Movie Reboots

It’s no secret that reboots suck. In the end you are still going to dish out your cold hard cash to rewatch the same shittier versions of old flicks. This makes you a filthy, dirty whore.

Poster for Superman Returns.

I thought looking like a dick is what got him beat up in the first place?

Just The Facts

  1. Reboots suck
  2. You are a filthy, dirty whore

Reboots Done Right

Batman Begins is awesome for two reasons. It gave us the Citizen Kane of nerd flicks, the Dark Knight. Secondly, it wiped all our memories of the abortion that was Batman Forever. The Goddamn Batman Begins was a re-imaging of the origin story and it was so badass and well done; it made the original Tim Burton version look comical. At least none of those two versions had nipples on the bat suit.

Star Trek did something a little different. For the sake of making shit up, lets call it a reboot-quel. It recognizes the original timeline and gives us old-man-Spock (geek-gasm), but at the same time gives us a fresh new look at the beginning of the Star Trek saga. This new timeline will give fans new ways to write gayer erotic fanfics.

Oh For Fucks Sake: Raping The Classics


Pink Panther
This was the movie that gave me that aforementioned cold sore.
Land of the Lost
Fuck you Will Ferrel. Fuck you. Just stop. Whale vagina.
Halloween
I honestly did not mind the Rob Zombie remake. However, I do have a problem with the sequel. Myers looks less the iconic slasher and more like some 'roided hobo. Won't be long until Myers has nipples on his outfit or sew eyebrows on the mask. Too soon to tell but I don't have much hope for the sequel. I can imagine the brain-feeze grandpa is going to have in the video store next year. "Whaaaa. Two Halloween 2's"
The Day The Earth Stood Still
Whoa.
Taking of the Pelham 1 2 3
Not bad, but a bit of a departure from the original and that's not always a bad thing. The premise of the subway hijacking remains but with 90 minutes of additional footage of John Travolta taking "free stress tests" and swearing that he's not gay but that he totally tripped, fell, and had his fall broken by the sweet tender lips of another man.
Almost every other horror film.

These are not the droids you are looking for: The Do-overs

Sometimes a movie doesn't do so hot. This could be for a multitude of reasons (they suck). In some weird instances of ass-mockery, they both acknowledge and ignore the original. This is the same kind of shit that could make the universe implode on itself. Don't cross the fucken streams!
Comic book movies are the worst offenders. Although Superman Returns, The Hulk and Punisher: Warzone were technically sequels, they were both recast and tried to take the franchise toward a new direction and kind of pretended that the previous movie never happened. Of the batch, to be fair, the Hulk sequel was actually badass and Punisher was the laugh out loud comedy of the year. Tell me you didn't laugh your ass off at the roof parkour sequence. I shit myself giggling and did not get up to wipe in fear of missing something else just as good. And if they are sequels why are they dropping the number 2 from the title? Hopefully other movies won't follow suit.
Superman Returns suffered from "All-the-good-shit-was-in-the-trailer syndrome". It's only redeeming quality was that it addressed the fact that yes- Superman tapped that ass mid-flight in Superman 1. Sadly the Richard Donner Cut did not have the legendary scene where Superman is just flying face up, above Metropolis, while Lois Lane rode him cowgirl position.
Come to think of it... sequels have gotten so bad, they resemble shitty remakes.
The Fast and The Furious (2001)
Undercover cop (Paul Walker) performs in illegal street races against rival (Vin Deisel) to take down the bad guys.
Fast & Furious (2009)
Undercover cop (Paul Walker) performs in illegal street races against rival (Vin Deisel) to take down the bad guys.
You see? Two totally different flicks.

Coming Attractions

In the 80's we had a sweet, magical film about a girl (Jennifer Grey) who meets boy (Patrick Swayze). In this delightful masterpiece the two have to overcome the social boundaries and express themselves and their feelings. Then the commies invade the good 'ol USA and its up to the local high school football team to fight back the Cobra onslaught!

WOLVERINES!!!

Red Dawn is an absolute classic. I wish it spawned more spin offs like The Goonies meet Hunt for Red October or Breakfast Club VS Rocky 4's Drago. The remake wants to use the idea behind Red Dawn but takes place in modern day and swaps out commies with Middle Eastern terrorists. The premise wouldn't work. These kid bastards nowadays would be too busy texting to notice their country being attacked. OMG LOL I CAN HAS KIDNAPPING ROFL!!!!!111!!!!!1!
This year I saw one of the most amazing horror movies I had ever seen. Let The Right One In is the non-lame version of Twilight. If you know someone who loves Twilight, and want to make her feel stupid- have her watch this movie. It'll be like having that dumbass buddy of yours try to show off his glittering hooptie while you hover in your Bond style jet pack. Wait, what? This year? They are remaking a movie that just came out across the pond? Sweet Jesus and baby Jesus is nothing sacred?