Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is probably the most hit or miss holiday of the year. Like it or not, there are certain traditions you're going to have to navigate. Here's why you should choose wisely ...
The Food
Thanksgiving that wonderful Thursday each year when we gorge on food that we all love but for some reason only eat on Thanksgiving.
Turkey
Without turkey, there is no Thanksgiving. We don't care if you have to get that shit in a can, you need turkey.
Stuffing
A delicious mix of bread, vegetables and herbs, crammed up the hollowed out asshole of a large dead bird.
Cranberry Sauce
Some people make it from scratch, others like the lumpy stuff. Both look like bloody frog eggs. Nothing beats the thick, gelatinous mass of can-shapped love that is "jellied" cranberry sauce.
Biscuits/Rolls
Breads that make sure you can soak up any gravy not used for other foods. gravy should not go to waste, and nothing soaks it up better than bread loaded with butter.
Mashed Potatoes
Provides an edible bowl for butter and gravy. Pretty good in their own right, but absolutely necessary for gravy storage.
Gravy
Happiness flavored brown, makes even dry turkey delicious.
Green Beans
Required eating and they provide a nice splash of color. You must eat your beans or you don't get any pie.
Pie
Apple and/or Pumpkin pie are the perfect capper for the giant meal you just ate. They remind you why you have vague memories of trying not to vomit the year before, and ensures that if you do, it will taste sweet.
Turkey Alternatives
Okay, so some people can't have turkey, or for some ungodly reason don't like it. Then there are those who are morally opposed to eating an animal. Whatever their misguided reason, some people just don't eat a whole turkey, so here we will list some of the alternatives, which will be rated from 0 to 10 based on how good they are at replacing a turkey.
Ham
It's not turkey, but no one can badmouth pig. They are smart, but more importantly, tasty. No part of a pig doesn't taste good, and the ham is second only to bacon.
Substitution Rating: 7
Turkey Roast
With a subtle inversion of the words, the entire meaning is changed. A turkey roast is various turkey parts scraped together and pressed into a mass that vaguely resembles a pork roast, ergo, "Turkey Roast". It retains much of the awesome of turkey, so it is a suitable substitute.
Substitution Rating: 8
Roast Beef
It happens. Roast beef is good, but it just doesn't say "Thanksgiving" so much as it says "this almost sounds like soemthing from the Grinch movie", which puts it off by one holiday. It doesn't suffer to poor a rating because leftovers can be served on a sub roll with grilled onions and shitloads of cheese.
Substitution Rating: 5
Chicken
Seriously, a chicken? What the fuck? Go buy a turkey you cheap asshole. Hell, if it's "too much", they sell turkey breasts you can prepare the same way. Even KFC doesn't really count, unless a pack of wild bloodhouds ate your turkey. Then KFC is perfectly cool.
Substitution Rating: 3 or 10, depending on where the chicken is from and why you need it.
Tofurkey
Okay, let's be honest; if your beliefs require tofurkey, then it is time to seriously rethink them. Most people who would consider this monstrosity a okay alternative are likely to have a "Live naturally" bumper sticker on their hybrid and brush their teeth with organic baking soda. That said, there is nothing remotely natural looking about a grey lump of turkey shaped tofu stuffed with vegetables. Fuck tofurkey.
Substitution Rating: -4
Turducken
A turkey, stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken, stuffed with stuffing. Ho. Ly. SHIT. These things are the perfect storm of dead bird. Deep fry that fucker and God himself gives thanks.
Substitution Rating: 11
The True Love Roast
Its English, its actually for Christmas, and it makes the sheer awesomeness of the Turducken look like a clumsy fat kid in clown shoes.
The full article is linked below.
Thank you to Yowhound for bringing this to our attention.
This is what the site has for a caption for that image:
"1. Turkey, 2. Goose, 3. Barbary duck, 4. Guinea fowl, 5. Mallard, 6. Poussin, 7. Quail, 8. Partridge, 9. Pigeon squab, 10. Pheasant, 11. Chicken, 12. Aylesbury duck"
Just, God....
Yowhound's suggestion:
Substitution Rating: 1
We are inclined to agree. Good job Great Britain, way to earn that Great. And to prove Americans aren't alone inour love of excess.
Trying to be a hedonistic c**t one day a year plus waaaaay too much weed makes for one fine thanksgiving
ReplyTurducken is better when wrapped in bacon.
ReplyHmm, didn't turducken used to have an outer Camel on it?
ReplyI'm a vegetarian and I just ate a ton of sides. Haha.
