Husbands: A Users Guide

“Husbands are like fires - they go out when they're left unattended.” - Cher

You need this guide

Just The Facts

  1. All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband some day - Franklin P. Jones
  2. Husbands are best handled by sex.
  3. The simple recipe of Chair, Beer, TV, lets you get on with your day

Congratulations on your new Husband

Congratulations on your new husband. We here at Cracked wish you to get many years service from your unit. We assume, as a savvy shopper, that you have taken advantage of the free trial offer before your purchase, and can be confident that your new husband will fit in with your lifestyle.

All husbands are supplied as the basic model. They are capable of learning, however slowly, and can be trained to do most household chores with the correct incentives.

Top 10 Mistakes in Using Your Husband

10 Talk about your desire for children

Performance anxiety does not a fertile husband make. Most husbands want to be consulted on the topic of kids, yes, but would rather not have sex become a timed chore.

9 Discuss previous partners

If he does not ask, do not tell. He really does not want the comparison.

8 Don't bother him at work

Husbands tend to have single track minds and they resent losing their train of thought to be asked to pick up some milk on the way home. If you simply must call for non emergency reasons - do it at lunch time.

7 Pick his friends

Your husband has friends from before the marriage, many of whom you detest. Some of your friends, your husband will detest. Leave his friends alone - they are his choice, not yours.

6 Constant togetherness

Go off by yourself and do things from time to time. Your husband presumably managed to look after himself before your marriage - he can stand the odd day or evening on his own, and will be happier for it. So will you.

5 Using non verbal communication

Remember, your ability to pick up non verbal cues about peoples behavior and feelings is both mystifying and slightly frightening to him. Do not expect him to have the same facility with this as you or your friends do, although husbands can be trained in this.

4 Babbling about feelings

Look - just don't. Men never like being forced to talk about that shit and get sad and resentful if they are forced. Be content with the twice a year, carefully scripted "I love you's".

3 Ask for forgiveness

Sleeping around is a poor method of dealing with a husband. Most husbands will be oblivious if you do, but never confess and ask for forgiveness. Just because you have never seen your husband in berserk mode, it does not mean he is incapable of it.

2 Nagging

OK, so he has not put the dishes away. Or the floor around his chair is a blizzard of newspapers. Do not nag. Ever. Men are stubborn beasts and respond poorly to nagging.

1 Trying to change him

You married him. Leave the poor sod alone! Your husband will rarely if ever point out the things you do that bug the shit out of him - return the courtesy. He will slowly change over time anyway.

Husband Maintainence

The importance of maintainance of your husband cannot be overstressed. Please remember our corporate motto: " A dog is for life. A husband is for alimony."

Husbands are creatures of habit. As long as they are fed, watered and serviced regularly, your unit should give you no trouble. Do not be alarmed if your husband spends much of his time motionless. This is normal behaviour.

A Husband needs regular exercise:

Technically, he is exercising

A Husband requires toys:

We actually meant the car ....., but hey, whatever works.

A Husband requires attention:

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A Husband requires regular service intervals:

Three times per day is normally sufficient