High School

High School is divided into 4 seperate sections, or "years." These so-called "years" each form a layer of sediment on the desert wastland of your mind. For those of you who still can't grasp such concepts as "years" or "time" or "panda," then we've somehow found a way to break it down even more easily, year by year:

Freshmen are scum. There is no getting around that simple fact. When they enter High School, first-year students will be treated like something nasty and foreign wiped off of Dick Cheney's shoe. If you are becoming a Freshman, prepare yourself for a year of random humiliations, degredation, and physical violence. For those of you from a rough household, then Congratulations! It'll be just like home! for those of you who aren't you will be expected to carry books for older students, open doors for older students, and occasionally massage the feet and scalps of older students. Life is tough, and Freshmen must be tougher!

So you've survived being a Freshman. Whoop-de-doo. As everybody knows, there's only one thing to do after a year of harsh humiliation and brutality: return the favor to the new younger breed. Odds are that the greatest abusers of Freshmen will be their Sophmore peers who wish some sort of justice from an unloving Universe. Sophmores are equally miserable when they learn how easy they had it as a Freshman compared to their new level of work. So that's good new for younger students: a sleepy Sophmore, exhausted from nights of labor, is less likely to summon the energy to punch you!

Consider this the deep breath before the plunge. If you were a year younger even, you'd have laughed at the thought of the word "plunge." But as a Junior, you will spend all your time quivering in fear of the year to come...

Good Job! You surived the three tiers of Hell and emerged nearly unscathed! You can relax now, right? No, you fool! Now the work escelates to a level that you no longer sleep, eat rarely, and only take a breath every third or fourth minute. And that's without the added pressure of getting into college. Rejection hurts like a facial slap to the balls. And try explaining to your parents why you might be living with them for the next couple years...

 However depressing it may be, most of your time at High School will be spent on various "classes." These are designed to enlighten you to the mysteries of the Universe and open your mind to the wonders of knowledge. Without classes, High School would be...well, a lot less stressful. 

Languages

High School is famed for promoting you to learn four different languages: Spanish, Latin, French, and Douchebag. Of all of these, Latin is by far the most useless, considering that those who spoke it (the ANCIENT Romans) are either dead or safely locked away in the Vatican where they can't hurt you anymore. Spanish is useful for a variety of reasons (such as ordering tacos, ordering burritos, and swearing at your neighbor), and is spoken in several countries. French is useful for artsy types who dream of studying artsy stuff and some artsy college in France. Sufficient to say, many of these people will also  be fluent in Douchebag.

Science

Science covers a wide range of topics, from Astronomy to Biology to Physics to Geology. If it ends it "-ology," you'll most likely find it here. The typical science room will reek of formaldehyde and chaffed skin, much like your bedroom. Don't touch anything unless you want to suffer a horrible death by burning/suffocation/smothering/crushing/dissolving/uncomfortable touching. 

Math

E=MCTRYTOOHARDANDYOURMINDWILLEXPLODELIKEATHOUSANDBURNINGSUPERNOVAS

English

For some, it will be the easiest class. For others, it will be the hardest. You will read books with little to no relevance and scan them for details in hopes of finding a deeper picture and filling your life with meaning. A good example is class novel Ethan Frome. In it, Ethan is a sad, lonely man. Many hours will be spent analyzing how the sad and lonely landscape reflects his own sad misery.

History/Geography/Whateverthehell

This class suffer from schizophrenia. Are you trying to find George Washington on a map? Who knows? On the bright side, this class tends to have the best teacher.

Physical Education

Here, you will learn whether you are a Man or a Wimp. Expect dodgeball, volleyball, and general ball-related action.

 Recognize Your Cliques!

Socializing is by far the most important aspect of High School. It is here, not in class, that your fate will be decided. It is only a matter of time before you are divided into a small social group known as a "clique." Make sure you know each one well before you join!

Nerds

Nerds are the lowest rung of any social ladder, reminiscent of the "Untouchable" class in the Indian Caste System: any contact with nerds can result in their stench and pheromones bonding to your skin, alerting others to your doings. These guys love comic books, computers, and girls that are WAAAAAAY above their gene pool. But do not attack or enrage the nerd, for not only do they have the technological skills to ruin your life, but once they enter real life, they run things. Like, EVERYTHING.