Great White Sharks

Sharks are bad ass fish, and the most bad ass of them all is the Great White Shark. Found lurking in Oceans and Steven Spielberg movies, Great White's have been around since prehistoric times. Most scientists believe they partied with Dinosaurs.

Just The Facts

  1. A great white shark wants to eat you right now, especially if you're made of chum.
  2. In actuality Great White's don't ever eat people. Sharks occasionally attack humans thinking they are a delicious seal, but always spit them out once they realize they've bitten into a tasteless human.
  3. When a Great White Shark is born it has probably already murdered and eaten most of its brothers and sisters in it's mothers uterus. All you did in there was punch your mom in the kidney, you jerk.
  4. Some people find it "fun" and "exhilarating" to get in shark cages and hang out around Great Whites in the ocean. Those people are Great White Shark pinata fillings.

A Great White Sharks Lifestyle.

A baby Great White Shark is a killer even before it comes into the world. Not much is known about Great Whites mating habits, but it can be assumed they get around less than your mom because they are on the endangered species list (but not on this endangered species list: www.cracked.com/article_16054_6-endangered-species-that-arent-endangered-enough.html.) What is known from examining pregnant females is that they give live birth after their eggs are hatched inside the mother. Newly hatched sharks are called "pups" but they're not the kind of pups you want to play catch with. Great Whites are bad ass killers from the start because a month after they are hatched, when their jaws are formed they engage in intrauterine-cannibalism. This means only a few of the hatched eggs emerge from the mother because the pups have been killing and eating each other since they hatched. Only the strongest one or two pups survive this epic battle, all before the sharks are even born. If we related this to human terms, the octomom wouldn't be in the baby predicament she's in now as one or two of her eight babies would have eaten the weaker ones. Just for fun: think of any friends you have that were born in multiples, which one do you think would have survived?

The Great White Shark then spends the next fifteen or so years of it's life swimming around, detecting tiny amounts of blood in the water, and then eating the shit out of whatever is bleeding. Assuming, that is, that the bleeding animal is one of the following; fish, ray, tuna, smaller shark, dolphin, porpoise, whale, regular-ass seal, fur seal, sea lion, or turtle. Once it reaches fifteen years old, it still eats all these things except now it gets to make sweet shark love with other sharks and produce more cannibal offspring.

Misunderstood Monsters of The Deep.

Sharks are actually very misunderstood by most people, this is partly the fault of a low budget indie film (www.cracked.com/article_16940_6-classic-movies-that-narrowly-avoided-disaster.html)by Steven Spielberg called "Jaws" (you may recall this unknown man from his role in the Movie "Gremlins" as "man in electric wheel chair" He also directed a couple of other movies, I guess, check out www.cracked.com/blog/indiana-jones/ ) If Jaws taught you one thing it was that if you go in the ocean, even in a boat, a big ass Great White Shark was going to eat you. Thats all they want to do, eat you, and your family, but first they're going to have sex with your girlfriend, so you really know who's in charge. The truth is sharks don't even like to eat people, they think we taste like garbage. Most scientists believe the only reason people get attacked by sharks is they are mistaken for seals.

A great white shark hunts by feeling the electromagnetic current other animals give off when they move. If they sense a current that feels like their usual prey they will swim way down underneath it and ambush it from below by biting it's mid-section. If it's delicious, they eat it, if it's not delicious they don't. Sometimes they might take a second bite just to make sure it tastes bad, and if it still does they move on, usually in search of a tooth brush, because they have little chunks of human stuck in their endless rows of teeth.