Nazis

Nazis were a bunch of serious assholes who caused everyone a lot of trouble in the 30's and early 40s.

Funny, I always thought DAP was Dicks'a'Plenty

Just The Facts

  1. Nazi is an abbreviation of "Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei".
  2. The Nazis were responsible for one of the most egregious genocides in history.
  3. Nazis never called themselves Nazis, usually referring to themselves as just "National Socialists".
  4. You can use Nazis to tie your Shoesies.

So what were these guys all about?

Nazism wasn't necessarily a new idea, but rather a combination of various ideologies and philosophies which centered around nationalism, anti-communism, traditionalism and the importance of the ethnostate. By the way, "importance of the ethnostate" is Germglish for "industrial strength douchey racism". In addition to their basic political ideology, Nazis hated the scheisse out of Jews. Much of the Nazi animosity towards the Jews stemmed from their belief that the Treaty of Versailles was the result of a Jewish/Communist ruse to humiliate Germany.


These people are dangerous! Just look at him PLOTTING!

The most notable Nazi in history, Adolf Hitler, joined the party in 1919. Though his 1926 publication "Mein Kampf" is often viewed as the essential guide to Nazi dogma, Nazi beliefs were really first established and announced long before. Hitler was merely chosen as a spokesman due to his incredible oratory abilities, silly mustache, and granny pants.


I'll show you my oral abilities for 10 Reichmarks, if you get my drift...

However, due to the inability of the other fore-runners of the Nazi Party to decide on a universal ideology, Nazism is usually associated with Hitler's personal views. Thus, most tenants of Nazism identify the following as the core beliefs of the Party.

  1. A militaristic hierarchy in the civilian world is a social necessity.
  2. Judeo-Bolshevism is the enemy of the State.
  3. Germany, and those of the German Race, deserve Lebensraum (living space).
  4. Unity, discipline, and self-sacrifice are essential to the survival of the race and party.

Why were they so bad?

If the Nazis had stopped at the "being total ideological assholes" phase, I doubt many people would care about them. I mean, the world is stuffed with those who are total pricks but are easily ignored.


When Toby Keith is the least ridiculous looking person in your party, it's time to rethink your life.

What the Nazis did, however, is take action. Rather than just silently fuming about how much everybody who isn't them sucks, they started to pull some pretty non-politically correct shit.


Paul McCartney capitalized on the horrors of the holocaust

When Hitler was elected chancellor of Germany in 1933, and subsequently became dictator, things started to look pretty bad for the Jews, Gypsies, and homosexuals of Germany. Though the anti-Jewish actions were rather subdued for a few years, things exploded in 1938. On November 9th, the "Kristallnacht" began (Night of the Broken Glass). Kristallnacht was triggered by the assassination of German diplomat Ernst vom Rath by Herschel Grynszpan, a German-born Polish Jew. In a coordinated SS, SA, and Gestapo attack on Jewish people and their property, 91 Jews were murdered and 25,000 to 30,000 were arrested and deported to concentration camps. More than 200 synagogues were destroyed and thousands of homes and businesses were ransacked, and Steven Spielberg was given 7 Oscars. Things went downhill from there- the Nazis tried to take over Europe, killing thousands of civilians in the crossfire, and sent Bolsheviks, Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, the disabled, and other hated minorities to death and labour camps, where over 11 million died over the course of 6 years. This is an example of hardcore, Criss Angelic douchebaggery here, and is the primary reason that the word "Nazi" bears a stigma of more negative connotation than "ass rapist".


Criss Angel Ass Rapist

The good news: the original Nazis are all gone now. The idea of a unified Nazi world left Hitler's head moments before the bullet did, but, for some reason, idiots out there still insist on pushing the cause.

Influence

Being some of the worst people in recorded history, Nazis have had a heavy influence on music, culture, and the internet. "Nazi" today is a term used to describe somebody overly harsh, strict, or of differing opinion.


I'll call him a Nazi! That'll shut him up!

Sadly, Goth musicians and fans seem to find Nazism to be a pretty hip trend, so they emulate the fashion of the Nazis in as many ways as they can. Granted, the Nazis DID look pretty cool, but come on, acne-ridden angst-plagued teen- is that the message you really want to send?


Sieg Heil versus Seek Help

Nazis have also infected the culture of everyday, sane people. It's hard to go a few days without hearing somebody called a Nazi, or seeing a Swastika drawn onto something by some "rebel", or seeing your skinhead neighbor "Hitler salute" passing cars on certain historically appropriate days. In fact, the Neo-Nazi "skinhead" movement today is one of the worst modern after affects of Nazi rule. With websites like Stormfront, Finalsolution88, and Aryan Wear plaguing our internet, and assholes like Hal Turner and the girls from Prussian Blue infecting our sanity, Nazism is still clearly existent. However, these Nazis tend to completely ignore original Nazi doctrine (hard work for the better of the people, and racism) in favor of their own perception of Nazism (welfare and racism).


Oh come on, this guy isn't even white anymore.

In recent years, the reach of the Reichsadler has extended to the web: Youtube commenters love to add 14/88 to their posts, and worship the Hitler they know nothing about. People try to sound intellectual by non-conformingly defending Hitler and his actions. Basically, a bunch of retards shielded by anonymity spout unceasing torrents of horseshit, trying to sound intellectual or cool, because we all know Nazism is hardcore.


Oh man, what a fatbadass.

However, this internet worship of the Nazis is a two-sided coin. Those who recognize the Nazis as the inquantifiably douchey cumquats that they were like to use "Nazi" as a sort of trump card in internet debates. This trend led to the general acceptance of Godwin's Law, which states, "As an internet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1." Examples of this law in action are annoyingly ubiquitous. For such examples, frequent Youtube, any gamer forum, or even the Cracked forums.


Suck my fat one, you cheap dime-store Nazi

For more Nazi influence in our times, check out Third Reich to Fortune 500: Five Popular Brands the Nazis Gave Us

Fashion

Remember earlier, when I said "Granted, the Nazis DID look pretty cool"? Of course you do. Though the Nazis were little more than coagulated bricks of soulless excrement, they did look pretty damn sharp. Just like in the movies, the bad guys just happen to look way cooler than the good guys.


The good guys.


The bad guys.

Black is just a cool color. Combine black, slick military uniforms with the Vader-esque helmets and tall jackboots, and you've got a recipe for sexy. Unfortunately, due to the actions of the wearers, these uniforms are now a bit uncool to wear around. A shame, because I'm sure wearing these to a party would just be the epitome of class.


Quite a faux pas, as it turns out.

Notable Nazis


Adolf Hitler, "father" of the Nazi Party and Fuehrer of Germany from 1933 to 1945. Poorly endowed.


Joseph Goebbels, Reich Minister of Propaganda from 1933 to 1945, and Fuehrer
for one day. Hitler's right-hand-man.


Heinrich Himmler, political leader of the SS and Gestapo, and pilot of the Holocaust. Pioneered the "Evil Nazi Doctor" archetype.


Hermann Goering, tubby leader of the Luftwaffe (air force) and trusted advisor to Hitler.


Heinrich Mueller, commander of the Gestapo.


Adolf Eichmann, director of Jewish transportation to camps; Chief Douche.