Penguins

Penguins are adorable flightless birds that live in the southern hemisphere of the Earth. Incidentally, their level of cuteness is directly proportional to their drive to systematically annihilate humans.

Cuddly little body? Check. Cute expression? Check. Unsatiated bloodthirst? Check.

Just The Facts

  1. A penguin normally eats fish, krill and other small crustaceans found in the ocean. However, they prefer to feed on a steady diet of the mankind's fears.
  2. Penguins typically have a black and white coloring that some people think resembles a tuxedo. These same people generally believe that small dogs are best kept in handbags and that geckos can talk.
  3. Penguins would hate you if it wasn't for their belief that inferior life forms aren't worth expending the emotional energy.

Penguin Origins and Evolution

Penguins are ancient creatures and fossil evidence has been found that suggests they grew up to the size of humans during prehistoric times. This would have allowed them to tame and ride several species of dinosaurs. Did penguins have dinosaur rodeos? Scientists can't offer any conclusive proof, but point out that there wasn't much else to do with dinosaurs back in those days. It is possible that exhaustion from these events eventually led to the extinction of dinosaurs.

A few millennia later penguins apparently developed technology that allowed them to control the weather. While experimenting they triggered the first ice age, dropping temperatures around the globe to a level better enjoyed by penguins. This also undoubtedly introduced a new pastime where they would shine a bright light at another animal causing it to stare, mesmerized as a glacier slowly encased it in ice.

As humanity evolved it is likely penguins purposely reduced their own size through genetic engineering in order to better lull us into a false sense of superiority. Another evolutionary change took place when penguins traded their ability to fly for swimming proficiency. It is theorized they did this to better differentiate themselves from other birds, much like how some humans get tribal tattoos or pop their collars. However, unlike humans this change is actually useful in navigating their environment.

Penguins also adapted to hold their breath under the water for extended periods of time. Humans have observed penguins diving to depths of several hundred meters and staying submerged for over 20 minutes. With eyes adapted for underwater vision, few things escape their notice. If you ever pee in the pool a penguin probably knows about it.

"You wouldn't know anything about this water suddently getting warmer, would you?"

On land, penguins travel with short, waddling movements. This behavior appears comical, however during this time penguins are relaxing by solving mental puzzles like four dimensional sodoku and curing cancer. Occasionally they display their true grace by flopping down onto their bellies and sliding along frozen surfaces with an attitude that seems to say "I'm super intelligent AND my body serves as a sled, bitch!"

Penguin Habitats

Penguins primarily live in the Antarctic region, a name which would translate roughly to The Great Penguin Command Center if those bothering to translate it didn't immediately suffer an untimely and terribly painful death by pecking.

Over the years penguins have established numerous monitoring stations located throughout the world. They have carefully disguised these stations too look like zoos and they live within controlled environments watching humans. These interactions allow them to learn more about human behavior while having delicious fish delivered to them via takeout. Penguins have come to the primary conclusion that enclosing an animal in glass will cause a human stop what they are doing and tap on that glass until the animal responds. They have used this knowledge to create distractions when carrying out some of their more dastardly plans.

In the wild penguins have no natural predators. However, they have craftily designed submersible vehicles to look like killer whales, which they can enter through the mouth in staged 'attacks'. Penguins use these vehicles to transport themselves over long distances and occasionally star in heartwarming family movies.

"Enough faces human child, get back to scrubbing our entranceway."

Penguin and Human Interactions

Humans first encountered penguins during the early 1900s. Robert Scott had led the Discovery Expedition to Antarctica when he happened upon a small group of the birds. Excerpts from his journal detail the experience:

November 14, 1902 - Awoke to find four more dogs had passed in the night. Packed up camp and set out towards next waypoint. Rounded corner and, to our great surprise, encountered heretofore unseen small creatures watching us. Preliminarily classified them as insects until Rolford pointed out their beaks and feathers. Began reclassification as sloths until Rolford sighed and shouted "damnation, they're birds". Seems farfetched, but will hold off final decision until I can observe them further.

November 16, 1902 - Three dogs joined The Maker overnight. Rethinking whether diet of candle wax is nutritionally sufficient for their needs. New creatures were in our camp observing us as we emerged from our tents. Decided to call them "pink wrens". Rolford pointed out that their pink appearance was due to me staring at sun too long and suggested alternative spelling of "penguin". Made several attempts to capture two specimens so they could be made into slippers, but was unsuccessful.

November 20, 1902 - All dogs now dead. Placing snow in a bowl labeled "delicious food" apparently did nothing to sate their appetites. Continuing on foot, penguins follow us from a distance. Morale suffers as we struggle onwards with limited supplies. A great squawking, not unlike laughter, arises from the birds when Rolford missteps and falls through rotten ice. He proceeds to throw equipment at penguins once rescued from the chilly brine despite my admonitions that such creatures lack the intelligence for cruelty.

November 21, 1902 - I grieve this morning as Rolford was found dead in his tent, apparently choosing to end the suffering experienced in this journey. Puzzled how he could hog tie himself with his own undergarments and then gore his entire body with a sharp implement yet to be found. Penguins apparently caught scent of his demise as their footprints are thick near entrance to his tent. Despite loss, we will soldier on towards our goal.

"You are wise to guard your genitalia, for I am about to become a
terrifying whirlwind of flippers and beak"

Since this early encounter man has continued to run afoul of penguins, even though these incidents are generally downplayed or misclassified as industrial accidents. Disregard for the seriousness of the penguin threat has even led to jokes like the following:

What's black and white and red all over? A room filled with the torn corpses of fallen enemies as the penguins stand proudly basking in their dwindling bloodlust.

Accidentally coming upon one of these grizzly scenes in 1997 traumatized the band Gwar to write a song titled Penguin Attack, expressing their horror. Prior to this encounter Gwar had been a contemporary Christian music trio.

Frenzied penguins seek out their next victims.