Primates
Our ancestors and cousins in the animal world. Deal with it.
Just The Facts
- Primates are some of the most advanced animals on Earth.
- The average ape can be taught things like tool use and sign language.
- The average human can't be taught that an ape isn't a fucking monkey.
Primates and you
The group of animals known as primates includes such awesome members as the baboon, gorilla, Ebola monkey [citation needed] and Angelina Jolie. That is right, every hot piece of ass you have ever fantasized about can trace her lineage back to animals that scratch their ass with twigs and eat termites. Kind of evens the playing field, doesn't it?
Humans Vs Other Primates
Congratulations, you are a human, the most advanced member of the most advanced order of life on earth. As humans, we beat the other primates on many levels; but let's skip the unimportant shit like owning Porsches and computers and move on to what we really care about:
Compared to all other species of primate, humans have (relatively) the largest junk, and the hugest hooters. Nice. NICE. Except for men who own step-side pickup trucks with any number greater than 150 in the name, and anyone who owns an American sports car. Science has found them to be universally deficient in the genital area.
Some people (Vegans) argue that the gentle apes are superior to humans because they don't commit acts of random violence, wars, or inhumanities to their children. Vegans don't watch National Geographic or the Discovery channel, because those fuckers kill and rape each other every chance they get, and even eat other apes babies. The next time some smart ass mentions how peaceful apes are, punch them in the mouth and tell them "I'm just being human."
Misconceptions about Primates
While monkeys and apes are primates, monkeys aren't apes and apes aren't monkeys. This is a relatively simple concept that is beyond the abilities of most humans to learn. A search on "monkey" on google image (moderate safe search, good God we cringe at what turning that off would produce) resulted in 5 pictures of apes, and one incredibly disturbing image of a native woman breast feeding a monkey.
Human's using Primates
Primates comprise a diverse group of incredibly smart, inventive creatures. They can form lasting relationships with people, built on mutual trust and love, and are capable of learning amazing things. These are all facts we as a species use to exploit them to their full potential:
As models:
As actors:
Childcare:
I will never get that woman-monkey image out of my head. Not without something high on the pH scale.
ReplyTennessee and Kentucky are not at all "west", and not particularly far "south".
Replybut they are rather "red" and particularly "neck"
... but they're NOT west. They're south of the Mason-Dixie, but they aren't the Deep South. Also, the pic used wasn't of Texans; the Fred Phelps Church of Ragetard is from KANSAS and everyone there hates them. Redneck is a subjective term, but geographically and culturally speaking, tennessee and Kentucky are different than Texas.
That last video there, anybody else catch a reminiscence of those old Vietnam films? (minus the cannibalization ;D) So human it's almost scary.
ReplyEww I hate chimps; they're so close to being human but they're not quite there and I don't like that for some reason. Also, I didn't appreciate your comments on people from the south, specifically Texans. I will leave it at that, good day sir *glove slap*.
Reply*shoot in the back at the beginning of duel*
*glove slap mom and sister*
You just go style'd
Cracked, you're hilarious, and I know you think that most of your readers are male, but really? Accepting that women are human is really that much of an issue for you?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI don't think that was their intention...at least I really hope it wasn't...
OK Ed, I am confused... How is stating that Women are the pinnacle of evolution having a hard time accepting they are human?
Don't worry attractive disqualifies most women (not sexist here, i don't call myself a sexy man )
Spelling and grammar issues hold this back.
ReplyI don't suppose the stereotype is really just vegans. Actually some of my favourite writers, like Roald Dahl for example, had the same misconception that animals were so romantically innocent they wouldn't ever harm their own kind. Strange, seeing that the evidence was already there. Which is a shame, because lots of kids must have grown up like me thinking we were are uniquely perverse until they found out we're just good old-fashioned reptilo-mammalian perverse. Anyway, I found a lot of the writing here funny as fuck; if you were only to tighten up your spelling and stuff, mate (which even CRACKED writers seem to do!), you'd be even grander. Cheers and out.
Replyits not only vertebrates, and only write such a long comment if its a joke because this is a comedy website and we don't want to have to read really, really long comments seeing as how that diminishes our Laughs Par Minute (LPM) with your serious and cynical comments. Please, go be cynical somewhere else.
And stop it with the long comments. ;)
P.S.: This is more of a general comment as I only read the first sentence. I'm sure your made in depth and insightful comments.
Um, Dahl was a victim of the general perception of his day. Or to put it another way, people were a different kind of stupid back then. This was when people still thought lemmings committed mass suicide off cliffs.
I'm vegan and I'm well aware of the fact that other animals are extremely violent. Most people including vegans are aware of this. I really don't understand the stereotype. Being vegan also doesn't necessarily mean the person prefers animals to people.
Replywith vegans it all depends on why you are vegan. If it's because you think it's a more moral decision than eating meat from tortured animals, whatever, it's your choice. However, you can't claim it's more healthy than a healthy diet including some meat (Chicken, fish, other lean meats) eaten in appropriate amounts.
It just ended, was expecting some kind of closing.
Replyyou can't f*****g spell.
Reply
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"and anyone who owns an American sports car."
ReplySo if I see a guy driving a Corvette and another guy driving a Ferrari the guy with the euro trash car has a bigger cock?
Yes.
So far, my experience dictates that this is not true. The guy in the corvette probably has a small wang, but every person I've seen driving a Ferrari was so feminine that the existence of their dick was nullified.
"very" well done? i miss the humor... ):
ReplyVERY well done!!
Reply