Excessive Grunters At The Gym


He's a screamer.

Just The Facts

  1. It is advised that while lifting, you should inhale when you are relaxing the target muscles and exhale when contracting them.
  2. Some lifters take that to mean they should suck all the air in the room into their lungs through pursed lips and then scream bloody murder.
  3. Hey guys that do that, it's annoying as hell.

Cracked on Excessive Grunting

We here at Cracked like to keep ourselves in peek physical condition, so that the hordes of girls whom we impress with our incredible wit will be equally impressed by our incredible stature. This requires that we go to the gym at least once a month, sometimes as much as five times. And it's almost guaranteed that when we are there, so is the excessive grunter.

You've all probably met him, too. He's the guy with the buzz cut, wearing the muscle shirt and weight training gloves. Very rarely is this person a weakling, but he definitely lacks the physique required to acceptably yell when lifting weight, or wear fucking weight training gloves. In other words, he's a total douche.

He lifts just enough weight to be considered strong, but there's no way he needs to be doing what he's doing. His two hundred pound bench press hardly merits a "EVERYBODY LOOK AT HOW MUCH I'M BENCHING" scream. Sometimes he'll count between reps, making a rhythm that everybody within a block's radius can hear. Inhale, "UNNNNNHHH!!!!", "One!" Inhale, "HRRRRRNRNNNNH!!!!" "TWO!" We get it. You're bench pressing a substantial amount. Yes the girls on the treadmill are looking, no they aren't impressed.

What's worse is that these guys travel in pairs, so that whenever one is lifting and making noises that sound like an animal in the wild, the other is spotting and yelling absurdities (or obscenities) to 'encourage' his friend. So it's a mix of blood curdling screams and "Come on, bro! You got this, push it you pussy! COME ON, YOU GOT THIS, ONE MORE, IF YOU DON'T DO ONE MORE I'M GONNA FUCK YOUR SISTER, COME ON, GO, GO, GO, YOU'RE SO STRONG. PUSH THE GAY AWAY WITH THOSE BULGING PECS!" And then they proceed to make out with each other, finally realizing what everybody knew all along.

But seriously, there is very little that can take you out of your lift than these dumb apes trying to act like they're showcasing the most impressive athleticism since Michael Jordan. But there is one excessive grunter that can not only annoy you, but can make you feel more uncomfortable than a puritan in a porno shop: The Moaner.

The Moaner is a specific form of Excessive Grunter, one whose apparent goal is to not only let people realize he's there, but make them incredibly horny as well. He won't so much scream or grunt as he will emit sexual noises that make is sound like he's humping the dumbbell. Seriously, the first thing every singe person does when they hear this is check his pants to see if he has a raging hard on. It sounds like he's climaxing with every single rep in his workout. "Unnnnnnnnhhhh, one.... Ooohhhhhhhh, two... Ohyeahthatfeelssogood, three..." Nobody is lifting weights anymore, they're all heads-turned to check out the sideshow. Except the girls, who have left. Unless she's a rare Female Moaner. At this point, everybody else has hard ons and is trying to conspicuously hide it.

"This is so an ab workout... Just leave me alone for a second, okay?!"

Then there are the Female Screamers. But we usually just refer to them as "Lesbians."

So who is allowed to grunt?

This guy.

Because he can lift up a fucking Buick.