Rick Pitino

Was once a God in the State of Kentucky, then traded that in to be a failure in Boston, which he traded to be a God in Louisville, Ky, which he traded to be a douchebag laughing stock of the people.

Seabiscuit, Col. Sanders, Rick Pitino, Abe Lincoln as featured on Kentucky's Mount Rushmore Before One of Them Was Replaced By

Just The Facts

  1. Pitino is the only Men's Basketball coach to lead three different schools to the Final Four (Providence, Kentucky, and Louisville).
  2. Pitino's UK teams won the National championship in 1996, was runner-ups in 1997, and Tubby Smith led the mostly Pitino-recruited1998 UK team to the National Championship.
  3. Pitino likes a bit on the side and is willing to throw money at any problem to make it go away.

Cracked On Rick Pitino

The Sports World is full of star that have fallen from grace: Barry Bonds, Mark Mcgwire, half of the guys in The Tour de France, most of Major League Baseball. But none of those guys made living as a pillar of character in the Bible Belt then had a secret affair and tried to pay for an abortion to hide it all. This would have probably flown under the radar in a place like Boston, where Pitino unsuccessfully got paid millions to tell people who made tens of millions a year what to do (aka "coaching in the NBA"). But in a state like Kentucky, this is pretty much public suicide.

fun time had by all

University of Louisville Season Ticket Holders

None of this would have mattered if Pitino wasn't renown for his character. Pitino was dedicated to helping the less fortunate; he even funded a large homeless shelter on the other side of Kentucky named for his late son. He was very close to one of the states leading Catholic priests, and had become a noted motivational speaker and author. His book about the shock of losing a brother-in law in the 9/11 attacks was a touching memoir about how faith will help get you through the darkest times. He must have left out the chapter about consoling yourself with mistresses who later claim you raped them.

The University of Kentucky Years: Rebuilding a Once-Great Tradition

College basketball in Kentucky is a bit like high school football in Texas, that is to say it's a bit like Islam in Iran. It's kind of a big deal. So when the University of Kentucky was placed on probation in the early 90's it was like the entire state had just been kicked in the nuts. So when the school hired a hot-shot young coach from the Northeast everyone was a little excited and yes, everyone passed on rumors he was tied to the mob (according to Kentuckians, everyone from the Northeast is in the mob). Fortunately a NCAA mandated media blackout meant nobody could watch the team play the remaining years of their probation, which included losses of scholarships and a 50-point loss to Kansas. But when the ban was lifted the team was full of scrappy Kentucky boys who played with a whole lot of heart and earned the name "The Unforgettables." That team captured the hearts of the state like nothing else and to reward them the voters in Kentucky made the semi-literate Ritchie Farmer the state Agricultural Commissioner (years later) and a leading contender for Governor in 2011. This is of course coming from a state where The Dukes of Hazard is kind of a role model for realtions with police.

The Duke-Kentucky Elite 8 game.

If you were to travel to Kentucky one day, under no circumstance should you refer to that game. The game in which "The Unforgetables" lost to Duke 104-103 in what most call "The Greatest Game in the History of Basketball" but what Kentuckians call "The worst crock of shit game ever because it was clear Christian Laettner should have had his ass thrown out of the game for stomping on (UK player) Timberlake." This has since became the official State Anthem of Kentucky also. The fact that Laetner later admitted it was on purpose has only made it that much more of burning pain in the ass of the state of Kentucky.

Rick Pitino coached that team but was long gone to chase the big NBA cash by the time the 1998 Cats got revenge on Duke by coming back from 18 down to advance to the Final Four on their way to the 98 title. Meanwhile Rick Pitino was coaching one of the worst teams in the NBA.

Back to College, or Pissing Off Those That Once Love You

So when the Boston Celtics caught on that Pitino wasn't made for coaching in the NBA and Pitino figured out that things were nicer in college for himself, his family, and his sexual tendencies, he looked around for another job in the NCAA. The University of Las Vegas was looking for a new coach but Vegas isn't the sort of town where you settle down, raise a family, and keep a mistress on the side. So instead Pitino decided to piss on his fanbase by signing on to coach the University of Kentucky's greatest rival: The University of Louisville. Apparently the Duke job wasn't open. Also, the guy that owns Papa John's Pizza (based out of Louisville) had promised Pitino free use of his private jet. That sort of thing allows one to keep different hoes in different area codes as the old rap song goes.

"Screw You Faithful Worshippers, I'ma Going to Louisville."

A Pain in the Side of Kentucky

Under Rick Pitino, Louisville basketball was reborn and the rivalry was notched up a few levels. In his first game back at Rupp Arena, Pitino shocked and disappointed the UK faithful who were lined up and ready to boo him when he came out of the locker room with his team to start the game. But Pitino outfoxed them, since he, you know, was familiar with the stadium and he made a different path to the stadium. No truth to the rumor he also sodomized the Wildcat Mascot as far as we can tell. The fact that Pitino had a winning record against Kentucky was more of a metaphorical sodomization then anything else. As for the sneaking onto the court incident, it was the second greatest trick ever played on University of Kentucky fans, the first being the way many dozens were tricked into buying UK Football season tickets.

The Blackmail

In 2009 the FBI was spending a lot of time in Kentucky. However, they weren't there to chase the largest Meth producing population per capita in the country. Nor were they there to investigate the gross misappropriation of funds by the Kentucky Association of Counties, which was spending quasi-government funds on strippers (greatest office spending account ever!). Nope, the FBI wasn't there to make life better for all Kentuckians, they were there to protect Rick Pitino who was being blackmailed by a former lover named Karen Sypher. Sypher was trying to extort 10 Million dollars from Pitino and was claiming he had raped her on two occasions. The fact that she later married his best friend and the friend took Pitino's side made the story a bit, well, crazy delicious. When the friend, Karen's husband, took Pitino's side of the story it seemed like it would all just go away.

Except then it was shown that Pitino had an affair with Sypher while his best friend kept watch at a restaurant in Louisville. We're hoping it was a KFC (insert finger-licking good joke here). That friend later married Sypher which is what we call the greatest wingman ever. Oh, and Pitino gave her $3,000 for an abortion but later claimed it was just so she could get health insurance. If only more millionaires were so nice about providing health insurance for the poor then we wouldn't need a national health care plan (but we would need more abortion clinics).

The Actual Accuser: (Wonder What Pitino Saw in Her?)

Lessons for Blackmailers

As we saw in the David Letterman blackmail attempt, there are some basic things you should just know before you attempt to blackmail someone. So we here at Cracked.com present some pointers:

1) Don't be greedy! You shouldn't ask for more money then a husband can hide from his wife. Seriously, how was Pitino going to explain a missing $10 Million? If you asked for half a million you'd be set and able to come back again at some point in the future and do it all again. Don't be so greedy when you're trying to steal from people.

2) Don't think people are affraid of the world finding out they have had affairs. Seriously, if David Letterman still has a tv show, Rick Pitino still has a coaching job, Bill Clinton was still President, and Kobe Bryant is still married, how in the hell do you think you're going to blackmail someone over affairs?

Okay, that's pretty much it.