Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester Stallone is an Italian-American know for several movies based off actual points in his life...

No one can be sure what he's looking at, only that it has 5 seconds left to live

Just The Facts

  1. Philadelphia has a statue dedicated to Rocky, that's right, a statue for a made up character.
  2. His famous slurred speech is actually a result of a doctor's surgical mistake during birth, resulting in nerve damage and leaving him to sound drunk all the time.
  3. Stallone may have gotten his "Italian Stallion" nickname came from his early work in soft-core porn.

Boxing Career

Sylvester Stallone started his career by trying to look for a way to release all his pent-up aggression and found it by stepping into the ring to give boxing a shot. During this time he adopted the name Rocky Balboa and a series of five movies chronicled his boxing career. These movies usually contain 15 minutes of boxing footage with the rest filled up with training montages to classic songs like "Eye of the Tiger" and "The Final Countdown". These songs have since been adopted by tons of people as work out rituals in order to get "pumped". Sylvester likes to break people like this.

So how does a super-human without any prior boxing experience train? Well, by running a lot of course. If it's running after his coach on a bike, running up a endless amount or endless amounts of sit-ups in abandoned barns, it's all about the conditioning. There is also the memorable scene where he visits the local butcher to tenderize the meat with his hands.

Not included in the movie however is Rocky killing the cow with his bear hands, throwing it on his shoulder and carrying it all the way there. There are also some sit-ups in barns and other filler, but honestly, we care about the fights, especially the memorable ones.



Rocky + Rocky II
Apollo Creed: When not pushing pencils for the CIA or chasing down aliens, Carl Weathers was in the boxing game. Apollo is regarded as the best boxer around and his wardrobe consist of enough American flag print to make Betsy Ross jealous. Their first fight ends in a draw, but Rocky lasted the whole 15 rounds, something that no one had ever done to Apollo. In the second movie, Rocky also does something in the rematch that had never been done, he knocked Apollo's ass out. Figuring if you can't beat them, join them, Apollo and Rocky become close friends...not in the gay way...the beat people's asses way.


Rocky III
James "Clubber" Lang: Taking a break from the A-Team, Mr. T is the next opponent for Rocky and is actually able to beat him in the first fight. This comes as a surprise because 1) It's Rocky and 2) Mr. T was never known for his accuracy. However, after a "serious" training montage, Rocky returns to the ring and decides to just take some punches and taunt Lang the whole time. When Rocky bores of this, he finally knocks his ass out. Times "I Pity The Fool" was said...not enough...


Rocky IV
Ivan Drago: Those who say the Cold War did not involve any actual fighting are full of shit. This war was fought on American soil. Ivan Drago was from the Soviet Union and just like all Russians at the time, he cheated. Yu see, his training montages involved all this high tech equipment to train his muscles and oh yeah, there were the steroids. Makes you wonder where all this money was coming from in their shitty economy. He also killed Rocky's new friend, Apollo Creed in a boxing match. So even though Drago was roided up and still got his ass kicked.

Rocky V and Rocky Balboa
At this time, Rocky is tired of fighting actors and turns his attention to real boxers Tommy Morrison and Antonio Tarver, where he also kicks ass

Killing Career

Now Sylvester Stallone's body count is a ridiculously high number, I mean we're talking major population control here. Fed up with boxing, a sport not brutal enough, Stallone moved on to a series of documentaries named First Blood. There he picked up the name, John Rambo, which is further proof that in order to be a bad ass, you need to be called John...

John Matrix

John McClain

John Rambo

First Blood

Ok, so we have this Vietnam vet who is trying to return to a peaceful life after basically realizing he has nothing left. Boring movie right? Fuck no. See, this dick sheriff of the town does not like the grizzled look and Rambo is sporting. They harass him so much that Rambo begins having Vietnam flashbacks and fights his way out of the police station and into the woods. There he proceeds to fuck them up with traps he is set, although he does not kill any of them...well ok, he kills a pilot...of a helicopter...with a rock...a fucking rock. So this results in the national Guard being called in to stop him, but not before he destroys the sheriff's office. At this point the Colonel asks Rambo to stand down and then they throw him in prison.

