soul calibur knock off
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesdude, its nothing like soul caliber in any way other than being a fighting game
Such a tekken knock off
No it isn't. You know what's a knock off? Band Hero......knocked off of rock BAND and guitar HERO. You would think they could make it less obvious.
And which came out first?
Didn't the original come out first? Besides, not really comparable, soul calibur only ever had one player per game not original to the soul calibur series.
I would pwn you all as Clippy.
ReplyI call Wong.
I commented on this before realizing that I had posted the comment. Fail on my part.
I agree with everything here but the character flow chart. Peach kicks ass. I'm not kidding. You just have to practice for a few minutes, and after you figure her out, she dodges damn near everything, hits hard, brings up damage fast, and is a b***h to keep off stage.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYeah, Peach is just plain annoying if you play her right, and in Smash Bros. annoying characters come out on top for some reason. The epitomy of this is Kirby.
I think she's just a bitch.
Peach and Kirby are only eclipsed by Pit. I hate him something fierce... He is banned in every tournament I have ever played.
That was great. Unfortunately really the only way you could get that chart at the top was if you played the game and tried every character. And I don't think Ike was in Brawl... (?)
ReplyYeah, Ike was in brawl. When was the last time you played?
you guys -.- it was meant for comedy purposes , it's just a freakin joke why do you take it so seriously?
This is as inaccurate as it gets.
Reply Hide All See All 9 Replies1: Jiggly is actually tournament level playable, plus I'm good enough that I can pwn my friends with it just to humiliate them a bit.
2: Ice Climbers are also tournament level (they weren't up until people found out how to separate and control them individually), though they do have low power and are only deadly in the hands of a master.
3:Marth is not as good as Ike, both in Smash Bros. and Fire Emblem. IKE IS A f*****g GOD.
4: "If you get the hammer, you win." That's what you say when you don't know how to knock the hammer off, not to mention that it can kill you in moving stages due to the no-jumping thing.
5: Snake is fun to play as, but Sonic is actually stornger in all aspects.
6: Captain Falcon is fast in motion, but his attacks waiting periods can be detrimental against experts.
The bes revision of the flow chart: continues as normal with one exception: flip the arrows for "do you want to win," and on the "yes" side, put Ike.
It is rare for me to go a whole page on Cracked without laughing. Congratulations on maintaining my straight face.
Can your ego play another character by itself?
You are a huge nerd. I agreed with the list they made, and I play with my friends on occasion. Why don't you go to one of these tournaments and not come back to Cracked.
@Robert=King, that's becuase I haven't finished my Ultimate Training. Though I AM planning a tournament. And yes, I will win.
@Windsquid No, but my dick can.
this guy is not representative of all us smash tournament players >_>
but yeah brawl sucks melees too good
Haha. Tourneyfag thinks he's good at Brawl.
@tech XDDDD trollfag thinks anyone cares that he's trolling.
Why do you keep coming back to this Cracked article to check up on your comment, have you no life?
Marth totally crushes ike in brawl. Speed is the key, and ike is just too slow. Although in fire emblem i agree with you, he is a freaking hulk ninja
Anyone who starts off a rant in a comment section with 'tournament' and uses Ike is probably a scrub
What they could have done is added character costumes. Like Wario can switch between his two suits, Mario could have put on his docter clothes. Most characters share similar skins with other characters.
ReplySonic/Shadow
Snake/Big Boss
Meta Knight/Giga Knight
I could keep going, but I'll stop right there.