Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken; either saying something terrifying or swallowing a chile burp.

Just The Facts

  1. Currently has over 100 screen credits to his name, spanning from 1953 to the present, meaning Walken has not slept in over half a century.
  2. Walken is popularly rumored to have been considered for the role of Han Solo in the original Star Wars films which, had it occurred, would have legitimized Jedi as a real religion across the globe.
  3. In many cultures, Christopher Walken is the last thing you see before you die and/or orgasm.

Christopher Walken; either saying something terrifying or swallowing a chile burp.

Cracked on Christopher Walken

Not achieving mega-fame until he started producing upwards of a dozen films per year, Mr. Walken is generally known as one of Hollywood’s most prolific character actors and a man who is unfathomably frightening though the reason for said fear is often hard to verbalize.  Popular theories include something to do with his hair, eyes or unsettling speech patterns.


As the following examples indicate, any or all could be true:


Walken's hair has its own room in his luxurious Iowa mansion

This is Walken's real hair.



Please don't touch yourself while Mr. Walken is watching.

Actual screenshot of Walken watching you as you read this.



The Walken Effect

Walken is favored by hack comedians and amateurs in need of a quick and easy impression when Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone or Robert DeNiro have already failed.  This can be witnessed all over Youtube and a search for a Walken impression will net you over 300 god forsaken results.  Interetsingly, these viedos seem to indicate the impressionists may have never actually seen Christopher Walken before.





Like forced rectal exams, the impressions do not get better the more you experience them.

The Diversity of Walken

Much of Christopher Walken’s appeal comes from his ability to play such a diverse range of characters. 


Here is Walken being a creepy horseman



Here is Walken being a creepy angel



Here is Walken being a creepy Bond villain



Here is Walken being a creepy scientist



Here is Walken just being creepy



Here is Walken blowing your mind



Here is Walken building Optimus Prime


Walken Misfires

Unsurprisingly, when making dozens of media appearances per year, Walken is not always able to be on top of his game.  The result is the occasional performance that is somewhat substandard or shitastic, if you will.  Such performances are detailed in Luis Prada’s The 5 Most Pathetic Video Game Acting Performances and, more egregiously, in Ben Joseph’s The Top 5 Ripoffs of Christopher Walken Roles (by Walken Himself)  in which we learn that even Walken falls prey to doing bad impressions of himself from time to time.