Robert Pattinson

An English actor best known for destroying both vampires and his credibility as an actor forever through stalkeresque brooding, a drugged expression and CGI sweat.


Just The Facts

  1. His role model is Jack Nicholson. We can only hope he ages as well.
  2. His fansite currently has 5288 members. Other girls feel 'fan' is a derogatory term, and that their deep connection with Pattinson can't be explained in words.
  3. His elder sisters dressed him up as a girl and presented him as 'Claudia' up until he was 12. We suspect it was a 'A Boy Named Sue' type ploy, which appears to have backfired spectacularly.

Early Life

Robert Thomas Pattinson was born on the 13th of May 1986, when God got really crazy and thought he'd try making a English manga-style bishounen. He quickly realised that while 6'1", pasty, messy-haired men with English accents were a great idea in fiction, there was a reason that He hadn't allowed humans to design their own people for the last 6000 years. Taking cues from the Chinese, Pattinson's family disguised him as a girl until he was 12 in an attempt to pass this disturbingly feminine child off as a girl and thus avoid all of the awkward inquiries from strangers concerned for his health.


Pity his childhood sweetheart.


After graduating, he sought out jobs in acting, advertising and modeling.  Agents and advertisers were delighted when they discovered him.  They saw him as the embodiment of the the lonely, dark fantasies of the mentally underdeveloped female and homosexual masses, and thus used him to flog expensive underwear onto those who would never have a partner to appreciate it.


Like every other pretty fleshbag in his position, Pattinson soon grew tired of his life as a 3D clothes hanger and occasional hood ornament or drink holder, and sought to prove that he could speak whilst standing around and brooding. He had a few minor roles nobody really cares about in things nobody actually watched, before playing Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, thus establishing for himself a niche as an actor for roles as as two dimensional, pretty, perfect, dead guys.

In 2008 he took the role as 108 year old sparkly virgin 'vampire' Edward Cullen in the movie adaptation of the sadly successful softcore porn novel Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. Many were pleased by this casting choice, until they realised that those referring to 'that guy in Harry Potter' were not speaking of the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain.


Not Robert Pattinson.

Shame; he doesn't look doped up either.


Though he took this role initially with a mind to play a well-known literary character and establish a name as an actor, he soon realised that sacrificing his dignity, self-worth and privacy in order for a fast-track to fame probably wasn't the wisest of choices he could have made. Many girls have difficulty distinguishing between Pattinson and Cullen, resulting in him receiving letters from offering up their monthly flow as a snack if only he'd be so kind as to come and get it. Pattinson has sworn off women, and we believe it is only a matter of time before he attempts to rid the world of them for his own safety. Whilst we don't agree with his motives, sometimes the means justify the end.

Pattinson played gay Spanish painter Salvador Dali in the 2009 film Little Ashes, thus cementing him as a slashable commodity in the fanfiction community, despite his extremely disturbing mustache.  The thing looks like two fuzzy caterpillars retreating into his nostrils.


It's hypnotic.

Proving yet again that women have terrible taste when it's actually important, Glamour magazine voted him 'Sexiest Man Alive' 2009, despite his utter fear and loathing of his fans driving him to avoid showering in an attempt to drive them away. (He only succeeded in fuelling fantasies of him being a 'dirty boy'.)