Surfing is a timeless tradition used to shown manhood and a give girls a reason to make love to you like a fucking bull. Modern surfers can barely get on a long board. Us original surfers call them douche bags.


Douchebag. I see a resembalence.

Just The Facts

  1. Surfing was invented in Peru at about 1000 B.C.
  2. It was invented as a show of manhood, the best surfer was usually the tribal chieftain.
  3. Surfing now sucks because of wannabes.

Cracked on Surfers

I myself used to surf.

I started surfing as a lark. I lived by the beach in Santa Monica and had learned to body surf at Sorrento (Neenies - Famous Weenies) and State Beach.

I had just graduated from Samohi and was going to Santa Monica City College (1956).

A friend talked me into trying board surfing.

I borrowed a home made board from a girl friend's father who was a fireman. The board was a small balsa with a skeg that looked like a boomerang.

It was late afternoon when my friend and I arrived at Malibu. No one was in the water and the waves were tiny little lines breaking at the point.

I got the board out of the car and as I passed a car parked at the curb with it's doors open on the beach side, a voice came out of the darkness, "You can do it, boy".

I glanced in the direction of the voice and saw this big guy lounging in the back seat of this huge sedan. I was so self-conscious I just smiled and lowered my head and continued down the path to the beach. I found out later that the voice belonged to "King of Malibu".

I rubbed some paraffin on the deck of the board and walked into the water with it. I floated the board then tried to lay down on it. Oops!

Flipped right over!

I laughed at myself and how silly I must have looked. I kept trying until I got my sense of balance and started paddling out toward the waves. I don't remember if I caught any waves that first day but I did "pearl" a lot and lost the board on the rocks and learned how hard it is to walk on slippery barnacle covered rocks at low tide.

I kept at it but the borrowed board was really too small for me. I bought a used Velzy-Jacobs "Pig" and finally learned what it felt like to catch a wave and stand up.

It was so much fun and better than body surfing so I went surfing every chance I got.

At first I went for the fun of it but got hooked on the whole scene and started hanging out at Malibu where I met a bunch of great (and crazy) guys and girls.

I became a fairly good surfer and enjoyed the summer fun we all had together.

I remember those rare summer days when it got 6 - 8 ft., glassy and perfect shape.

The only problem with those days was that the word spread quickly and anyone with a board showed up at the beach. It got crowded and lots of people didn't know how to surf very well.

I was a regular at Malibu and when these kooks started taking off in front of me and didn't know how to turn they'd screw up every wave they tried to ride. Everyone got mad at these guys but they were so stupid they didn't care. They just kept getting in the way.

I vowed I'd never become one of those old farts that got in the way of other better surfers.

Pictured: An old fart getting in the way of a better politic

I surfed for 17 years and at 35 owned two 10 ft. boards. I lived in the Santa Monica Canyon and took my board down to State Beach one afternoon to ride a few small waves. While I was out, a kid paddled out nearby. I liked to knee paddle and was paddling to catch a little wave. The kid catches the same wave and rides toward me, cuts back and comes toward me again, all before I even stand up. By the time I get to my feet he's pulled out. He's riding a short board which has become the style. I stand up for a minute on my 10 ft. board then just fall over on my side into the shallow water and something clicks inside.

"That's it."

I've had my fun.

I prided myself for sticking with longboards when the trend shifted to little darts. I stuck to a slow smooth style and knee paddling.

I found myself mumbling things to younger more agile surfers like, "ya, I'd like to see what you're doing when you're 35".

I realized I was bitter about my own aging and how much surfing had changed over the years. It wasn't fun anymore. It got crowded. There were fights and too many people with bad attitudes.

I walked home and put my board away. One day I was out front when two young boys walked by. I said, "hey, you guys want some surfboards?" They looked at each other like "duh" and said, "Sure".

I gave them both my boards and never went surfing again.

Surfer Jokes

Reasons Why Surfboards Are Better Than the Opposite Sex...

Surfboards curves never sag.

Surfboards last longer.

Surfboards don't get pregnant.

You can ride a Surfboards any time of the month.

Surfboards don't have in-laws.

Surfboards don't care about how many other surfboards you have ridden.

Surfboards don't care about how many other surfboards you have.

Boats don't mind if you look at other surfboards, or if you buy surfboard magazines.

If you say bad things to your surfboard, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

You can ride a surfboard as long as you want and it won't get sore.

Surfboards don't care if you are late.

You don't have to take a shower before riding your surfboard.

You can't get diseases from a surfboard you don't know very well.

Famous last words from Surfers

  • What's the worst that could happen?
  • It doesn't look that big.
  • It's a little big for a beginner, but you'll do fine!
  • You catch this one, I'll be right behind you.
  • So this is how tow in surfing is done!
  • Let's both go, this wave is big enough for two people!
  • Let's see who can hold their breath the longest!
  • I'm a traditionalist, leashes are for wimps.
  • You mean you replace your leash every year?
  • Check this out, I'm gonna' take off fins first!
  • Let me have this wave, would you? My girlfriend is watching from the beach.
  • It's safe to sleep in the beach; just like the old days.

Things You Always Wanted to Say to Another Surfer

  • I want to send my condolences to your wife. Every woman makes a mistake now and then.
  • Thanks for wasting another wave. . . how many is that?
  • Yes, you got 500 waves with your big board. . . now maybe you should try a turn or something.
  • What were you thinking when you bought a board with five fins?
  • I saw you kook-out on that last wave- I'm just pretending like I didn't see it out of courtesy.

Why You're Late Coming Home

  • I tried to make it on time, but the interviews took longer than expected.

Before Paddling Out

  • Please don't let the reporters know I'm here. I hate when they follow me around.
  • Is that Matt Ambrose? I've gotta' move North, he's always bugging me for advice.
  • If I don't come back, you can have my dog.
  • Alert the media, I'll be at the Pier.

When Going for the Impossible Wave

  • Hey, watch this!
  • Banzai!
  • If I don't make it, you can have my lawn mower!
  • Why am I doing this?

After a Great Wipeout

  • Damn, I hate it when the seals grab your leash.
  • Please help me kill the witnesses.
  • Is it your first day too?
  • Did I at least get a 10 for artistic expression?
  • I knew I shouldn't have had group sex last night.

After a Good Wave

  • Now that I've shown you how, its your turn.
  • Please, no autographs in the line up.
  • Must of fired some 20 year old neurons.
  • Do you suppose I'll be able to do that again in my lifetime?
  • What happened there?
  • Sure glad I had my Viagra last night.
  • If someone got my picture, I'm quitting surfing while I'm ahead.

When the Surf is Horrible

Let me ask you. . . Why?

  • Is there a reason we're out here?
  • This is desperation surfing.
  • Is it still considered surfing when you don't catch any waves?
  • You know, golf sounds pretty good right now.
  • I left a wife and a warm bed for this?
  • Just shoot me and get it over with.