Big Dog Shirts

Remember those trashy Big Dog T-Shirts? Let's explore them.

If You Can't Hang With The Big Dogs...You're Probably Better Off

My god. My fucking god. The other day I was blessed enough to be reminded of one of the trashiest, and most amazing fads of all time - Big Dog clothing. You remember this, don't lie. Hell, maybe you even had one. I am talking about those god damn dirty shirts with the dog saying or doing something completely demeaning. I mean, we took this shit time and time again from this dog, and I am sick of it. Time to strike back. Needless to say, I am going to check out some of the cream of the crop Big Dog shirts because, yes, they do still exist...somewhere in the deepest layers of hell.

Really? That is so interesting, because I live on Incest Alley at the corner of Meth Street. This is so standard Big Dog. Why does this redneck canine have such a fucking attitude? Just because he wears shades, does that really make him tough? Actually, yes, yes it does. This fucking dog is wearing shades, I'm definitely going to stay probably should as well.


It isn't Big Dog if there isn't some kind of shitty sexual reference somewhere in their wardrobe. First of all, this is a fucking dissertation on a t-shirt. I have to stare at this fucker for 30 seconds before I can take the whole thing in, and at the end...I get this shitty punchline. Besides, sex and air are not in the least bit equatable. I usually tie a belt around my neck when I have sex..

This is one of the most trustworthy banks in the entire nation, mark my words. Not only is it run by a BIG DOG, but it is also the choice of a dad who actually wears Big Dog clothing. How much do your kids fucking hate you when they buy you this shirt? And look at the Big Dog in this picture, he is entirely spent. It looks like he took all of the money from his bank and went on a coke romp while slamming his favorite poodle bitch all night. No thanks, I'll stick with a monkey when I choose my animal bank.

Ahh, here we go. THIS is Big Dog. 90% of the shirts I looked at were of this variety. If you can't do this sporting event, then stay on the sideline with the nerds. I actually saw one that even I felt was too inappropriate and over the top for this blog. It was a Big Dog riding a dragon and it said: "If you can't tame the dragon with the Big Dogs, suck a dick with the other faggots." I really thought that was way over the top, and just distasteful, even from the Big Dog.

I will not gamble with a dog that has that kind of 'tude. Nevermind the fact that this is actually a dog playing poker, but he comes to the table with that kind of shit? Unacceptable. This dog needs to chill out and realize that he is a DOG playing POKER, isn't that enough for him, because if not, he should go back to licking my sphincter when I lather it up with peanut butter, because he sure is good at that.

Classy. You see what Big Dog did here? They took Girls Gone Wild and turned it into Grills Gone Wild. But seriously, I actually can't hate on this shirt at all. I love meat, I really love titties, and if a dog were smart enough to cook for me I would never complain. So, good job Big Dog, good job.

Don't be a hero Big Dog. This is just so stupid on so many levels. First of all, that is easily the most uncomfortable hammock of all time, I mean, look at it. Secondly, at the bottom they make sure to let us know that 'This is a parody'. Jesus, thank god. I was so fucking confused at first. I totally thought Nike was promoting laziness and betraying their logo by letting Beethoven lounge out on it. I guess I'm not as smart as the general Big Dog audience though, but who the fuck is.

There isn't even a dog on this shirt because even the Big Dog can come up with something better than this. If the Big Dog is too embarassed to put his face on his merchandise, you know that it is purely filth. But really, why would someone wear this shirt. How does one go about interpreting it? Is the wearer of the shirt attacking every single person who reads it? Why get this personal, you don't even know me BRO. If you wear this shirt around, you truly hate not only everyone in the world, ever, but you also hate the shit outta yourself.
Well, that is all of the Big Dog I can handle for one day. Maybe someday, years upon years down the road, I will muster the courage to write about Big Dog again.