Smoking Cigarettes

As Donald Rumsfeld said: "there are known unknowns." We don't know for certain that there is life after death or if God exists or if Carol Channing is really a man. What we do know for sure is that smoking is totally cool and has been for centuries.

16th century Aztec women smoking from tubes and talking shit about men.

17th century Persian girl uses a bong because her family doesn't own a 7/11 yet.

20th century actor asks someone named Sam for a replay and an ashtray.

Just The Facts

  1. Smoking predates Jesus.
  2. Despite rigorous anti-smoking campaigns people still smoke. Even President Obama!
  3. Being a smoker is cheaper than being a junkie and cigs are just as addictive as heroin. How cool is that?

Being A Smoker

There are many benefits to being a smoker...

Now that most public places are non-smoking, you're sure to make new friends outside during smoke breaks thus preventing loneliness.

Having a cigarette in your hand prevents excessive masturbation so you won't have any soreness down there.

Being a smoker always gives you an excuse to leave the room after sex allowing you to fart out any post-sex gas.

Cat-owning smokers can use the foil from cigarette packs as cat toys. Kitties love anything shiny!

Smoking means Richard (pictured above) is never without shiny cat toys.

Being A Former Smoker

Besides possibly lowering your risk of cancer, emphysema and heart problems, quitting is not recommended.

Quitting means you will gain between 20 and 100 pounds and although you may lose some of this weight you will never lose all of it and you will be a fatty forever. So when someone says "I quit smoking today" they're really saying "Today I made the conscious choice to become a big fat fuck."

When going "cold turkey" one may experience irritability, a diminished sex drive and suicidal thoughts.

When using prescription drugs to assist in smoking cessation one may experience irritability, a diminished sex drive and suicidal thoughts.

Nicotine patches cause skin rashes, vivid nightmares and heart palpitations.

Nicotine gum and lozenges have a pepper-like quality and often irritate the tongue. Plus they taste like anus.

Like the taste of anus? Suck on some nicotine lozenges!