Alcohol
How can something so bad be so good?
Just The Facts
- Alcohol can be called the social lubricant
- Alcohol is one of the 3 things regular people need to get laid (right after a nice car and lots of money)
- omhfg fkn imperes ur jdgment lululullululuuWWWWooOOOoO!11!111!
What's this all about?
Alcohol is a substance known for it's ability to let you make a complete ass of yourself in public, yet remain completely legal for those over the age limit (21 in the USA, 18 in the regular world). Although, when you "drink" you do not drink pure unadultured alcohol, because even if 0.4% of your blood is alcohol, you are in for some serious shit (i.e. death). In case you're wondering, what you're actually drinking when you drown your sorrows in Jack Daniels is Ethanol, which, get this, is cited by Wikipedia to be "one of the oldest recreational drugs known to man". Put that in your pipe and smoke it! (Don't actually do that please)
Did I mention you can light it on fire?!
So why are there over 9000 different bottles in my liquor store?
Because this is America! No well, it's because you can separate different types of alcohol into these categories based on flavoring, percentage of alcohol (also known as the "proof" (i.e. 80 proof = 40% alcohol, 150 proof = 75% alcohol, etc etc). Here I will list some of the more common/popular types of alcohol so you can decide which way you want to get hammered the best.
1.) Beer And Ale
Simply put, this is... well, beer and ale!
Beer is typically about 12 proof so about 6% alcohol, meaning you have to drink a lot of it to get drunk. You usually buy this sort of thing in 6/12 packs, and it comes in either bottles, cans, or kegs if you're a serious alcoholic (or are having a party). Beer is usually found in college bro(dorm)-rooms (frats), and in the hands of douchebags. There are many drinking games that involve beer such as Beer Pong (which some people take pathetically seriously).
2.) Vodka
Vodka is russian. All you need about the background is out of the way now. It is 40% alcohol, 80 proof, and tastes like nothing. Literally, the whole point of vodka is to extract as much flavor as possible, so when you pay $40 for an unflavored bottle, you should smack yourself on the head (with the bottle hopefully), and proceed to drink all of it while lighting it on fire. Vodka will get you extremely drunk in a short amount of time. Highly recommended.
3.) Rum
Pirates drink rum. It is basically the same as vodka but with actual flavor, but usually the same alcohol content. Usually found on deserted islands and in treasure chests. Arrg.
What Alcohol can do for you!
So woopdeedoo, you can get drunk. But what does that mean for you? What exactly are the benefits of getting completely, utterly wasted, stumbling around like an idiot, making an ass out of yourself, having the worst headache in the world the morning after and waking up next to the toilet?
I can summarize this in one picture.
Ok, 3
And this is only from the FIRST PAGE of google image search!
More information on this phenomenon.
Using the ever valuable resources of the internets, this information can be found about this topic.
If you drink too much, you're going to hate yourself for ever and ever and ever. Drinking too much alcohol leads to puking over your new jeans, convincing every female in the room that you are an idiot, and inevitably passing out in front of the bathroom.
This is going to be you
A great way to put it would be "Alcohol is the cause and solution to all of life's problems" There is not a single problem that cannot be overcome by getting hammered and waking up with nothing but your socks on.
Important people saying important things
“Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” - Winston Churchill, overall badass
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” - Frank Sinatra, actor dude
"Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly." - more Winston Churchi
"There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them." - Terry Pratchet
"A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk."
Also should be noted that under the intoxication of too much vodka, there are two very probable possibilities
Reply1- If you are fortunate enough to have a friend recognize your stumbling and incoherent ass, you may or may not end up in his hallway with a trash can in your face.
2- You may meet Bubba in the drunk tank...
Supposedly, Winston Churchill was confronted by a group of women. The women were upset at the amount of alcohol he consumed and said "If all the liquor you consumed were poured into this room, it would fill the room to here" and pointed to a spot on the wall.
ReplyChurchill then looked at the spot they pointed to, then looked at the ceiling, and said "So much to do, so little done."
Drink when you're anxious so that you don't drink when you're depressed.
ReplyIsn't Vodka Polish?
ReplyThere are Polish vodkas and there are Russian vodkas. The argument over which came first is why these two countries can't sit next too each other at U.N. meetings.
This article was neither funny nor correct. Good day. I SAY GOOD DAY!
Replyit may not be the answer, but it sure lands in the spot
ReplyAlcohol is one of the 3 things that regular people need to get laid? lol well I dont have a nice car or money..or good looks for that matter..at least i always have booze
ReplyTerry Prachett and Winston Churchill are legends
Replyyes yes they truly are
Praise the manlyness and badassery
http://www.morningsquirtz.com/alcohol_abuse.html
Replyhttp://www.morningsquirtz.com/lil_captain.html
Here are a couple comics sure to fill you with drunken laughter. On a side note we are allowing the alcohol abuse comic to be used by the London health department to get Brits off the sauce.
Yeah, because it would be possible to stop British people drinking. I'm currently trying to get my liver some time off from my first year at university, and in the last week I have drunk (that I can remember):
-homebrew mead, 3 bottles of (about 20% if you don't know what mead is)
-homebrew vodka/sake mix, 1 bottle
-beer, maybe about 15 large bottles
-cider, maybe 15 cans
-rum, 7 or 8 shots
-wine, a couple of bottles
I think that's pretty much it, but I think it's a pretty good gauntlet to lay down to the rest of the world considering this is me going easy on the drink. And I don't even like drinking that much, I'm quite a light drinker.
I'm pretty sure alcohol has to be over 100 proof to be flammable.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesFAIL! anything over 60 proof will burn,
nuh uhh
I'm going with 50% alcohol!
great article but could be longer also you missed the best(and worst thing about alcohol.... aguardiente and cocktails
ReplyIn the States you pay f*****g 40$ for a bottle of Vodka!? holy s**t ... we get this stuff 5 years early for a quarter of that price ... in the supermarket xD - Austria, among the top 3 countries in beer drinking ... we got f*****g rum with 80% ... so if you're planning on getting killed ...
Reply40$ is on the higher end of the vodka pricing spectrum. If you love being drunk enough to choke down something like McCormicks, Skol, or burnettes(which i find, is the best of the three), they can run for as low 15$
The drinking age for less alcoholic drinks in most the world is less even than 18. And for those want to sound like a real smart-ass about booze, add this quote; In Vino Veritas, translates to, in wine, there is truth.
Reply