Children are tiny versions of yourself or other people you also detest.

Just The Facts

  1. Children are the most narcissitic form of self-praise currently available
  2. It will cost roughly $10,000 a year to maintain this bundle of joy
  3. Children can get away with nearly anything because they are apparently adorable

Naming Children

The naming of the child is frequently considered the most important part of the child bearing process. It is believed in many cultures that the name of the child will determine the path that person will take for the rest of their lives. In America this belief system is thrown completely out the window for a more common system which involves a 50/50 concontion of vowel mashing and bat-shit insanity.

Behold Moxie Crimefighter, she is clearly destined to replace Batman

The trend of naming babies using the aforementioned combination is hardly newly developed methodology. The idea was first crafted almost 50 years ago in a political and intellectual dark age that many refer to as the 60's. The 60's were a time so dark they were even passed up for a sitcom starring Ashton Kutcher and bypassed for many reasons. Mainly because there are many people in show business that were unfortunate products of the time and are thus named "Sky" or "Moonchild." If I had to guess, they're probably filled to the brim with spite.

Surprisingly deadset on ruining your lives.

Raising Children Part I: Toddlers

For a more complete guide on this stage of parenting from the fine writers here at see Cracked Topics: Babies.


Children in this stage of their development are often susceptible to various weaknesses and attributes that do not frequently assail older generations. The most prevelant of these symptoms is sleepiness.

Dreaming of taking your place in society...

Infants and toddlers typically sleep upwards of 16 hours a day. Many intelligent science-type people will tell you that this is because their metabolic rate is unbelievably higher than our own and they are in a stage of heightened growth. But being the online comedy writer than I am, I have made the following correlation. Male lions sleep 16-20 hours a day, babies sleep 16-20 hours a day. Male lions will rip your face off with a single swipe of their man-sized paw, babies....? You see where this is headed.


When they are not sleeping toddlers can often be seen being being adorable, muttering in hilarious and cute ways, or making your life and the lives of everyone around you an unholy and intolerable hell.

"I'm adorable and cuddly!!!!"

Toddlers and infants are known, without reason, to suddenly burst into tears and begin shrieking as if their toe nails are being ripped from their wittle footsie wootsies. This does not entirely tell you what can be done to cessate their rampage, it does however, lend itself to one of a few solutions.

  1. You are expected to feed me and perhaps even assist in mastication
  2. You are expected to allow me to urinate on you while I giggle
  3. You are expected to wipe my shit covered buttocks whilst still pronouncing to random strangers how cute it is.


This is the most important part of this particular stage of adolescent development. The mind is literally a sponge during the years and this is the easiest time to develop your progeny into the perfectly loyal minion army that you originally bred them for.

Prepare for your destruction, followed by naps!

Of course, your eldest or most powerful will be the commander of this elite toddler force and thus the education you provide them is paramount to the success of the master plan.

It's the law that this picture appear once in an article about Children.

Once this educational process has been completed your babies, like so many pokemon before them, will evolve into an even cuter and even more useful form...but all that much harder to train.

Raising Children Part II: Pre-Teens

The most useful time during a child's life to their parents is during the pre-teen years. During these times children become so vastly cute the simple act of showing them to other people will aid any cause that you may have at the time.

You are now bending to my adorable will.

Your child will also be useful to you at this point because of the innumberable things that are considered completely tolerable when done by a small child.


During the Pre-Teen years your child will be completely capable of taking nearly anything he/she wants without any consequences. Even if the child is caught redhanded the punishment is typically giving the item in question back to its lawful owner and a comically brief lesson on the moral imperative to not steal.

The slap on the wrist idea doesn't apply as well to armed robbery

Brutal Honesty:

Another great attribute you can expect from your young child is brutal honesty. The wonderful thing about this is not only can you quietly chuckle to yourself as your child berrates everyone in your immediate vicinity, you can even direct your child's honest tongue simply by placing them in the presence of people you detest. The applications of this wonderful attribute are nearly endless.

Flock Children! Flock to Dane Cook!

Attraction of the Finer Sex:

A child's most powerful asset is their cuteness. This is applicable to nearly anyone but gains extra power when applied against women. Not only can children attract women, but they can openly grope them in public and it is seen simply as being cute because of their young age.

If you were a kid you could be on the other side of this computer screen, with boobs...

Children are the only people capable of this wonderful task. Who else could possibly get away with such blatant violations of personal space, sexual boundaries, and almost every social stigma in the book?

Oh yeah, other women...

Raising Children Part III: Teenagers

Sadly you're child will eventually become a teenager. This is an age of needless rebellion and hormonal inconsistency. Many years ago this meant your child would become reckless and begin tricking out Detroit muscle cars and go racing around places with names like "Dead Man's Curve" and wear fantastic leather jackets.

This is no longer the case, in the 21st century a child reaching their teens means they will slowly undergo a metamorphasis from something that was once loveable and even enjoyable to be around, into this...

That's right, if you don't stop them. Teens will become vampires from Twilight

Or even worse your teen may become this...

The MySpace Whore is among the most terrifying varieties of Teen

Luckily this age typically only lasts about a decade and if you manage to survive while simultaneously resisting the urge to utilize the very popular "9MM Reset Button" manufactured by the fine people at Beretta, then these strange creatures will turn into adults and eventually replace you in society rendering you completely obselete.

And they do all this for just under $10,000 a year!