Edward Cullen

Theoretically a vampire, Edward has shown a startling ability to remain at high school for almost a century without getting laid.

Just The Facts

  1. It is still not understood why he is referred to as a vampire, as he lacks all of the traditional characteristics that one would be expected to have (aversion to sunlight and holy objects, need for human blood, vulnerability to wooden stakes, fangs, badassery, et cetera).
  2. He is a known attention-seeker, as he has attempted suicide by exposing himself to sunlight at noon. Given that vampires in the Twilight universe react to sunlight by sparkling, this is roughly equivalent to attempting to kill yourself via the liberal application of mascara.
  3. As anybody who has watched the film "Twilight" in a cinema will know, Edward has been noted for his ability to cause spontaneous orgasms in girls aged 12-16.

Origin

The character of Edward Cullen was first conceived when the author of Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, had a wet dream about him. She saw him together with a girl, who was later named "Bella" after Meyer's imaginary daughter...

...yeah, it gets creepier. Meyer watched the two of them have an intense, emotional "conversation" for a while, then woke up and felt an urgent need to change the sheets.

Every time you read Twilight, you're reading this woman's masturbatory aid. Just sayin'.

Every time you read Twilight, you're reading this woman's masturbatory aid. Just sayin'.

Details are scarce about Edward's life before he became a vampire, mainly because it's difficult for Meyer to focus on writing anything substantial about a character or storyline for more than thirty seconds without getting distracted by something shiny - case in point, Edward's skin.

As you've already made fun of, while most vampires burst dramatically into flame when struck by sunlight, Edward sparkles.

"THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER, BELLA!" *sparkles*'

But Stephenie Meyer's definition of the word "sunlight" is a bit different to that of the rest of the English-speaking world. On overcast days - even when, presumably, some sunlight would get through to the ground (on account of all the light and such), Eddie doesn't so much as twinkle. Come a cloudless day, though, and he's lit up like a fucking disco ball.

Edward was turned into a vampire during World War One, while suffering from a strain of influenza. His doctor, Carlisle, apparently thought that the best way to cure the child would be to murder him - which, it must be said, did make the flu seem somewhat less of an issue. To be fair, canon claims that he was turned because Carlisle was lonely, and wanted a companion. Exactly why, out of the many thousands of sick and dying people he had treated over the years, he chose to vamp an attractive, underage boy is perhaps a question best left unasked.

What we do know is that Edward did, at one point in his unlife, possess balls. He used to use his super strength, super speed, heightened senses, and mind-reading ability (Oh, yeah, he can read minds, too. Did Mel Gibson need a reason? He just fucking can, okay?) to kill bad guys. And, for a brief time, he was actually badass.

But, as we all know, any interesting aspect of a character that Stephenie Meyer creates is purely accidental, and it wasn't long before Edward renounced the wicked ways of, uh, fighting evil. Instead, he decided to spend his days (and nights) playing the piano, reading literature, going to high school over and over again for decades (ostensibly to maintain their cover - which suggests that Carlisle is too much of a fucking idiot to have ever considered home-schooling), and generally being a complete embarrassment to real vampires.

Not pictured: sparkles

He also abstains from consuming human blood, instead choosing to drink that of animals. This has led to the Cullen family joke that they are "vegetarians". A search for anyone who finds this funny is ongoing.

His Chagrined, Adonis-Like Appearance

Edward is a tall and handsome boy, with pale, white skin and amber eyes. These eyes - which are amber - have a constant look of chagrin within them. His skin looks like chiseled marble, which contrasts quite beautifully with his amber eyes. He is shaped like Adonis, his chiseled face displaying chagrin whenever his piercing, amber eyes are staring into Bella's. Whenever Bella looks into Edward's chiseled, amber eyes, she sees that his pale, Adonis-like figure is consumed with chagrin...

...this is what reading the fucking book is like.

A full account of Edward's appearance can be found in the book, Twilight. For that matter, an account of Edward's appearance is pretty much the only thing that can be found in the book.

Here's a picture of him. There, we just saved you from having to read 400 fucking pages.

The Boy Behind the Chagrin

Unfortunately, information about Edward's personality is a bit thin on the ground, as Stephenie Meyer seems to have forgotten to include any direct references in the actual books. It was too minor a sundry detail to have included in the series' thousands and thousands of pages. So, basically, all we know about him is what can be inferred from his dealings with his true love.

This makes the section on Edward's personality the shortest in this article. As anybody who has read the books can tell you, this is depressingly fitting.

"Just Like Romeo and Juliet!" Uh, wait, what does that imply?

Edward likes to start things off right. He begins his epic love tale seated next to Isabella Swan in a biology classroom - a prime situation for some introductions, small talk, and a series of horrifically bad sexual innuendos, right?

"How'd you like to put your microscope in MY onion?"

What follows is sixty minutes of the most awkward silence between two human beings you will ever witness. We've seen people with Asperger's Syndrome utilizing better body language than this. Not a word is exchanged between them. Edward just sits there, staring intently at her, rocking back and forth 'like' a madman. Remember that time you were sitting next to that really hot chick that you liked back in high school, and you tried to say something to her, but instead you accidentally collapsed into a violent coughing fit, sneezed blood and mucus all over her, fell off your chair and cried for half an hour? Yeah, you looked like George fucking Clooney next to this guy.