ReplyIf a turducken gets a substitution rating of 11 and is amazing, how come the last item gets a 1, which would mean it's worse than everything but tofurkey as a substitution? Is it that hard to maintain consistency within one article?
ReplyI noticed they never specified whether higher or lower is better.
I THINK higher is supposed to be better, and I'd guess that the true love roast's ranking as 1 is supposed to mean "perfect."
Because if you manage to cook all that, a dozen VERY pissed off bird ghosts are showing up for Thanksgiving.
My family has turkey on thanksgiving and ham on Christmas. Thanksgiving we had sweet potatoes and macaroni casoral along with mashed potatoes and stuffing and other stuff.
ReplyThis is making me hungry again. Thanks alot cracked.
I made a goose last year for Christmas - the traditional holiday bird. It was delicious. That 20-bird monstrosity looks absolutely terrifying.
ReplyNot a fan of turkey... I find it bland and off-putting. By far the tastiest bird is the duck, which is god's cruel joke because they are also nature's most adorable bird.
ReplyAlthough I admit I've never eaten penguin.
I had oatmeal for dinner on Thanksgiving.
ReplyThat is depressing as shit.
I've had a Turducken before. It was delicious.
ReplyMy stomach threatened to cut itself out of me and find a more suitable host if I don't have the True Love Roast next year.
ReplyThanks - However, I am a nitpicking p***k, in the "Thanksgiving Turkey" graphic, there should be no apostrophe in "covered in it's own juices" nor in "taunting it's tortured spirit". Keep the one in "Dark meat: it's" but capitalize the I. Under Tofurkey, it should be "an", not "a okay alternative".
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAnd I totally had chicken for Thanksgiving and it rocked!
f**k apostrophes, this isnt a legal document its a comedy article, and chicken rocks but never ever on thanksgiving
i agree with both comments here. it's not a legal document, it's cracked, and THEREFORE requires more grammatical respect than that of the government.
i don't, however, agree with chicken. :P
You DON'T need to capitalize after a colon unless it's followed by direct speech, and if you're not American you don't capitalize at all.
I thought one of the qualifying conditions for being a nitpicking p***k is that you are actually correct. I guess you're just a prick.
turkeys are native to north america not europe. they would of had chickens or geese. or leg of lamb.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI do hope that you're only talking about the last one... :)
it's gooses, retard.
And why would we celebrate thanksgiving in Europe..?
Because you are owned by America and its corporations.
I almost went the medieval route this year. I bought a pack of drumsticks 'cuz I was only planning on cooking for two because the rest of the family was out of town... until they came back early Wednesday night. So we decided to chop the meat from the drumsticks and use it to make gumbo.
ReplyI didn't have turkey :/ I did grill steaks, burgers, chicken breasts and hot sausage though! f**k tradition!
ReplyZOMG...You are just like James Dean!
More like Jimmie Dean
"Seriously, a chicken? What the fuck? Go buy a turkey you cheap asshole"
Replymade me laugh haha. there were a couple typos but overall pretty funn
funny* now i feel embarrassed
Heh, here in Australia, an actual turkey will cost you at least forty bucks. Chickens are still $10. Oh wait, they don't even celebrate thanksgiving in Oz. :( One of the few things I miss from America.
Canada is the same, (except thanksgiving is earlier) Was that bird flavored heart attack a real thing(the bird stuffed in a bird...? if yes, where can i buy it O.O
Replygoogle it...there's a website that ships it frozen...and precooked if you want....it's badass!!!
Maybe a coincidence but the UK's biggest Turkey producer (Bernard Matthews) died on Thanksgiving day. And before anyone asks ( as I was twice in the States) it is not a holiday in the UK.
ReplyLittle kids usually don't know that. I doubt anyone over 10 asked you that (at least, I hope no one did).
Hey, those of us from Michigan still derive some enjoyment from watching our Lions lose year after year. It's as much a tradition as any other part of Thanksgiving. Hell, it's what the rest of the league gives thanks for; one lucky quarterback/running back a year has a chance to put up some of the most impressive stats of his career on national TV. It's not good for us if the Lions somehow win, combined with the massive amount of turkey, gravy, and pie in our systems the resulting heart attack would kill us and everyone in a 10 foot radius.
ReplyIf a guy wants the MVP the best thing he can do is hope he's playing the Thanksgiving game. It's like a perfect recipe to stat-pad against us
I still remember making $100 off them when I predicted they'd lose every game in the season back in 2004 I think. Watching the Detroit Lions is kind of like the golf version of football. The worse they do, the more likely you are to win your bet.
no thanksgiving in australia, but for christmas we have a turkey, ham, chicken and seafood. awesome.
ReplyPrawns! (NOT SHRIMP)