Our ancestors and cousins in the animal world. Deal with it.

Hot, hot women.

Just The Facts

  1. Primates are some of the most advanced animals on Earth.
  2. The average ape can be taught things like tool use and sign language.
  3. The average human can't be taught that an ape isn't a fucking monkey.

Primates and you

The group of animals known as primates includes such awesome members as the baboon, gorilla, Ebola monkey [citation needed] and Angelina Jolie. That is right, every hot piece of ass you have ever fantasized about can trace her lineage back to animals that scratch their ass with twigs and eat termites. Kind of evens the playing field, doesn't it?

Humans Vs Other Primates

Congratulations, you are a human, the most advanced member of the most advanced order of life on earth. As humans, we beat the other primates on many levels; but let's skip the unimportant shit like owning Porsches and computers and move on to what we really care about:

Compared to all other species of primate, humans have (relatively) the largest junk, and the hugest hooters. Nice. NICE. Except for men who own step-side pickup trucks with any number greater than 150 in the name, and anyone who owns an American sports car. Science has found them to be universally deficient in the genital area.

Some people (Vegans) argue that the gentle apes are superior to humans because they don't commit acts of random violence, wars, or inhumanities to their children. Vegans don't watch National Geographic or the Discovery channel, because those fuckers kill and rape each other every chance they get, and even eat other apes babies. The next time some smart ass mentions how peaceful apes are, punch them in the mouth and tell them "I'm just being human."

Misconceptions about Primates

While monkeys and apes are primates, monkeys aren't apes and apes aren't monkeys. This is a relatively simple concept that is beyond the abilities of most humans to learn. A search on "monkey" on google image (moderate safe search, good God we cringe at what turning that off would produce) resulted in 5 pictures of apes, and one incredibly disturbing image of a native woman breast feeding a monkey.

Human's using Primates

Primates comprise a diverse group of incredibly smart, inventive creatures. They can form lasting relationships with people, built on mutual trust and love, and are capable of learning amazing things. These are all facts we as a species use to exploit them to their full potential:

As models:

As actors: