Jack White

Jack White is a famous indie rock guitarist, if such things exist. He's been in pretty much every band somehow, and he's most known for his work in the two-piece band The White Stripes.

Just The Facts

  1. He's a guitarist. And a drummer. And a singer. Fuck it, if it makes noise he can play it.
  2. He reached fame playing in the band The White Stripes.
  3. If you've ever heard music, you've probably heard something Jack had a hand in.

Cracked on Jack White

Born in Detroit, Jack White gained tremendous success playing in The White Stripes with his sister wife ex-wife Meg White. While he was growing up, his classmates listened to music like techno while he was off being awesome and listening to stuff like blues. Which really just makes him another person that's smarter than the adolescent population of Detroit.

Jack was originally going to be a priest (no shit) but decided that being a rock star would get him so much more pussy. In doing this, he inadvertently (and ironically) became a messiah through the power of his rock.

The Sound of Jack White

Jack White is able to amplify a guitar, squeal out some feedback for 2-3 minutes, maybe hit a note or two, and somehow it sounds like beautiful music. There are 3 main components to Jack White's distinct sound:

Since The White Stripes lack a bassist, White figured he'd make up for this by going in the complete opposite direction. Somehow this really fucking worked and he's been pulling it off ever since.

Fake bass
Realizing that constant feedback can be somewhat bad for ears (which many people use to enjoy music), White decided to try using fake bass in his music. He does this with his Digitech Whammy Pedal, or his "holy-shit-he's-playing-guitar-and-bass-at-the-same-time" pedal, as you may know it. Really, it's just dropping his notes down a couple octaves, but damn it just sounds so much cooler to say he plays guitar and bass simultaneously.

Dog whistle solos
White eventually got bored with fake bass, and feedback can be somewhat hard to control. So since he already had his magic pedal, decided to crank it in the opposite direction. And the Jack White solo was born. By cranking his solos up a couple of octaves, White ensured that his music would be heard and appreciated by dogs everywhere.

Jack White's Bands

Jack White, while being disgustingly awesome on his own, has decided that he'll make some other people look good, too. He's done this through forming bands which get popular for the sole reason that they have Jack White in them.

The White Stripes

Hell, it's even got Jack's name in it. While it's true that the drummer's name also has White in it, she's mainly there because she has boobs, which make a great metronome. The story behind The White Stripes is that Jack and Meg are brother and sister. Apparently though, they were married and then divorced. It's way too confusing for us, so we just focus on Meg's tits. The White Stripes are classified by their kickass blues-y garage rock sound.


The Raconteurs

Jack White finally got in on a real band with like, bass and shit. And woah, is he wearing earth tones? Weird. This band still pretty much kicks ass though, despite the fact that Jack White looks like a weird combination of Mick Jagger and Dwight Schrute from The Office.

The Dead Weather

Jack White co-founded this band when he realized he needed more bitches to kiss his pimp ring. Here White plays drums, guitar, and sings. That's like having Jesus come down from Heaven, bake you cookies, and give you a handjob while you ate them. The music is just as weird and awesome as anything we'd expect from Mr. White.

"Let's do it again, but with more awesome."