First Blood Part II

Because Second Blood didn't sound as cool, we pick up Part II with the Colonel from the first film asking for Rambo's help is rescuing POW's in Vietnam. This seems logical: take a Vietnam vet who went through a painful tour of duty, suffers from violent flashbacks, that result in him killing and send has ass back over there.

Brilliant

But seriously, they realized that in order to get the job done, they need someone experienced in jungle warfare and bat shit crazy enough to go do it. So we find out the government is actually corrupt...big surprise...and actually just want him to take pictures and lie that there are no POW's. This brilliant plan goes to shit when a Vietnamese rebel gets killed after helping Rambo escape from being captured. You see this is a recurring theme in Rambo's life, his weakness is women...who he can actually never be with. Rambo then goes back to crazy land, steals a helicopter and single-handedly rescues the POW's. Back in America, he chews out the government and is still granted a pardon, which frees him and allows him to move to Thailand.

Rambo III is much of the same ass kicking goodness...but lets move to

Rambo

New times, so you have to be more edgy right? Hell yes, Rambo packs so much gore that its almost impossible not to watch. Rambo now lives a peaceful life...catching snakes in Burma...until a team of missionaries pay him to take them up the river to a small village to work. Problem is that Burma is a pretty shitty place to live and the leaders kill for fun, take money and harass villagers, putting down anyone in their path. So after Rambo agrees and they start down the river, their boat is stopped by pirates who demand the lone woman in the missionary group as payment to pass. Rambo, quick to attach himself emotionally to women, pulls out his pistol and headshots everyone on the ship, leaving the missionaries stunned. The leader, who happens to be her husband, also yells at Rambo because it's not God's will to kill someone like that.

So 10 days later, the pastor comes for Rambo's help. His missionaries never returned and he wants Rambo to lead a group of Mercs to find them. Rambo basically goes because of the girl he had grown attached to and precedes to murder everyone stopping him.

That's not Kool-aid

When they all finally arrive at the enemy camp. Rambo sneaks into the house where she is being held and grabs the guard by the throat. You can see the concentration in his eyes as he decideds how to take him out without freaking the girl out any more. So he finally decides to rip the guys entire throat out with his bare fucking hands.

That kind of quick thinking surely want traumatize her anymore...

There's also the point where Rambo jump on the back of an enemy jeep and uses the machine gun to rescue the rest of the men. He does this by shooting right through the guy in the front seat, 6 inches away, and we are treated to seeing his body being juggled by the bullets as it is ripped to shreds.

So all in all, this movie is fucking awesome

Odd Jobs

Over the Top

So your son thinks you have been ignoring him all these years and you need a way to prove to him that you are a man again. What to do? Arm wrestle. That's what Lincoln Hawk decided to do.

You wish...

See, Hawk was a truck driver by day and a "wrestler" by night. He comes across a arm wrestling competition that is giving out a new semi that can help him start his own business. He is able to win the tournament after his estranged son shows up in support after finding out his dick grandfather had been hiding the letters Hawk sent him. So in typical Stallone fashion, there are some cheesy montages resulting in a feel good ending. Oh, there is also the part where a guys arm snaps while "wrestling".

Death Race 2000

Before the shitty remake with all the fancy CGI, Stallone was found running down innocent people as "Machine-Gun" Joe Viterbo.

Look at the concentration...

If Joe hated one thing more than anyone else, it was coming in second. Fuck third, third isn't even an option. He drove one of the most bad ass cars ever, which had machine guns where the headlights should be and a chainsaw in the middle to run poor saps over if they got in the way...or if they didn't. This also gave us memorable lines like.

"You know Myra, some people might think you're cute. But me, I think you're one very large baked potato"

This movie I'm sure won many academy awards and got great reviews...why not.