Australia
Australia is a wonderful, beautiful island continent home to a peaceful, happy, and loving people... that Mother Nature hates so much she can taste stabbing.
Just The Facts
- Australia is the largest island nation in the world, straddling the border of the Pacific and Indian Ocean.
- It has a rich and exotic ecosystem supporting fantastic flora and fauna...all of which were unfortunately eaten by the monsters that live there.
- Its primary spoken language is screaming.
From the Abyss It Is Birthed
Back in the 1770s the British Empire discovered Australia and, after finding it generally unfit for human habitation, proceeded to send all of their criminals and generally unwanted peasants there...because basic human empathy was not to be invented until the year 1821.
After somehow managing to survive on Monster Island for over a century, it was considered only fair to grant the Australian citizens their freedom and on January 1st, 1901, Australia gained federation of its colonies, and The Commonwealth of Australia was born.
Things in Australia that Will Kill You
Everything. No, seriously: Everything.
First there's the wildlife: If something appears to be cute and harmless in Australia, then we promise you - it has only evolved that way to lure you close enough for the thousands of ravenous, prehensile blade-tongues to descended upon you.
Then there's the Geography: Consisting mostly of arid, dry desert, (populated by over 100 venomous species of snake,) the harsh local climate is peppered with small, livable areas presumably just to lull human beings into a false sense of security.
Ah, but the tropical beaches, you say! Surely the paradise on Earth that is the Australian beach makes up for an entire continent of biological weapons. And it's true: Australia is known for having some of the best beaches in the world...all you have to worry about are the Saltwater Crocs, Great White Sharks, poisonous Stonefish, or being stung by the Box Jellyfish: The deadliest and most painful sting of any Jellyfish species in the world.
Your best bet is just to stay in the city then, right? Enjoy the local culture; go visit the capital of Canberra, or visit beautiful Sydney and see the wonder of the Opera house. And that's totally safe: Just remember to wear protective clothing, stay in well travelled areas, always know the nearest path to a hospital, and just generally try not to exist - because Australia is also home to over 280 species of poisonous spider, including that aforementioned Sydney Funnel Web Spider. What, did you think it was just a name? No, it lives in cities, in garages, in tool sheds and houses - it even swims. IT FUCKING SWIMS.
Seriously: Everything in Australia evolved solely to kill everything else in Australia - and you show up with your soft, unarmored skin, tiny, rounded teeth, and ridiculously non-poisonous spit and expect a vacation?
You just walked into Mother Nature's Thunderdome, friend. And in this analogy, you're not Max; you're the dead retard.
Things in Australia that Will Not Kill You
....
Hugh Jackman seems nice.
Paloose earthworm fools, look it up.
ReplyHugh Jackman is about as nice a larakin as you get from out our way. He is the US Boy from Oz, after all. (Sorry, Todd dude from that s**t dancing show.) But as sissyfied as Jackman is, he was still America's choice to play Wolverine. Doesn't say much about US masculinity, by crikey.
ReplyJust as a heads up - level headed Australians don't actually speak like this muppet would have you believe.
I'm the one who takes spiders and puts them outside. My boyfriend cheers me on though and thanks me afterwards. He's afraid of spiders, but I'm afraid of sinkholes, so it's okay.
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ReplyAh sweet I get to be the first to down vote you
In the spirit of the thread, you might want to stay away from Australian military personnel...especially if they're serving on HMAS Success. Or at Duntroon.
I love my country so much ^_^ You learn to be tough here, I'm not scared of spiders or snakes or anything... Just don't come near me with a caterpillar :-P
ReplyI live in South Carolina and, after reading this, I keep expecting the Sydney Funnel Web Spider to crawl up my pants leg and castrate me with hatred...
ReplyDrop ears!
ReplyDear Gods, no!
Drop Bears
Those fuckers are nasty, trust me. It's ok though you can distract them with Vegemite sandwiches!
Great information. Too bad your default adjective is the f-bomb.
ReplyAre you new to the internet?
this is so intresting post to read it..
ReplyHahahaha. The Thylacine WAS all too real. But these days, it exists only in the imaginations of weirdos hell-bent on proving it's still out there. I should know: as a Tasmanian journalist, I've interviewed my fair share of them. The Tassie Tiger is dead folks. Just ask Willem Dafoe.
ReplyBeing Australian and knowing full well about most things that scare the s**t out of me, I made the incredibly stupid decision to read this article just before going to sleep. All this on the same day I was warned to keep a look out for king brown snakes at work. Just another day living in Australia
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Proceed with caution.
went to taronga zoo in sydney, and got to go in the enclosure with the koalas, one was awake so i started petting it, the keeper just about dive rolled on me "crikey, dont pet the ko'waalers mate, theyre vicious leettle buggers"
ReplyHe may have saved your eyeballs.
You also may want to get your hearing checked.
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ReplyThere are three kinds of animals in Australia-dangerous, extremely dangerous and sheep.
Reply[From a fanfic I once read]
Stolen from Pratchett anyway :)
/Some/ of the sheep.
Thankfully, Funnel Webs are slightly retarded (probably the cause of their hyper-aggression), so they can't actually climb anything like other spiders. You can defeat them like we have by having a small ledge in front of your door.
ReplyNo, they can climb. That they prefer not to is why they're normally found on the floor and not hanging off the wall like the humble huntsman spider. But they can climb man - from steps to walls, to up and out of the side of my pool once they've had enough to drink.
What, no mention of X? This list may be cool, but X has the most amount of Y, and the biggest Z. Not only will X kill you, it will F you the H up.
ReplyYes, people, we get it. You know one more dangerous critter to add.
And you all realize this list can't contain every single species that's dangerous and native to Australia.
I like this formula
Australia can only contain all the deadly critters by surrounding itself with vast amounts of water, and the only reason they all don't just teleport themselves across the ocean under your bed is because they are too busy murdering everything so they have room for themselves.
What no mention of the Irukandji jellyfish? The things in this article can kill you, but the Irukandji will make you WISH you were dead.
ReplyYeah so that would be the Box Jellyfish he mentioned, of which Irukandji are a type. Seriously it's like you people have never heard of Google. Too busy dodging drop bears?
Once you get past the sharks, snakes, spiders, salties and westies, Australia is a pushover.
ReplyI wonder what would happen if the honey badger was introduced to Australia.
ReplyAn Australian housefly would probably beat it up and that would be that.