Scientology

Scientology is a pseudo religion founded in 1954 by the science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, a man whose numerous achievments according to himself include (but are not limited to):

1. Raised by Native Americans

2. One of the first nuclear physicists in the USA

3. That he was a war hero and more or less single handedly sunk two Japanese submarines

4. He never ever took drugs. EVER

5. Invented the concept of being moral

Of course, thanks to some outstanding internet detective work, CRACKED.com is proud to be able tell you that the man was something of a liar - L. Ron Hubbard's 5 Most Impressive Lies (Besides Scientology)

Scientology is popular amongst has been celebrities, most notably Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Other ex-popular people include Kirstie Alley, that guy from My Name is Earl, that other guy from My Name is Earl, and Nancy Cartwright (the voice of Bart Simpson)

Scientology has a few core beliefs, which some have suggested are ludicrous, and others have suggested are no worse than more mainstream religions. The basic concept is:

75 million years ago there was an intergalactic ruler called Xenu (Zee - Noo) who had a population problem that made China look pathetic. To get round this little hiccup, Xenu enlisted the help of evil psychiatrists to drug a whole shit ton of aliens, freeze them in ice, and then load them onto space planes that looked suspiciously like a common airliner of the 1950's - the DC-8 Comet (only painted all shiny like and with space rockets)

The aliens got shipped to earth, where they were dropped in and around volcanoes (just stick with it, it gets better), at which point Xenu detonated a crap load of nukes just in case the volcanoes didnt finish the job.

The alien souls, or "Thetans" (Fay-Tans) soon started drifting upwards, but the wise and mighty Xenu had forseen this, and cunningly built electric fences. Cos y'know, electric fences are good at catching souls?

The Thetans were then brainwashed for a considerable period of time before being set loose, where they roamed about all confused and dazed. Eventually they latched on to early mankind, and are now the source of all our confusion.

The purpose of Scientology then, is to make money to free your body of these Thetans, and thus, confusion

Did you know...

1. If you pay enough reach the highest level then you get superpowers!

2. L Ron Hubbard did not die - he chose to leave his body, and will one day return. (He also wasnt on drugs, and if anyone says otherwise, please inform your local Scientology centre ASAP)

3. Scientology and the internet had a bit of a run in

4. Zombies hate Scientology

 Zombies resent the fact that Scientologists dont have brains

Scientology is well known for being bat shit insane, and shows like South Park are well known for mocking things that are bat shit insane. Needless to say, the two have crossed paths, as can be seen here:

Scientology has made numerous appearances on the vastly popular and massivley hilarious site CRACKED.com, including;

- exposes about L Ron Hubbard's lies --- L. Ron Hubbard's 5 Most Impressive Lies (Besides Scientology)

- celebrities who pretend not to be, but totally are, scientologists --- Ten Secret Celebrity Scientologists

- an exclusive story by CRACKED's very own Michael Swaim revealing Scientology's misguided attempts to recruit Miley Cyrus --- Scientology Wants Miley Cyrus: So Which Should Be Scared?

If Scientology had to choose one skill that perfectly described itself, it would probably go for something like "super good at saving the world". If anyone else had to pick, they would definitely go for "picking fights with people".

Scientology has been involved in too many arguments to count, but here are some highlights:

1. The Internet - By far the most well known confrontation that Scientology has got itself involved in. Long story short, Scientology tried to cover up a video of Tom Cruise being weird by threatening websites with legal action. The internet declared "Not on my watch, motherfucker" and began a campaign of harassment. Really, really funny harassment.

2. The FBI - Scientology thinks its better than you, and therefore doesnt have to pay taxes. In order to get away with this, Scientology launched 'Operation Snowwhite' which involved infiltrating the IRS and securing themselves tax exemption. However, the tricksy FBI were wise to their shenanigans, and arrested the Scientologists involved (including L Ron Hubbard's wife, Mary). Operation Snow White is the single largest infiltration of the United States government in history. That means Scientology = better than the Soviets and Chinese.

3. Germany - Less well known is Scientology's run in with the Germans, who dont trust shady groups that behave like cults, because the last time that happened, a bunch of people died and nobody liked them for a considerable amount of time. Germany considers Scientology to be between Radical Islam and Organised Crime on the scale of "things that are bad", and puts up warning signs near Scientology centres.

 The London Branch of the Scientology Appreciation Society