The 5 Types of Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare Players
Just The Facts
- Call of Duty 4 is a first person shooter for xbox, ps3, and pc developed by Infinity Ward which has sold over 13 million copies worldwide.
- Call of Duty 4 is famous for its multi-player online feature which is played mostly by males between the ages of 14 and 40.
- Call of Duty is referred to by players as "COD" and they all hate Halo.
Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare is a video game that has made grown men break everything from video game controllers to coffee tables to plasma screen television sets to their own children's faces. It is a game sewn together through part skill, part rage, part cocaine and part divorce.
Halo? More like Gaylo. Boom, roasted.
The majority of COD players play it for its online feature which allows people of different nations and communities to sling racial slurs, bullets, grenades and humiliating testicle motions at other players with no chance of any possible real-life consequence. COD players can be lumped into 5 different player types. Here they are:
5. The Knife-Master
Average Age: 12
Skill Level: 1/10
Average Kills per Game: 3
Average Shots per Game: 0
The Knife-Master was probably the first real style of COD playing. Not knowing how to reload their weapons or throw grenades doesn't faze the Knife-Master. He lulls his opponents into a borderline alcoholic stupor by walking into walls, crouching in the middle of the battlefields and jumping during the entire skirmish, all the while clicking the right analog stick and slicing his way through his enemies in his "Drunken-Monkey Knife Style" as you turn every corner in the God-forsaken level.
Doesn't he know you shouldn't bring a knife to a gun... fuck.
Level of Pissed off You Are After Playing "The Knife Master:"
4/10. You killed the Knife-Master at least 11 times during the encounter, but you're multiple stab wounds have taught you a serious lesson about corner turning.
4. The Benedict Arnold
Average Age: 22
Skill Level: 4/10
Average Kills per Game: -14
Average Shots per Game: 1,522
"Don't move! There's a bee right on your helmet. I totally got this."
You will only find the "Benedict Arnold" player in Hardcore mode, where friendly fire is always on. During every game of COD, each player seems to form a deep-seeded sense of rage for one particular player on the other team. Your first encounter with "Benedict Arnold" will be during one of these encounters. You will likely be tracking your arch-nemesis and as soon as you have his back in your sights and you pull the trigger, one of your teammates jumps out from behind a bush directly into your line of fire. Unfortunately for you, you've just killed "Benedict Arnold" and your arch-nemesis turned around and shot you in the balls before "tea-bagging the shit out of you."
You're probably pretty upset about the "Benedict Arnold" incident, but you put it behind you with nothing on your mind except dropping your ball-sack on the chin of that "tea-bagging piece of shit" arch-nemesis of yours, XXballsofshameXX. Benedict Arnold is not nearly as forgiving as you. He places his computer-generated-blood on your hands and wants, nay, needs his vengeance, and not just once, but for the rest of the fucking game...maybe for the rest of fucking ever. Suddenly, you're being shot in the back, blown up by frag grenades, stabbed in the neck and even blinded as you dash into the middle of heavy fire streets by flash grenades, all by your teammate.
Teabagging for dummies.
Level of Pissed off You Are After Playing "The Benedict Arnold:"
6/10. Not only did you never get to finish off XXballsofshameXX but you've now seen enough team dick to be on Meganslist.com. You feel dirty and angry... but mostly dirty.
3. The Grenadier/Martyr
Average Age: 16
Skill Level: 2/10
Average Kills per Game: 15
Average Shots Per Game: 244
The Nuke perk is a rainbow of awesomeness.
A large part of any combat mission is explosives and COD has no shortage of those. Whether it be flash-bangs of blinding light, constant barrages of sense-impairing smoke screens or the pain of a frag grenade ripping through your small intestine, expert utilization of explosions can lead any team to victory in COD. The Grenadier/Martyr knows this better than anyone.
With his perfect timing, the G/M holds his frags just long enough so that you have no chance to run. By the time the grenade lands by your unsuspecting ankles, it's too late, you're in multiple-pieces in many different areas around the level and you now have to watch the humiliation from his kill camera: he patiently holds the grenade, the grenade goes mid-flight and then you literally run directly into the armed grenade with your face just like an asshole.
Unfortunately for most skilled COD players, the game developers decided to add a "perk" to the game called "martyrdom." When a player has martyrdom, and a skilled player plugs that player with headshot from their last round from their 9mm after using the rest of his ammunition taking out 4, maybe 5 enemy players, his joyous celebration will most certainly be cut short. "Yes! Holy crap, did you see that?!?" The skilled player will shout. But his last words will be less than memorable, "I only had one bullet left and I killed that noob with a fucking hea...Oh fuck." BOOM! Metal, blood, body parts, humiliation.
Level of Pissed off You Are After Playing "The Grenadier/Martyr:"
9/10. You run directly into explosive death balls from the heavens. The most glorious of your moments, a total annihilation of the other team ends in embarrassment. You set out to kill the G/M and the G/M alone for the rest of the combat. You will die from the martyr's antics at least two more times. The thought of his laughter haunts your dreams.
