George Foreman Grill
The George Foreman Grill is the Chuck Norris of kitchen appliances.
Just The Facts
- The George Foreman Grill is a lean, mean, fat-reducing grilling machine.
- It has sold nearly 100,000,000 grills since its debut.
- Everything tastes better with grill marks. (see Fig. 1)
Cultural Importance
See George. See George sell. Sell, George, SELL!
The George Foreman Grill is an electric grill endorsed by former boxing champion George Foreman, who you may remember from his renowned career selling grills. With its retard-proof, dorm-friendly technology, the Foreman grill played an important role in human evolution by relegating one of man's previous inventions -- fire -- completely obsolete. This liberated humankind from drooling, hunchbacked neanderthal to stately, upright consumer of finely grill-marked foods.
No one knows where the George Foreman Grill came from, or how it works. Foremost scientific opinion in this area suggests that it was forged in the fires of Mount Doom, the only place the grill can be destroyed.
One grill to rule them all.
Fig. 1: Grill Marks
Conclusion: The number of grill marks present in any meal is directly proportional to the magnitude of flavorgasm you can expect to experience during consumption. Grill marks provide 100% of your daily deliciousness and are high in awesome. It is therefore in your best interest to eat more grill marks. GRILL MARKS!
Features
The George Foreman Grill is the only kitchen appliance you will ever need (ever) by virtue of its many unique features not available on conventional grills. They include:
Exterior: The shiny, smooth dome of the George Foreman Grill is modeled after George Foreman's signature head-style.
Foreman Grill today
Foreman Grill prototype c. 1970
Non-stick surface: The non-stick grilling plates eliminate the need for oil, butter or other fatty lubricants, one of the grill's trademark health features that should be disregarded at all costs. For safety reasons, Cracked recommends coating the upper and lower plates liberally with cheese and lubricating all fatties properly before use.
Sloped angle: The gentle slope of the grill "knocks out the fat" like Big George does his boxing opponents, which we presume means battering the fat unconscious until it oozes limply out of the cheese-coated grill onto the canvas. After a count of ten, it's cool to drizzle the fat back onto whatever you're cooking.
The sloped angle of the grill also makes it exceedingly difficult to cook any kind of round food. Paninis? Easy. Vegetables? Naturally. Sausages and hot dogs? Have fun picking them up off the floor.
Spatula: Foreman grills come with two plastic spatulas that you will lose or melt within the first week of ownership.
Drip Tray: Currently, Foreman grills come with drip trays to catch the fat as it is pummeled out of unsuspecting food. However, we prefer the advanced fat-drainage system envisioned by Futurama.
"With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth."
Knockin' Out the Fat
The Foreman Grill's patented design "Knocks Out the Fat" like Ali knocked out... uh, nevermind... allowing it to slide easily out of the grill and onto your kitchen counter or floor. (Admit it, you lost the drip tray even quicker than those flimsy, ridiculous spatulas.)
Ironically, this is what the grill does to fat.
This trademarked boxing reference is the tenuous thread of logic that links a heavyweight champion boxer with this wavy electric griddle. If Hulk Hogan had endorsed the grill, as he has claimed he could have, the grill would either Atomic Leg Drop the fat, or lecture the fat about eating its vitamins after injecting HGH in the dressing room.
For whatever reason, that didn't happen, and the current slogan has spawned a web TV show, "Knock Out The Fat with George." On the show, contenders vie to lose the most weight on a Foreman-grilled diet. We presume they accomplish this by eating the many healthy foods that the official Foreman Grill product selector features, like pizza, waffles, bacon and steak.
After you lose the grease catcher the grill comes with, you have to scoot the grill to the edge of the sink and let the grease run down the drain instead of allover the counter. And its a m**********r to clean if you use Barbq sauce. And you have to keep the cat out of the sink until the grease cools or that gets ugly too.
Replynothing about how if you have any ground beef on there the lack of fat in it after cooking makes the burger f*****g AWESOME to whip at your room mate since it explodes into tiny beef fragments? no? balls.
Replythe george forman grill saved my life.
ReplyThe george foreman grill cured my uncurable diseae
The George Foreman grill gave me cancer. :( Still, makes a damn good burger.
Excellent topic. I liked how everything was taken on the terms of actual ownership and not the infomercials.
Replysurprised they didn't mention that Hulk Hogan was originally contacted to endorse the grill.
Reply"If Hulk Hogan had endorsed the grill, as he has claimed he could have, the grill would either Atomic Leg Drop the fat, or lecture the fat about eating its vitamins after injecting HGH in the dressing room."
One of the funniest topic pages on here!!
Replylol at the possibilty of grilling an iphone.
ReplyI tip my hat to you, sir, for creating the first Cracked Topics page that doesn't make me immediately navigate to a different page all grumpily. Hilarious, well-informed, classy, and hilarious. The space shuttle in the graph is a brilliant touch.
ReplyTrue to the level of cracked articles
The GRILL IS AWESOME! I have 3 different types but here is the whole list http://www.georgeforemancooking.com/c-16-all.aspx
Replymy levels of awesomeness have skyrocketed from zero "Formans" (what i measure awesomeness in, but come on, how else can you measure it?) to a million bajillion Formans. This is directly proportionate to the number of grill marks which are on everything i eat, own, or even come into contact with now.
ReplyThank you George! (and Mount Doom for forging this wonderful grill)
The mount doom part was f***ing hilarious
ReplyI would have been first if I had commented before you!
ReplyWow. First.
Reply