DIY: Do It Yourself

D.I.Y. stands for Do It Yourself, Screw Half of It Totally, Buy Really Inexpensive Circular-saw, Kill Self (the S.H.I.T.B.R.I.C.K.S is silent. Even though it's most often screamed at the top of your lungs.)

Just The Facts

  1. Wife! Bring me my box o' tools! I shall solve these problems forthwith! I am MAN.
  2. Wife! Hold the end of this measuring tape! I need to check if it shows 8 inches correctly! IT DOES NOT!
  3. Wife! Please hold up this supporting wall while I run out and fetch a concrete lintel and some emergency cement!
  4. Wife! This so-called professional you have invited into our home is going to take our money and emasculate me!
  5. Wife?

Decorating

Decorating is the most common form of DIY. Normally kicked off by the frustrated nesting instinct of the wife, it usually results in the complete destruction of the room by the husband, and the disbanding of the marriage by the judge.


How could you paint the bathroom New White when you knew I wanted White Tie? How?!


Because they look the fucking same

Choosing the correct paint color is essential to tying the room together. However, for the uninitiated, the range of colors can be overwhelming. This is often compounded by the bizarre names companies give their paints, presumably in order to trick panicked men into buying sixteen different shades of white. Names like:


Mouse's Back


Elephant's Breath


Dead Salmon


Sticky Fingers

And colours are the easy bit. When you move into the realm of tools (you know, those things whose fault everything is,) prepare to be overwhelmed by the sheer multitude of the damn things. For example: What's the name of that thing you use to cut wood? Got it? Now, how many more types are there?

Wrong!

But you'll suck it up and buy those eighteen different types of wrench, because it is only with these myriad of tools that your creative side can be truly set free to wreak havoc on your home.

Before:

After:


Nearly every home owner tries decorating at some stage. The divorce rate is roughly 50%. Draw your own conclusions.

Electrical

There are three important things to keep in mind when working on electrical systems: One, it is absolutely integral to the running of your home. Two, safety always comes first: Make sure everything is shut off before beginning work. And three, your electrical system should, at all costs and at all times, be left entirely the fuck alone.

Unless, of course, you're just doing something simple like fixing a socket. That's easy - you just match up the colors, right? And hell, once you've mastered that, it's a quick jump to putting up new light fixtures. Just remember to flick the current off at the fuse box. And while you're at the fuse box, why not see if there are any spare circuit slots - you may as well rig up that porch light while you're at it and make that extension to the shed permanent. Shit, that's grade school stuff right there. We'll just flip open these schematics and...

Quit. Then we'll quit.

Structural

If you ever find yourself volunteering to do some domestic DIY, never, ever tell your housemates that what you're dealing with is "structural." Think of this word as the Devil's name: It must never be spoken aloud. If you do, we guarantee your project will be shut down quicker than you can say "but it doesn't sound like a supporting wall!"


That's how you tell, right?

But DIYers need to get things DONE. Not sit about deciding where the new plug sockets should go, or whether that piece of shit from Ikea is a desk or a fully functioning wooden jet-ski. You can't be scared to destroy a beam just because it might hold up the roof. That's cowards talk! Demolition is awesome, satisfying, and most importantly, it's fast! Every project begins with a first step, and your first step is a literal one, because you need to get a running start with this sledgehammer here...

And if something should (ha ha, "if") go wrong with your DIY project, just remember these key words when your significant other gets home and sees what you've done: "You're not seeing the big picture here!"

Well...it is a pretty big picture.