Sarah Palin

Why hello there, young constituent.

Palin is in favor of gun rights, small government. She is anti-abortion, and also supports firing animals out of planes.

Many potential voters changed their allegiance to the Obama campaign when they figured out that firing animals out of planes is actually not as cool as it sounds.

For comments on the media in the 2008 election, see Dear Media: What's This Election About?

For cracked's live coverage of the 2008 Vice Presidential Candidates' debate, see here.

For details of political rumors about Sarah Palin, see How To Use Insinuation.

For details of Palin's fight skills, see Assessing the Vice Presidential Candidates' Fighting Ability.

For details of an important issue that Palin has so far refused to address, see I Want to See Sarah Palin Naked.

Palin burst onto the political stage in 2008 after her VP nomination by Republican presidential candidate John McCain. She gained an immediate spike in popularity among Republicans after proposing a solution to America's energy crisis by harvesting baby seal oil and the blood of errant Russians.

Her new popularity wavered slightly after a NBC interview with Katie Couric, in which Palin stumbled over questions and seemed unprepared and uninformed. Most shocking was her revelation that she did not actually know how to efficiently convert baby seals into clean energy. A long, uncomfortable live segment in which Palin tried to figure it out resulted in the death of 27 baby seals and several complaints to media watchdogs. Palin's image was not helped when she later attacked Couric in an interview, accusing her of bad editing and then challenging her to a traditional Alaskan ice duel.

Palin with one of her many daughters. This scene was achieved without the use of any weapons. Despite being pro-gun, Palin famously stated that the use of weapons during hunting was 'an affront to the self-reliance and strong eye teeth of all hard-working Americans'.

Palin then participated in the Vice Presidential debate, in which a lot of important things were discussed.

Many important things.

Typical Anti-Palin and Pro-Palin Americans: Whoever wins, we hope someone tapes it.

Palin divides the country like no other. Feminist detractors have been particularly vehement, citing Palin's anti-abortion, pro-abstinence education, and anti-gay marriage views, as well as her 'traditional' persona. These are all perfectly valid political viewpoints, but we also wonder whether if the anger has anything to do with Palin having a husband who helps with the housework and who the Secret Service officially codenamed "driller."

Critics often accuse Palin and her large family of being 'rednecks', 'chillbillies', and 'people from Alaska.' Their argument was bolstered when Palin's daughter fell pregnant at 17 and was then abandoned by her tattooed loser boyfriend. Sarah's followup speech in defense of her daughter, in which she pointed out that the young couple "weren't even vaguely related," did not do much to silence her critics. The baby's future now looks uncertain, as his young father has been missing since agreeing to go on a 'friendly snowmobile ride' with Todd Palin in early 2009.

Other Americans remain stubbornly pro-Palin, although their reasoning is less clear. In a recent poll asking Palin supporters the reasons for their opinion, 6% shot the reporter, 37% responded with "get off my land", 29% mumbled something about "she can field dress my moose any day, if you know what I mean" and the rest simply pointed to their crotch and made obscene humping gestures.

After her election campaign failed Sarah returned to Alaska, where in her absence the polar bear population had started to encroach on small villages. In late November she returned to national attention when she gave a generic interview while animals were slaughtered in the background.

The famous 'Turkey Carnage'. Apparently the newscaster thought that the main feature of his Thanksgiving dinner came from turkeys who had suffered tragic irreversible brain damage in car accidents and whose familes had decided to donate their organs.

Opinion remains divided on whether the turkey interview was a devastating gaffe or the coolest thing ever.

Letterman Controversy

In June 2009, undead talkshow host David Letterman made a joke about Palin's underaged daughter Willow getting knocked up. After widespread outcry, Letterman backed down slightly, claiming that he only supported the statuatory rape of fourteen year olds 'if they really deserved it.'

Resignation

In July 2009 Palin announced that she would be resigning as Governor of Alaska at the end of the month. Speculation for her surprise decision is divided into three camps:

1. She is planning on leading an Alaskan secessionist movement, and eventually annexing Canada.

2. She has bowed under the pressure of the large number of lawsuits directed at her and her family. Described as 'frivolous' by Palin, these lawsuits were mainly filed by family members of journalists killed by bear traps while snooping around her property.

3. Her home planet needed her.

In October 2008, Pandemic Studios released a video clip of their upcoming game Mercenaries 2, showing then-Presidential Candidate Barack Obama and Sarah Palin mowing down enemies with various weapons.

The video is famous for causing spontaneous orgasms in members of both political parties, and is now commonly used as a marital aid.

In April 2009, a minor comic publisher revealed a new series of comics where Palin is featured as an ice villainess whose main power is her frostbite-resistant skin.