2. The Prestige Badass
Average Age: 31
Skill Level: 55-610/10
Average Kills per Game: 84
Average Shots per Game: 109
Prestige Badass: *yawn*
When COD players reach the maximum online level, 55, they have a choice to make: be content owning all the best weapons or "Prestige." By choosing Prestige, the player reverts back to level 1 and begins his "Campaign Against the Innocent" all over again. A player can Prestige up to 10 times for a total of 610 mind-numbing achievements, the end of one relationship, two dead fish, one rigor-set ferret clinging to your leg who died while begging for food and an ass-impression in a couch that took 5 months of stability to perfect.
You will know when you run into a Prestige Badass. You will die in the most unlikely of scenarios including, but not limited to: while shooting the Prestige Badass in the face; headshot by a sneeze from the other side of a concrete wall, and one report even claims that a Prestige Badass killed a player while that player was "waiting to re-spawn."
On the positive side, the Prestige Badass will not taunt you after he decimates your soul with his gut-tearing thumb skills. Tea-bagging is not the way of the Prestige. The Prestige knows that there are others like him, silently waiting in the winds to throw a shit-pile of explosives at anyone dumb enough to ball-drop a corpse. The Prestige has no time for harassing dead bodies when there are perfectly good breathing ones still out there, acting like douchecakes.
"He's behind me right now, isn't he."
Level of Pissed off You Are After Playing "The Prestige Badass:"
1/10. You recognize that you are outmatched. Your learn from your mistakes. Deep down you secretly wish the Prestige Badass would have let his balls sink into the bullet hole he placed in your skull believing his nut-monsters may contain some special God-like powers that would be passed onto you through the act. But alas, to dream.
1. The Sniper
Average Age: 26
Skill Level: 10/10
Average Kills per Game: 24
Average Shots Per Game: 24
"Yep, all clear dudes, just that empty patch of grass over there."
The game just began. The rush of battle fills your blood and moves your thumbs in directions before your brain can even send its signals. You are a teammate, but a mercenary, a God of War, a... *CRACK.* Birds flutter in the distance, you stare up at the sky, the light gets closer. The next thing you see is you, DieMcFly69, in the crosshairs of someone else's gun. The crosshairs follow you through the blades of grass surrounding the gun. One single shot... Perfectly centered just in front of a sprinting DieMcFly69's head. You see yourself literally run into the bullet and your body hits the floor.
You've been in this scenario multiple times. The Sniper, also known as "That Motherfucking Sniper Asshole Dickhead Bitch," the ninja of COD. The Sniper is a careful animal, invisible to the naked eye and crafty as the Devil himself. A Sniper sighting has never been confirmed. You know he exists, but the only time you've ever seen him is in your nightmares.
Artists rendering of what the Sniper PROBABLY look like.
Wherever you run, walk or hide, the Sniper sees you. If you have an enemy in your sights, there is a100% chance that the Sniper has you in his sights and a 100% chance he will kill you before you kill your enemy by either a dick shot or a head shot, but never a chest shot. In all likelihood, you're telling your friends, "Watch this shit. This guy doesn't even see me. I'm gonna creep up on him and then I'm gonna knife him!! HAHA!" *CRACK* Birds scatter, bright light, expletives deleted.
The daring few have challenged the Sniper at his own game, acquiring a sniper rifle themselves, posting up in open building windows and shooting everything from tree trunks, rocks, clumps of dirt and anything else that looks like it might/could be a person before eventually giving away their location and life. Some have attempted to take the battle closer to the Sniper, sneaking through rain, mud and even blood-drenched comrades, but all for naught. Just before you see the deadly sniper in action, you hear a click sound and a claymore slices through your legs. Before you can die, you hear one final snap of the Sniper's rifle and a *ding* of one more teammates helmet.
There are 12 snipers in this picture. See if you can find th... you're dead.
However, the most infuriating thing that the Sniper does is leave. Once all the claymores have been tripped and you know exactly where the Sniper is located, the Sniper knows that you will come for him with weapons designed for closer combat than his lengthy, metal, cock-like, tube of death. Ever mindful, the Sniper will teleport, much like Nightcrawler from the X-Men, to a different location before you have a chance to notice. And as you spray tempered metal into ground where the Sniper once lay, your excitement will begin to flicker as you realize that no body lay on the land where you bullets pierce. You will notice nothing more than an imprint in the grass of where a body once lay, shell-casings, and a note that reads, "What would YOU do for a Klondike bar?" At that moment, you know what is to come and you utter your last words, "Oh I can't wait to see this on his Kill Cam." *CRACK*
"He was right here a seco.. uh-oh."
Level of Pissed off You Are After Playing "The Sniper:"
10/10. By the end of the game, you shit yourself when you think of moving at all. You lay motionless in between three walls until the game ends all the while muttering random incomprehensible slurs at the screen. When the game ends, you put your foot through your X-Box 360, throw it out the window, light your living room on fire, stab your own foot and bury that poor, paper thin ferret.