The Best Rock Drummers

Can you bang a stick on the ground? That means you are an apt candidate to be a "drummer." Wars have been fought over who is the best drummer of all time. Take Vietnam for example. But what makes a good drummer? Let's find out...

1 and uh... 2 and uh...

Just The Facts

  1. Drums is considered to be the 'coolest' instrument within a Rock band, but it's also the sweatiest.
  2. Drummers continue to flame each other over who is the bestest drumber ever.
  3. Apparently there are only 87 drummers actually left in the wild due to mass killings at the hands of bass players.
  4. Drummers require 5 essential traits to be truly cool: A bandana, a moustache, an epic (fail) gurning face, the ability to consume their own weight and super-shred fastness.

Drumbs: Then & Now

One day a caveman or something banged a thing against another thing, and drums was invented. Millennia passed by and during Victorian times, biscuits were invented. So were biscuit tins. Drummers everywhere opted to use said tins as drumbs due to they're logistic advantages, delicate intonation and they got to eat loads of biscuits before they could play. The 20th century brought around the creation of 'Rock' Music, which brought along with it the galaxy's biggest ever "Grower vs. Shower" contest between drumbers.

According to this list there are enough rock drumbers to fill up a Top 100 list of them. A brief glance will show you that most of them are basping. Here's the lowdown on (controversially speaking) some of the best drumbers EVAR!!!

Ringo Starr

Pictured: Ringo Starr during his "Mid-80's-Anthropomorphic-Steam-Engine" phase.

If memory serves, Starr was a member of The Buggles; a late Seventies New-Wave outfit. Starr is also a famed nose enthusiast and the voice of a train. He is credited with being a pioneering drumber that insisted on having a lead role within the band. He also invented the "Doots, Gatts, Doots Doots, Gatts" drum beat that inspired Charlie Manson.

Drummer Rating:
Bandana: No - 0
'Tache: Yes - 1
Gurn: No - 0
Drink-ability: Meh, probably... - 0.5
Fastness: No - 0

Overall Score: 1.5 / 5

John Bonham

This is what being deep in the JuJu looks like.

John Bonham was a Sasquatch / Human Hybrid and Uber Drum Shred Lord. He is also considered by many as being one of the 'Great Old Ones' from H.P. Lovecraft lore, so don't diss him; he's bezzy mates with Cthulhu. His drums were so massive that his bass drum was approximately the same diameter as Jupiter's moon 'Io.' Which means it was proper loud. He formed a band with a number of other "Great Old Ones" and formed Led Zeppelin. He invented the "Irridabah!" - a linear drum principal where no two limbs strike a drum at the same time. Or something, it was so fast nobody could tell.

Drummer Evaluation:
Bandana: Hell Yes - 1
'Tache: again, Hell Yes - 1
Gurn: Mm-Hm - 1
Drink-ability: Absolutely - 1
Fastness: Correct - 1

Overall Score: 5 / 5

Neil Peart

Bender.

Neil Peart is the drummer for pretentious Progressive Rock jizzlords 'Rush.' His name translated into German is roughly "Schadenfreude"; the often unexpected delight you get from the suffering / embarressment of another. His drum kit is considered to be the size of an emerging African nation and his biggest fan is a cheese-snorting cartoon tiger off of that douche-ass Family Guy episode. He has contributed nothing to substantial rock drumming, but Rush fans are the musical equivalent of religious fanatics: and will nail bomb your balls for criticizing the wankest band ever.

Drummer Evaluation:
Bandana: Check - 1
'Tache: Check (occasionally) - 1
Gurn: Check - 1
Drink-abilty: No - 0
Fastness: Check - 1

Over Score: 4 / 5

Keith Moon

"Oi! Don't Touch My Spacehopper!"

Moon was the drummer for Mod rock operatics 'The Whom.' He was a very influencial figure within Rock for popularising the destruction of TV's, as opposed to the watching of TV's. He also drove a car into a pool or something rockstarish like that. He invented the usage of exploding your bass drums with fireworks and was an exponencial figure in promoting gurning while playing drums.

Drummer Evaluation:
Bandana: No - 0
'Tache: No - 0
Gurn: Are You Kidding? - 1
Drink-abilty: Yah... - 1
Fastness: Check - 1

Overall Score: 3 / 5

Lars Ulrich

"You... Shall... Not... Pass."

Ulrich plays drums fast for Thrash / Country metal band 'Metallica.' It's definately the most metal band name EVAR due to the fact that it's got the word 'metal' in the name. See what they did there? Ulrich infamously spent the beginning of the decade battling the Internet, as if it were the Balrog of Morgoth. Ulrichs playing style is stylised by hitting cymbals seemingly at random and standing up (for a rest?) at any given point. He is also an infamous drum gurner.

Drummer Evaluation:
Bandana: No, Headband? Yes - 0.5
'Tache: Meh, a lil pubey one - 0.5
Gurn: Absolutely - 1
Drink-ability: He's a member of 'Alcoholica'... - 1
Fastness: Yes - 1

Overall Score - 4 / 5

Paradiddles?

There we have it, John Bonham is the super-shreddingest drummer of all time. Other drummers of note that belong on a list of this magnitude include Animal from The Muppet Show. By no means is this list definative; drummers will no doubt continue to hold bi-annual headbutting competitions to try and solve this riddle. After all, there are new drummers being born every day. It's where the phrase "one born every minute" comes from...