God Almighty

Our Father, which art in heaven. Badass be thy name.

It's quite simple really

Just The Facts

  1. According to theologists God is powerful, but also insecure, like Barbara Streisand before James Brolin.
  2. God Handpicked the Jews to be 'his chosen people' and they've been thanking him ever since.
  3. God loves a decent political thriller.

God's works

Although often accused of being a self - aggrandizing diva, one cannot deny that his creative output is both diverse and prodigious. His eclectic tastes have lead his critics to call him a 'Jack of all trades and master of none. (except boobs, they're pretty darn perfect.)' In fact some have argued that the human boob is proof of God's existance.

Some of Gods works are more perfect than others

Cracked interviews God.


Cracked: So Lord, nice to have you here. Did you have a nice flight?

GOD: Yes I had the Kosher meal it was very nice.

Cracked: Lets cut to the chase. What is your opinion on religion?

GOD: Hehe! Well I never thought it would take off the way it did...

Cracked: What about all the suffering and war caused by conflicting beliefs?

GOD: Well its a question of personal interpretation, I mean uh, after I put something out there it kind of belongs to the people. You know?

Cracked: But doesn't it annoy you when people get it wrong?

GOD: Well its subjective, You know? All in the eye of the beholder. I cant say 'This passage in the Bible means this or that' because of ...Well that commandment or verse might be someone's favorite! I mean dude, it's up to you to take it and run with it!

Cracked: You mentioned the Bible there, How do you feel about Holy Books now?

GOD: Well, you know Biographers...

Cracked: Are you upset with your portrayal in The Bible and Koran?

GOD: Let me just say that the calibre or writer 5 thousand years ago was not what it is now. If I was going to do it again I'd have someone like Clive Cussler do it, that man can keep you turning pages! Also, I'd hold onto the copyright.

Cracked: Are you often misquoted?

GOD: Tell me about it! A couple of centuries ago some kid thought I'd told her to lead the French army! All I'd asked her for were some French fries! But thats what I get for sending St. John on an errand, you wouldn't believe the amount of mistakes in his gospel, deaf bastard.

Cracked: Do you feel hurt that people blame you for things that go wrong in the world?

GOD: Well all I can say is, build yourself a planet with a self aware species on it and see how you do. I mean at least I did somthing with my life y' know?

Cracked: What about the allegations concerning the twin cities of Sodom and...

GOD: (facepalms) Jesus Christ! This thing just wont die. Look, I warned them not to build their cities right on top of a fucking volcano ok? I've said it before and I'll say it again...It had nothing to do with me.

Cracked: Any comment on the flood?

GOD: Oh, that was me, I won't deny it. I mean I could put up with a lot of crap from you people, war, murder the tower of Babel...But giants walking the earth willy nilly? That shit had to stop.

Cracked: There are some people who don't believe you exist at all...

GOD: No Problem, Not everyone's a fan. I have a great fan base and I really appreciate it.

Cracked: Why do bad things happen to good people?

GOD: What people forget is that bad things happen to bad people too...I'm actually quite good at that.

Cracked: What's the deal with the platypus?

GOD: Hehe! Yeah, I get a lot of questions about that. The truth is I'd created Alcohol earlier that day and...Well lets just say 'don't drink and create' I created the hangover to remind myself not to do it again.

Cracked: What is your view on Fundamentalism?

GOD: If you want to take the words of the ancient's equivalent of a tabloid journo seriously, I wont stop you. There are always a few fans who take it too far, stalking me, slandering me in public, spreading lies, one of them even declared a war in my name!

Cracked: Jesus!

GOD: I'm really very proud of the little guy, he's an idealist you know? He's a little disappointed at the response he got but I think his heart was in the right place.

Cracked: What about Buddha?

GOD: Oh man! He throws the best parties! No one knows how to chill like Buddha y'know what I'm saying? We had tea the other week,he's on tour with his band 'Budda and the place of infinite peace ' at the moment, so I haven't seen him in a while.

Cracked: Lucifer...

GOD: *Rolls eyes*. There's one in every family.

Cracked: Hell yeah you should meet our cousin Frank.

GOD: I love Frank!

Cracked : Yeah but everyone else thinks he's an Asshole.

GOD: *laughs*

Cracked: So what are your plans for the future?

GOD: I was thinking of re-arranging the universe

Cracked: Oh?

GOD: Yes I think it could use more dark matter, I'd prefer it to be oval...I like ovals..or maybe teardrop shaped... Like a human breast.