To his credit, he does make up for it by subsequently watching her sleep.

We'll just let you ponder why he gets called 'romantic' for this, and yet we can't go within 200meters* of our exes anymore.

*Stand back - we use METRIC.

Anyway, turns out Edward really does love Bella, because her blood sings to him, or something. People fortunate enough to have only watched the movie often aren't aware of this, as the film only briefly and fleetingly alludes to how she smells like his favorite heroin.

After treating her like crap for a while, he suddenly performs an impressive emotional 180 and abruptly falls in love with her. Don't bother asking why this happens - nobody knows. Just what's holding the relationship together is a complete mystery.

Honestly, don't just take our word for it*. Go ask a rabid Twilight fan what Edward and Bella have in common. Ask what it is they talk about. What hobbies do they participate in together? You'll get nothing but blank looks of incomprehension.

*Just take our word for it.

Feminists often attack Edward for being a condescending, misogynistic jerk towards Bella. They often cite that fact that he treats Bella like a doe-eyed dipshit that needs to be kept on a leash to stop her from trying to play with oncoming traffic. What these people fail to realize is that Edward's treatment of her stems not from the fact that she's female, but because her favorite hobby consists of trying to find new and exciting ways to get killed by household objects.

Edward before his "blood-only" diet.

One of Edward's earliest encounters with Bella consisted of rescuing her from becoming roadkill, and subsequent outings have consistently shown her to have the intelligence and dexterity of an apricot. Edward treats her as if she is constantly in danger, not because he's sexist, but because her own ability to detect trouble usually kicks in about half an hour after it's been and gone. He can hardly be blamed for being a bit protective at times - although it is unlikely that Darwin would approve of Edward fucking around with his gene pool so much.

For example - Bella discovers Edward is a vampire. She knows (in the film, which was shorter, and therefore better) that a number of people have been viciously mauled and slaughtered by what she suspects to be vampires. So, armed with this knowledge, she brings Edward into the middle of a forest to tell him that she knows his secret, telling no-one where she is going or who she is going with.

This is a girl with the survival instincts of a lemming.

Keep that in mind the next time you start calling him over-protective. If you want more information on Bella, click here.

Long-Time Child, First-Time Parent

Edward is also amongst the worst fathers in existence, exhibiting the kind of responsibility one might expect from a crowd of angry English football fans armed with whiskey and crowbars. After delivering his child, Renesmee, by tearing apart his wife's uterus with his teeth (just don't ask, okay? This shit is fucked up enough already), he soon starts leaving his dear child with his old enemy, Jacob Black.

For those of you unfamiliar with the series, this is the same Jacob Black who swore to brutally murder the baby literally moments after her birth. And who then declared his undying love for the tiny infant the second he met her. And who had previously attempted to force himself upon the baby's mother. And just so we're clear, we're not talking about the wholesome family-friend-who-the-kids-call "Uncle Jacob" kind of love. We're talking about good old werewolf/vampire-hybrid-thing child molesting.

And Edward happily leaves his tiny infant daughter with the psychotic, mood-swinging, attempted-raping, pedophilic, would-be child murderer.

And this is a kid's book.

And this isn't the only instance of pedophilia in the books, either, leading us to believe that the entire series relies upon the Social Services department being on some sort of epic cocaine binge. Let us not forget that Edward Cullen himself is 17-years old. You know, underage. Permanently. For no other reason than Stephenie Meyer just wanted him to be.

And it's not like Meyer's not aware of this, either. After all, at the beginning of New Moon, she Bella gets very worried when her 18th birthday is coming up, as that would mean that she'd be physiologically older than her undead, night-dwelling, blood-sucking killer boyfriend.

'Cause, y'know, that'd be weird.

Pedophilia? Check. Necrophilia? Check. Older girlfriends? No, thanks. We have morals here.

Notable Quotations

"Bring on the shackles - I'm your prisoner."

- Edward extolling the virtues of S&M to a 17 year old virgin.

"Stephenie, it's great, but do you reckon you could write out the bit about Bella being a dominatrix?"

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..."

- Edward vicariously demonstrating Meyer's limited grasp of biology.

"You are exactly my brand of heroin."

- Edward explaining the difference between good smack and bad smack.

"It will be as if I'd never existed."

- Edward, while leaving Bella "forever", apparently forgetting about the numerous near-death experiences, twu wuv, and the utter destruction of Bella's world as she once knew it.

"It's hard and cold. And it throws rainbows in the sunlight."

- Edward describing his penis.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD, NOW?

Oh, almost forgot. One last thing - Edward has his own religion.

Cullenism.

This is not a joke.

This is a real religion. They believe that the Cullens are real, and must be worshipped. They believe that Stephenie Meyer is a prophet, and that the Twilight series are, in fact, holy books. And that the reward for a life of devout worship and right living is eternal life with the Cullens - including Jacob, Bella, and Meyer.

That's right. You get to spend eternity with an arrogant jerk, a pedophile, a cretin, an idiot novelist, and a horde of shrieking fangirls.

And that's if you're good.