Dog The Bounty Hunter

Don't commit crime in Hawaii!

According to Wikipedia, staring at this picture for too long will cause you to shit your knickers.

Just The Facts

  1. Dog The Bounty Hunter first aired on national television in August 2003.
  2. In September 2003 all Hawaii police officers were placed on 90 days notice of redundancy, the government having realised there really was little to no reason for them to remain employed any more.
  3. If you commit a crime in Hawaii you have approximately 36 seconds to think about what you've done before you're in the back of an SUV being offered a cigarette by a half man-half wolf being and lectured on a meth addiction you didn't even know you had.
  4. In the show, Dog's side-kick is played by a completely CGI pair of breasts. It takes Andy Serkis and a 47 man special effects team 6 months to complete each episode.

The Big Bad Dog!

The premise of Dog The Bounty Hunter may seem quite odd to anyone living outside of the US, where police work is usually not outsourced to ex-prison inmates. But maybe it should be. Because Dog The Bounty Hunter is...awesome! So let's take a look why a show in which a man and his family waltz into Hawaiian ghettos and crack dens to apprehend their toughest criminals didn't end it's first and only episode with the phrase 'in memoriam'.

Why's It So God Damn Awesome?

Dog the Bounty Hunter is the story of Duane 'Dog' Chapman, owner of Hawaiian bail bonds firm Da Kine and his band of hardcore vigilantes (his wife and kids). We can only assume that Dog learned everything he knows about running a bail bonds firm from post-apocalyptic sci-fi movies due to the fact that everything he does is done completely in leather whilst smoking.

Escape From New York

Official 'Dog the Bounty Hunter' Training Video

The show usually (always) begins with Dog briefing his family on their target, and outlining his research into the subject. Whereas actual police research usually takes the form of detailed reports into the felon's background, his modus operandi and even the most basic of criminal profiles, Dog's research often consists of a black and white blurred picture of the outlaw, their name and a general guess of where they might be, give or take 10 miles. It isn't that Dog's preparation is poor - this really is all he needs to find anyone on the entire island of Hawaii.

Upon learning the felon's name, Dog and his band of merry men and women (it's his wife and kids...really!) head out on the mean streets of Hawaii to interrogate their meth addicted, loose lipped best friend. You may think we're referring to a specific episode here but we're not. This show highlights the previously unknown trend for every criminal in the entire state to befriend a meth addicted hobo who will happily sell out their buddy's exact location for half a cigarette.

You got that cigarette?

"My soul mate and best friend of 15 years? Yeah, he's just round back"

In fact, so much of this show is meth based that you would be forgiven for thinking that Dog dealt exclusively with crimes related to the drug. However, upon finding out that this is absolutely not true, we can only assume that every single crime ever to be committed in Hawaii is meth related. Even low key, early morning fender benders are due to the fact that the guy behind you has overslept and is nervous about turning up late to his first shift at the meth lab.

They all work here

"Another boring day in one of Hawaii's 3 million meth labs"

After learning of the felon's whereabouts from his ex-best friend, it's time for Dog and the family to go and apprehend the suspect. This is the part where the real police would extensively plan and brief out their attack to the already professionally trained officers. Dog of course doesn't have time for any of this death-prevention shit, taking only a couple of seconds out of his schedule to explain to his wife and children that they may be shot in the face some time in the next 40 minutes.

It's nigh on impossible to work out, if you tune in to an episode at this point, exactly what it is that the felon is being pursued for. Dog seems to have to same attitude towards multiple child rapists with sidelines in genocide as he does people who are slightly late on paying their electricity bill. Not to say he's particularly soft on child rapists with sidelines in genocide, but rather he really hates late-payers.

Pay your rent next time. Dick!

"I don't think we'll be seeing any more of 'Mr I Don't-Have-To-Pay-My-Parking-Fine' any time soon"

It's at this point that the fearless gang of bounty hunters (did I mention it's his wife and fucking kids???) find themselves outside the house of the felon, who probably now knows that Dog's right outside his house and is preparing to defend himself to the death (it's not that anyone's told him Dog's there, or he's even seen him. It's just that he's a criminal in Hawaii who is wanted by the police. They sort of come to expect it after a bit). With the house almost certainly containing an armed and dangerous meth addict, Dog now gathers the troops and briefs them on the exact dangers they may face, plans the precise formation of entry and ensures they have the correct equipment to...I'm joking of course, he just strolls right fucking in.

We're going in

"Ok son, you cuff the guy on the turret and I'll punch the tank"

And so one more dangerous meth addict is behind bars and Dog can go home and enjoy a well deserved relaxing bath. Well, he could do if his bath was large enough to accommodate his balls.