Alcohol

How can something so bad be so good?

Just The Facts

  1. Alcohol can be called the social lubricant
  2. Alcohol is one of the 3 things regular people need to get laid (right after a nice car and lots of money)
  3. omhfg fkn imperes ur jdgment lululullululuuWWWWooOOOoO!11!111!

What's this all about?

Alcohol is a substance known for it's ability to let you make a complete ass of yourself in public, yet remain completely legal for those over the age limit (21 in the USA, 18 in the regular world). Although, when you "drink" you do not drink pure unadultured alcohol, because even if 0.4% of your blood is alcohol, you are in for some serious shit (i.e. death). In case you're wondering, what you're actually drinking when you drown your sorrows in Jack Daniels is Ethanol, which, get this, is cited by Wikipedia to be "one of the oldest recreational drugs known to man". Put that in your pipe and smoke it! (Don't actually do that please)

Did I mention that higher percentages of alcohol are FLAMMABLE?!

Did  I mention you can light it on fire?!

 

So why are there over 9000 different bottles in my liquor store?

Because this is America! No well, it's because you can separate different types of alcohol into these categories based on flavoring, percentage of alcohol (also known as the "proof" (i.e. 80 proof = 40% alcohol, 150 proof = 75% alcohol, etc etc). Here I will list some of the more common/popular types of alcohol so you can decide which way you want to get hammered the best.

 

1.) Beer And Ale

Simply put, this is... well, beer and ale!

Beer is typically about 12 proof so about 6% alcohol, meaning you have to drink a lot of it to get drunk. You usually buy this sort of thing in 6/12 packs, and it comes in either bottles, cans, or kegs if you're a serious alcoholic (or are having a party). Beer is usually found in college bro(dorm)-rooms (frats), and in the hands of douchebags. There are many drinking games that involve beer such as Beer Pong (which some people take pathetically seriously).

 

2.) Vodka

Vodka is russian. All you need about the background is out of the way now. It is 40% alcohol, 80 proof, and tastes like nothing. Literally, the whole point of vodka is to extract as much flavor as possible, so when you pay $40 for an unflavored bottle, you should smack yourself on the head (with the bottle hopefully), and proceed to drink all of it while lighting it on fire. Vodka will get you extremely drunk in a short amount of time. Highly recommended.

 

3.) Rum

Pirates drink rum. It is basically the same as vodka but with actual flavor, but usually the same alcohol content. Usually found on deserted islands and in treasure chests. Arrg.

 

What Alcohol can do for you!

So woopdeedoo, you can get drunk. But what does that mean for you? What exactly are the benefits of getting completely, utterly wasted, stumbling around like an idiot, making an ass out of yourself, having the worst headache in the world the morning after and waking up next to the toilet?

I can summarize this in one picture.

Ok, 3

And this is only from the FIRST PAGE of google image search!

More information on this phenomenon.

Using the ever valuable resources of the internets, this information can be found about this topic.

If you drink too much, you're going to hate yourself for ever and ever and ever. Drinking too much alcohol leads to puking over your new jeans, convincing every female in the room that you are an idiot, and inevitably passing out in front of the bathroom.

 

This is going to be you

A great way to put it would be "Alcohol is the cause and solution to all of life's problems" There is not a single problem that cannot be overcome by getting hammered and waking up with nothing but your socks on.

Important people saying important things

“Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” - Winston Churchill, overall badass

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” - Frank Sinatra, actor dude

"Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly." - more Winston Churchi

"There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them." - Terry Pratchet

"A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk."