Hot Dogs

A hot dog is a wiener inside a bun. Not that difficult, right?

Know your hot dogs.

Just The Facts

  1. The sausage itself can be traced all the way back to 9 B.C., when it was mentioned in Homer's Oddysey.
  2. The hot dog has its own month (July), which probably means you'll have something to blame your obesity on after the summer.
  3. The term "wiener" originated in Vienna, Austria. See guys? Arnold isn't the only decent thing to come out of Austria.

Cracked on Hot Dogs

Usually considered a summer food eaten at those uncomfortable summer picnics with your creepy Uncle Fred, hot dogs can be garnished with several delicious condiments (listed below).The wiener or sausage itself can vary in taste from normal to insanely spicy. They are usually made with all the parts of [insert your acceptably-edible animal of choice here] that were rejected on the conveyor belt, but don't let that minor detail get in the way of you and your beloved meal. The hot dog can also be called a frankfurter, frank, weenie, dog, and red hot. But no matter what other name your rose is given, it still smells just as fucking delicious.

Condiments (or Hot Dog Performance Enhancers)

Ketchup

A classic topping. Red and tomatoey, sweet and somewhat tangy, one cannot deny its power over the wiener. For an especially fun picnic experience, squirt in on yourself and walk towards an easily-frightened family member while pretending to scream in agony. We guarantee that hilarity will ensue.

Mustard

This yellow condiment is another classic amongst many hot dog eaters. Fun fact: Dijon mixed with some honey makes a fantastic honey mustard sauce, perfect for dipping your grandma's fingers chicken fingers into.

Mayonnaise

This thick mix of oil, egg yolks, vinegar, and salt can bring an interesting taste to your hot dog. It can also make your hair shiny. If you're going to add mayonnaise to your hot dog though, don't use the mayonnaise in your hair. That's just gross.

Relish

Deliciously sweet or sweetly delicious (or just plain vomit-inducing, if you're not into that kind of thing), this pickled chopped-cucumber mix is not-so-gently toppled over your wiener and waiting to be devoured.

Cheese

Served in many shapes, forms, and textures, the cheese, usually combined with a helpful serving of chili, will quickly melt on top to make your hot dog a tasty and stretchy delight. No, the thick gunk between your toes does not count as cheese.

Chili

Chunky and meaty, it's the perfect excuse for making it look like your food exploded in front of you.

Onions (usually grilled)

They're famous for making you cry tears of utter shame. Now that they're nice and grilled, enjoy every chewy bite, and cry tears of joy. Whether you're ashamed of them or not, that's up to you.

Bacon

Because bacon makes everything better.

Bell Peppers

Slice them, dice them, chop them up into little bits. Grilling them is also a nice touch. A little less traditional than most of the ingredients here, it gives your hot dog a little more color, and is probably healthier for you. Oh wait, what's that? You say concern for your health makes you look like a pussy? Then by all means, skip the bell peppers and add more bacon!

Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

At one of the only times where eating glutonnously is actually an accepted practice, the Nathan's hot dog chain holds a yearly contest every Fourth of July to see who can stuff themselves with the largest amount of hot dogs. As of 2009, Joey "Jaws" Chestnut maintains his title with a world record of 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes, beating Japan's Takeru Kobayashi.

Pictured: Small intestine (probably) bursting

World's Longest Hot Dog

According to the Guinness World Records, the current record for longest hot dog is 114.32 m (or 375 ft. for the non-metric-system folk), set in Monterrey, Mexico by meat-products producer Empacadora Ponderosa. No word yet on whether it gave anyone a horrible case of the runs.

Though that guy behind the chef looks a bit worried.

Other Ways to Eat a Hot Dog

Corn Dog

This usually consists of a hot dog wiener on a stick that has been dipped in batter and fried in hot oil. The result is absolute heaven. The same cannot be said about your corn-shaped canine.

Pigs in a Blanket

Though the idea of little piglets in warm little teddy bear blankets may sound cute, the reality is a lot more sinister...deliciously sinister. Wieners are cut in half, and each half is wrapped with a piece of dough used for making croissants. They are put in the oven until the dough is golden brown, making little croissant dogs.

Veggie Dogs

As you look at the picture above, you might be asking, "Hey, isn't that just a regular hot dog? Are you trying to bamboozle me, Cracked?" Or maybe not, and we just like to use the word bamboozle. But if you did, well you couldn't be more wrong. Cleverly disguised as real hot dogs, they are made with non-meat substances. When consumed by regular meat-eaters, some taste buds may cry in anguish, while others may appreciate how close it comes to actually tasting like a real hot dog.