Hungary is a landlocked country in the Carpathian Basin of Central Europe, bordered by Austria, Slovakia, Ukraine, Romania, Serbia, Croatia, and Slovenia. It is home to some of the greatest, most astounding triumphs of the human race to ever exist.



Just The Facts

  1. Hungary was founded in A.D. 896
  2. It contains roughly 10,000,000 badasses, and a couple Austrians.
  3. It is a member of the European Union.
  4. It's capital, Budapest, is split by the Danube river.


Hungarian Gentleman
What a devilishly handsome man! He must be Hungarian.

Hungarians are a proud, dignified people. Whether drowning their "Hortobagyi palacsinta" in paprika and cucumbers, or stuffing their peppers with paprika and cucumbers, or eating paprika and cucumber salad, you will never find a disgruntled Kovach, Szaba, or Takascz. This is despite the fact that the world is filled with injustice for Hungarians, for example, comedy sites not accomodating Hungarian letters. (No, I will not eat Hortob������½gyi palacsinta, and I am not a Szab����½)

Oh, shit I wanna eat that.
Hungary is to cucumbers as Austria is to consensual man-on-man sodomy.


Hungarians prefer to believe that King Stephen I looked less gay in reality.

From its humble beginning in A.D. 896, Hungary has been the paragon of cool nations. Founded by an amalgamation of Germanic barbarians and other war-like savages, the world knew Hungary was not to be messed with.

Box of Rape

A Box of Rape similar to that which the Mongols opened upon Hungary

...until 1241, when the Mongols decided to try their luck with an invasion of Hungary. Sadly, no amount of Vaseline in the world could have prepared Hungary for the rape they were about to endure. Roughly half of the population was killed, and the King, Bela IV, abandoned his people, like some kind of enormous turd. Despite these losses, the will of Hungary was not broken, and for the next several hundred years they dominated Central Europe*, later teaming up with Austria to deal some swift ass-kicks to Serbia.

In the first World War, the Austro-Hungarian empire played a crucial role, fighting with the Central Powers alongside Turkey and Germany. During the reign of the Austro-Hungarian empire, many questioned which party contributed more to their awesome success. This was answered after World War One, when Austria and Hungary took their separate paths. Hungary went on to do very little, but it was a good very little. Austria gave us Hitler.

Not Hungarian
Pictured: Not Hungarian

The end of World War Two put Hungary under official Soviet rule, as the People's Republic of Hungary. Hungarians, not the type to be subjugated by a bunch of commie Ivans, revolted in 1956. The revolution started small, as a student demonstration. But as tensions flared, the intifada exploded. Citizens took up arms against local police and Soviet forces, and in a traditional Hungarian fashion, they regulated.

Hell Yeah
Just ignore the fact that they also had Saddam Hussein and Hitler...

Hungary spent the next few decades pushing out the last of the Russians, until in 1991 the last Soviet soldier left. Since 1989, Hungary has been in it's 3rd Republic, and has transitioned to a market economy.

*Lies about some supposed domination of Hungary by the Ottoman's have been omitted.



Hungary has a culture rich with tradition, good food, and pornography. Hungarian parades and festivals are as numerous as they are extravagant, displaying traditional Magyar style, namely our hip garb and excellent dancing. Though the culture of Hungary is not limited to lavish parties, many different aspects combine to make the nation what it is. In this way, Hungary is much like a Zord from the Power Rangers.

Pictured: Hungarian Cocaine

The culture of Hungary has had a significant impact on the culinary world. By combining a shit-ton of paprika with... well, other ingredients, Hungary has developed some of the most tantalizing cuisine known to man. And with names like "Paprikascsirke nokedlivel" and "Kuglaf", it is nigh impossible to resist the urge to muscle it down your windpipe.

Doesn't she look HUNGARY? Hahah,haha...ha..

Speaking of muscling things down your throat, Hungary's porn industry is also booming. In fact, porn in Hungary generates around 636 million euros a year, representing around 0.5% of the country's GDP. There really is no explanation as to why, but Hungary pumps out porn faster than America pumps out freedom and class. In fact, it seems the only plausible reason for Hungarians sticking their Budas into eachother's Pests all the time is that Hungarian men sport some pretty nifty facial hair.

The Hungarian "Krgylsilasdk"

Facial hair in Hungary is like general disdain in Austria- absolutely ubiquitous. Mustaches are not only a necessity in Hungary, but often are styled to reflect the mood of the beholder. Most Hungarians are in a perpetual state of "silly".

Hungary is also noted for having one of the coolest national anthems ever devised, the "Himnusz". For information about Himnusz, see Cracked: 6 National Anthems That Will Make You Tremble With Fear.

Famous Hungarians

Many of humanity's most blessed giants are of Hungarian blood, though it is often unbeknownst to the public. Thus, a list of famous Hungarians follows:

Robert Capa's Famous D-Day Shot
Robert Capa (Photographer, not pictured)

Ede Teller
Edward Teller, Father of the H-Bomb

Max Kiss, inventor of Ex-Lax

Calvin Klein, whose contributions include currently protecting my scrotum from my pants zipper.
Calvin Klein

Harry Houdini

Jerry Seinfeld

William Fox, founder of Fox Studios

Ironically, Alanis Morrisette

Paul Newman

Louis CK, who puts Newman's visage to shame

Gene Simmons

Vladimir Putin


Male Hungarians often (read: Always) have enormous noses.

A Bulbous Hungarian Nose

Special Thanks

The Nation of Hungary, for being so awesome.
The Furlinator, for being my right-hand-man with image editing.